prettyclam
Member
- Nov 29, 2024
- 51
Autumn is coming closer and with each day that passes, I'm reminded that I should've died before 2025 even began. Everyday afterwards feels like purgatory.
The plan was perfect. I had SN, threw away my belongings, and finalized my suicide note. I was so close to ctb but my dad ruined it. Out of nowhere, he yelled at me about how I have no future goals. Maybe if he didn't abuse me for my entire life then I would've had some, but now I'm a hopeless 19 year old retail worker.
You know how children pee themselves when they're too scared? The same thing happened to me, except my big mouth spilt my ctb plans. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't dish out another lie, another excuse. I already lied to him for months by saying that I would join the military. That lie was the only reason he let me live at home after graduation. Otherwise, I'd be homeless.
Ever since that day, I've felt like a ghost. I basically died already. Nothing has changed from then and now. If anything, its gotten worse. At least before I had a feasible ctb plan. Now, the exit is gone.
SN isn't obtainable in my country anymore. There's no high places nearby. I have no money to buy supplies because of the debt the mental hospital gave me. All that's left to try is hanging, which is my least preferred method. I'm in no position to be picky but I really don't want to hang. I can't free myself from this suffering. I'm stuck like a reflection behind a mirror. Everyone moves on but me.
My dad is now retired. My friends are getting better jobs and apartments. My girlfriend is entering her sophomore year of college. Meanwhile I'm the same person from last December.
I just want to die. Even if I could magically go to college, or get promoted, or win the lottery, I'd still want to die. Life doesn't have anything to show me. I've experienced nothing that's made me want to live. If I did die in December then I wouldn't have missed a thing. Everyday is the same monotonous routine, and whenever I do break it, it doesn't make me any less depressed or suicidal. This is simply who I am. A ghost. A nobody. A husk of a human whose soul is aimlessly floating through a void. If only it didn't retain my conciousness.
My 24 hours consists of crying, crying, and more crying because it'll never get better. I literally cannot think of a way to dig myself out of this grave. I'm in a physical and mental cage with no key. There are no coping skills that'll make the pain bearable. I've exhausted hobbies, hangouts, and people. I've sucked all of the love I can extract from my girlfriend who's only with me so I don't kill myself. I fidget, rip out my hair, and starve. Even cutting doesn't help. I have no outlet.
And recently, this website has been losing its potency too. I used to browse here like crazy, but the depression has gotten so powerful that scrolling doesn't relieve me anymore. This mental illness is unfixable, untreatable. It's terminal and I'm at stage 99. I wish depression were a "real" disease that could actually kill me. Death is a way better outcome than the white padded cell that is my life. Calling it a life is almost funny. How is my life equal to those who have passions, ambitions, and happiness? They're in another league I could only dream of. This can't be life. The one thing this could be is a nightmare.
The plan was perfect. I had SN, threw away my belongings, and finalized my suicide note. I was so close to ctb but my dad ruined it. Out of nowhere, he yelled at me about how I have no future goals. Maybe if he didn't abuse me for my entire life then I would've had some, but now I'm a hopeless 19 year old retail worker.
You know how children pee themselves when they're too scared? The same thing happened to me, except my big mouth spilt my ctb plans. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't dish out another lie, another excuse. I already lied to him for months by saying that I would join the military. That lie was the only reason he let me live at home after graduation. Otherwise, I'd be homeless.
Ever since that day, I've felt like a ghost. I basically died already. Nothing has changed from then and now. If anything, its gotten worse. At least before I had a feasible ctb plan. Now, the exit is gone.
SN isn't obtainable in my country anymore. There's no high places nearby. I have no money to buy supplies because of the debt the mental hospital gave me. All that's left to try is hanging, which is my least preferred method. I'm in no position to be picky but I really don't want to hang. I can't free myself from this suffering. I'm stuck like a reflection behind a mirror. Everyone moves on but me.
My dad is now retired. My friends are getting better jobs and apartments. My girlfriend is entering her sophomore year of college. Meanwhile I'm the same person from last December.
I just want to die. Even if I could magically go to college, or get promoted, or win the lottery, I'd still want to die. Life doesn't have anything to show me. I've experienced nothing that's made me want to live. If I did die in December then I wouldn't have missed a thing. Everyday is the same monotonous routine, and whenever I do break it, it doesn't make me any less depressed or suicidal. This is simply who I am. A ghost. A nobody. A husk of a human whose soul is aimlessly floating through a void. If only it didn't retain my conciousness.
My 24 hours consists of crying, crying, and more crying because it'll never get better. I literally cannot think of a way to dig myself out of this grave. I'm in a physical and mental cage with no key. There are no coping skills that'll make the pain bearable. I've exhausted hobbies, hangouts, and people. I've sucked all of the love I can extract from my girlfriend who's only with me so I don't kill myself. I fidget, rip out my hair, and starve. Even cutting doesn't help. I have no outlet.
And recently, this website has been losing its potency too. I used to browse here like crazy, but the depression has gotten so powerful that scrolling doesn't relieve me anymore. This mental illness is unfixable, untreatable. It's terminal and I'm at stage 99. I wish depression were a "real" disease that could actually kill me. Death is a way better outcome than the white padded cell that is my life. Calling it a life is almost funny. How is my life equal to those who have passions, ambitions, and happiness? They're in another league I could only dream of. This can't be life. The one thing this could be is a nightmare.
