Venting I Started My SN Regime Today...

[Chemi]

I swallowed the first Meto pills today.
It's a tiny white pill, but it feels like the first step across a line I can't uncross.
My body is starting to prepare for the SN potion, less than 30 hours away now, and my mind keeps dissociating as I type this.

I don't want to die. God, I don't want to die.
I want to stay long enough to watch the new seasons of the shows that make me forget for an hour, to hear whatever Nirvana-sounding band comes next, to feel the summer sun soak into my skin like forgiveness and the winter wind bite my cheeks until they burn red and alive.
Those moments are real. They're bright and sharp, and they still make my heart flutter.

But they're islands in an ocean of gray.
The rest is this endless, suffocating misery that wraps around my chest and twists my stomach into knots I can't untie.
Breathing feels like pulling air through wet cement, every inhale a reminder that I'm still here, still carrying this weight that never lightens.

I'm so tired of pretending tomorrow might be different.
I'm terrified of going through with it, and I'm terrified of not going through with it.
The SN waits quietly in the drawer, patient and certain, while I sit here drowning in maybe.

I hate this doubt that creeps in like fog, turning certainty into smoke I can't grasp.
It's the endless rollercoaster ride where every turn brings a new feeling I never saw coming, leaving me dizzy and desperate for solid ground.

I'm scared.
I'm excited.
I'm hopeless.
I'm confused.
And I'm so, so tired.

 

[avalokitesvara]

We're here for you in this process. Please don't forget that it's OK to change your mind, it's not too late to stop. The things you write about the experiences there are to live for are lovely and beautiful.

Take good care

 

[astr4]

i'm sorry you've decided to go. "islands in an ocean of grey" how eloquent. and just like an ocean, we're all drowning, too. sometimes the occasional opportunity to catch our breath and enjoy life just… isn't enough. and it's sad and i wish it was enough to keep you around but sometimes it isn't and that's okay. i understand sometimes you're just tired after trying for so many years. you tried your best. i see that.

i hope you know you can always change your mind. and if you don't i hope you know we're with you in spirit. i hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you desire

 

[NutOrat]

I'm sorry it has come to this, Chemi... As the others said, it's fine if you don't follow through with it, but ultimately, it's up to you. I wish you luck and peace, whatever you end up doing. You deserve your life to be an ocean of bright blue, full of color. I wish it could be that.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

Only you can know what's right for you. However you decide to go forth, we're all here for you.

 

[Macedonian1987]

Good luck. I hope it all goes well for you, and may you finally be rid of all the torment that brought you to take this drastic step. If all goes as planned I will too drink my SN in the summer of 2026 or 2027. The chronic pain will dictate how long will i live.

 

[kuroshimi]

Good luck with whatever decision you will make. It's okay if nothing comes out of it. It's okay to change your mind. Take care.

 

[Defenestration]

I'm sad to see you go. Thank you for all your work...all your research...just because you've taken a pill doesn't mean it's over...you still have a choice...take the time to think it over

 

[littlecutecorpse]

ohh, i'm really sorry to see you go. :( it was really nice talking to you while you on this site, and i understand how it feels when not even the little good things in life can alleviate the endless suffering we face. now, of course, you can always change your mind on this if you wish, and it's okay if you do. no need to feel guilty about it. but regardless of what you decide, i hope you find the peace you deserve. wishing you the best. take care, chemi

 

[Chemi]

Hey everyone,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind responses. Your words have been a quiet light in these tough times, and I've read every reply multiple times, holding onto the care you all sent my way. It means more than I can say.

At the moment, it looks like I'll drink the SN tomorrow night. Preparations are complete, and I've brought everything in order as gently as I could.

I'll try to get some rest soon, and then I have all of tomorrow to reconsider, to feel everything one more time.

You all have been amazing. Take care of yourselves, okay? Love to all of you.

@avalokitesvara @astr4 @darksouls @NutOrat @ObsidianWatcher @Macedonian1987 @kuroshimi @Defenestration @littlecutecorpse & everyone else

Thank you for all your work...all your research.

Of course and I hope I could help educate people a little about SN. Nobody should make this decision without knowing what they are getting into.

 

[kuroshimi]

Hey everyone,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind responses. Your words have been a quiet light in these tough times, and I've read every reply multiple times, holding onto the care you all sent my way. It means more than I can say.

At the moment, it looks like I'll drink the SN tomorrow night. Preparations are complete, and I've brought everything in order as gently as I could.

I'll try to get some rest soon, and then I have all of tomorrow to reconsider, to feel everything one more time.

You all have been amazing. Take care of yourselves, okay? Love to all of you.

@avalokitesvara @astr4 @darksouls @NutOrat @ObsidianWatcher @Macedonian1987 @kuroshimi @Defenestration @littlecutecorpse & everyone else


Of course and I hope I could help educate people a little about SN. Nobody should make this decision without knowing what they are getting into.

It's really sad to see that you go. Not talking to all of you much, since I am relatively new here, but you and others seems very kind and nice.

Also, thanks for you research, probably it may reconsider my method to go since in my country it's quite easy to obtain SN (?) (but maybe still keeping with hanging?)

Best wishes and hope you find a peace you deserve.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I hope you end up exactly where you want to be, that also includes reconsideration. Hopefully after this night you'll wake with a clear mind and decide what is it you really want from tomorrow.

 

[Gangrel]

sad to see you go, wishing you become well

 

[Defenestration]

Hey everyone,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind responses. Your words have been a quiet light in these tough times, and I've read every reply multiple times, holding onto the care you all sent my way. It means more than I can say.

At the moment, it looks like I'll drink the SN tomorrow night. Preparations are complete, and I've brought everything in order as gently as I could.

I'll try to get some rest soon, and then I have all of tomorrow to reconsider, to feel everything one more time.

You all have been amazing. Take care of yourselves, okay? Love to all of you.

@avalokitesvara @astr4 @darksouls @NutOrat @ObsidianWatcher @Macedonian1987 @kuroshimi @Defenestration @littlecutecorpse & everyone else


Of course and I hope I could help educate people a little about SN. Nobody should make this decision without knowing what they are getting into.

How did you get all this information? Have you worked in the chemical industry? Sorry for the question, but you're so precise and knowledgeable about the SN. Think about it carefully; you can always go back and wait until 2026... Thanks for your thoughts. You've contributed so much to SaSu.

 

[dalemar]

I hope you find your peace!

 

[Gabriel1987]

You haven't been registered for long, yet you've gathered a wealth of information about the SN. Thank you for your work and contribution; it will help many people understand how the SN works.

As others have said, you don't have to go through with it; there's no rush. I don't know if you have loved ones, and I don't want to make you feel guilty, but leaving during the holidays isn't necessarily the best idea for those around you. My little brother died at the age of 8, and it was during Christmas, so you can imagine how much I hate that time of year. Thank you for your advice, and if you decide to go, I hope you won't suffer and that everything will be alright for you.

 

[Chemi]

How did you get all this information? Have you worked in the chemical industry? Sorry for the question, but you're so precise and knowledgeable about the SN. Think about it carefully; you can always go back and wait until 2026... Thanks for your thoughts. You've contributed so much to SaSu.

Just a mix of some prior experience working in the medical field, being always decent in chemistry and biology, and being obsessed with deep-diving and learning new stuff. I also had most of 2025 to study SN after I quickly realized that most Info on here is often rather surface-level (excluding the SN Bible and a few other posts).
Actually, test drinking SN helped me gather some firsthand experience as well (that is not very advisable, however )

 

[ilovenewyork]

Have you thought about throwing away the SN and all the meds, deleting your account here and trying some therapy instead?

You could live another 50 years and I'm sure many would be happy. 25 is really too young to get caught up in all this

 

[Chemi]

Have you thought about throwing away the SN and all the meds, deleting your account here and trying some therapy instead?

Been there, tried that. Had many, many years of therapy, over 2 years combined of inpatient and outpatient psychiatric stays, had rehab, had all different kinds of fancy therapy forms like CBT, DBT, or CPT. Got back up more times than I can count and fell down each and every time again.
At this point, I just don't know what I could even try anymore, and to be honest, I don't think I even have the energy to try again.

25 is really too young to get caught up in all this

Sadly, I have to agree. I am too young to be dealing with those kinds of thoughts. Nobody my age should have to make preparations for their death and funeral, but life do be funny like that sometimes. We don't always get to choose our destiny.

 

[socksnsandles]

chemi youve made some informational comments on some posts here. thank you for helping out the community in your time here and i wish you well on your journey. ill see you on the other side soon. cheers

 

[ilovenewyork]

What if you took a hiatus for two weeks to think things over and regroup? If you feel the same afterwards nothing is stopping you from continuing with your plan.

You might see things differently in a week. I mean what's with all the rush anyway?

 

[madwoman]

Sending love. Wish I could give you a hug - have been reading your posts recently but haven't gotten round to reply I don't think bc sometimes my brain can't but this post sounds very poetic - you have a beautiful way with words. As I am also preparing and contemplating my CTB, I am going through similar thought processes and feelings on finding some joys in life and weighing whether they alleviate my lows enough. It's a terrible way to feel and I am sorry for your pain. I hope things go okay whatever you decide as I can imagine how it will all feel. We are all here for you

 

[Chemi]

What if you took a hiatus for two weeks to think things over and regroup?

I'll think about it.

Everyone being so nice to me on my vent post was actually really beautiful and heart-warming. I didn't expect this to turn into a proper goodbye post. Just needed a little vent yesterday, but it got way, way more attention than I actually wanted. I have some time left before things become irreversible; we will see. :)

 

[Alive42long]

Hi! I haven't talked to you yet since I'm new here, but Im sorry our health professionals couldnt help you and youre considering CTB. I really hope that, whichever decision you choose, you end up satisfied and wont need to suffer through what made you consider this alternative.

We all hope for your best!

 

[Defenestration]

J'y réfléchirai.

J'ai été très touchée par toutes les réactions à mon message de défoulement. Je ne m'attendais pas à ce que ça se transforme en un véritable message d'adieu. J'avais juste besoin de me défouler un peu hier, mais ça a suscité beaucoup plus d'attention que prévu. Il me reste encore un peu de temps avant que les choses ne deviennent irréversibles ; on verra bien. :)

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