Even if not born trans, the fact humanity would do that to teenage girl (the aftermath) should make you question whether species is really worth it.
I absolutely agree. The fact that anyone is making light of or celebrating the brutal murder of a 16-year-old shows that some people are just morally bankrupt to the point that they show how cruel humans can be.
When a hate crime happens, it tends to hit people harder when they're part of the protected group to which the victim belongs.
It is so hard being alive and trans right now.... Dysphoria is a bitch. I'm a little more of a freak so I've been getting my nails done to look like claws. Like literally just Stiletto tip black nails. And I been thinkin bout gettin horns and I'm on the waitin list for top surgery and what not but got damn. This shit will only slightly helps. My ideal transition is more "creature" like haha so in a way I get it. No matter what I get done there's always something thats gonna bring me down about my body :/.
The trans death toll is so scary, espessilly the aftermath. I've seen people celebrate this child's death. It makes me feel so hopeless.. The numbers go up, there's more to mourn every year. I know this is a pro ctb forum but I'd hate for you to be another person on the list of trans people to mourn.
it's so hard these days, its terrifying. I often want to scream. I have nothing comforting to say, I just wanted to say I get it. I completley understand. Things that often bring me comfort is being T4T... dealing with cis people less surprisingly makes my dysphoria not super bad sometimes LOL.
That's part of why I wouldn't want to be remembered if I were to ctb. The fact that I found out about Brianna's murder through some people I follow on twitter having horrified reactions to a post about it from a particularly infamous gimmick account put me into anger mode immediately. The fact that I saw people mocking her murder before I even knew what happened is fucking infuriating.
I've been questioning whether I'm trans the past few years. At first I liked it because I'd get ro be a woman but then reality kinda slapped me in the face. Sure I knew those things somewhat but they hadn't sinked in. So many masculine features won't change, I'm 26 (it takes years to get her here too). I might be blind by 31 or later anyway.
But ignoring that.. my body just feels really off. I didn't choose that. On top of that, I can't tell whether I'm actually just making this shit up because there weren't any real signs before and my pssd makes emotions hard to discern. Especially since I took saint jons wort and accidentally may have taken ashwagandah later and seem to have lost some stuff I'd feel during questioning. I haven't been able to cry about it a single time but I feel so limited by and foreign in my own body it just feels off on a sensual level like it's not really me, and whenever I looked in the mirror with clothes where I could kind of imagine a woman underneath, it felt so much more natural and soothing just to.. Exist. Maybe it's all in my head. I don't know. I feel like a fake trans person. But even if I don't turn out to be trans, I at least understand the struggle.
And then there's the constant confirmation that people hate and don't care about nor understand trans people at all. People trying to take medical care away even though for other conditions that's seen as inhumane. People creating tons of hatred and actually killing us while nobody really cares.
Many people never actually seeing you as the gender you are no matter how hard you try, especially if you don't pass The people who don't understand transness. I've went online and passed with my voice to be met with misoginy, but once I didn't pass... People legit bullying me for being a "tranny" and a "shemale" right away for no reason and sometimes other people ganging up on me. And when you don't try at all? Then people constantly make comments to remind you you're a man. I end up telling I'm trans even if I pass because it's way too exhausting to fear fuckin up at some point especially because I'm dealing with vocal health issues.
The unfair double standards don't help either. It's exhausting. The moderates are one thing, but The gender criticals, terfs, alt righters, why are they so desperate to make trans peoples lives miserable? Don't they know most of them are already dealing with a physical condition that can be debilitating enough to cause suicide in its own right? While kick people while they're down? They didn't do anything. It's not based in anything logical. They've been showing genocide signs. They don't want trans people to exist.
The Icing on the cake is that the online trans community makes very little sense to me and condones many things that just make trans people look silly. I'm not the type to be a pickme, reactionary or conservative. I try to respect non binary identities. But fuck. Amab masc lesbians? Come on guys. I know I should be focusing on things that actually matter but it feels like two groups with two very different issues and I'm supposed to act like I'm the same and conform to their needs where all gender is is some social shit. I don't really feel an inherent "identity" inside at all, I just realized I feel like my body should be female and want ro be categorized as such as there is a part of my neurology that dictates this. I'd count as "agender" by how much they separate sex and gender now but I don't want to be called that or go by they them I just want to be a girl. I dunno I know I'm not supposed to be infighting so much but I'd just like a space that understands and doesn't promite things like "Wanting to pass is transphobic, it's internalized transphobia". Come on that is literally transphobic yet is passed off as progressive.
I know exactly how you feel. Spaces that are supposed to be safe for trans people can often be very alienating. On the last thread where I talked about being trans and the pain of dysphoria, one suggestion that someone had was for me to try going to some kind of LGBT center, but I'm always afraid that I'll be outcast from groups like that since I just want to be a regular woman. I've been accused of having "internalized transphobia" quite a few times in my life by people who want to police the way that I talk about my pain and my experiences. I hate the fact that my existence is politicized, and I just wanna be like other girls and live a normal life without feeling like ripping my skin off because my body isn't what it should be.
Transphobia is a very real and big problem, but I think some people just don't realize that being trans would suck even without bigotry. The earliest memories I have are of gender dysphoria, wishing that I'd wake up the next day with a female body so that I would stop feeling so much discomfort.
I remember back before I truly accepted that I'm trans (I had a lot of issues to work out before a diagnosis of gender dysphoria), I was watching Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika. It was pretty new at the time, and the idea of becoming a magical girl and getting a wish was so exciting to me. I knew in that moment that my wish would be to be biologically female, and I knew that I would fight a million witches if that was what it took to make my wish come true. That was back when I was in middle school, which was hell in particular thanks to the onset of puberty (among other things unrelated to this thread).
I'm constantly paranoid about whether or not I pass because dysphoria turns every molehill into a mountain. Any physical trait of my body that's even remotely male gets amplified and magnified to the point that I can't stand looking at the person in the mirror. I've actually smashed a few mirrors because of that.
It's true that there's lots of awful abelism everywhere which goes basically unrecognized, both physical and mental, visible and invisible, and that abelism against autistic people is one of them. But I gotta say, as an autistic person who started questioning way later, I feel like being trans right now feels a lot scarier than being autistic, though it helps I don't live in a place with an organization as awful as autism speaks.
I remember when I went to a special school where most had physical disbailties like not being able to walk or near blindness and just realizing how.. Hidden a lot of these people are in society to begin with. The abuse against them is so normalized too. Most wouldn't even know. It really made me think.
It often feels like when someone's brain is different than normal, people go out of their way to make life more difficult for them. Discrimination against people who are physically disabled is also a big problem, but I feel like it's been improving because people can see those disabilities, making it easier for them to understand and take seriously.
When it comes to neurological disabilities like autism, so many people have no understanding of what it actually is because they can't see it. There's a lot of infantilization and refusal to make simple accommodations. I was forced into "special ed" as a kid, and it was awful. The school didn't understand at all that I have a social disability and not a learning disability, so the things that needed work weren't worked on. I was constantly treated the same exact way that students with learning disabilities were, which is to say that they treated me like I was stupid.
There were quite a few times when I'd get in trouble for things relating to my autism, and instead of explaining what I did wrong, the special ed teacher would shout "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!" at me as I cried and let out a frightened "what did I do wrong?" I was even almost expelled for reasons related to my disability. Thankfully, my father knew the laws surrounding disability and threatened to sue the school if they expelled me.
Autism and gender dysphoria aren't taken seriously by a lot of people for the same kinds of reasons. They're issues with the way that the brain develops, therefore people aren't able to see the issue and believe it to be fake because of that.
