Venting I should have done it but it's too late

[SomewhatLoved]

In the fall at one point I was so close to CTBing I should have done it. I still feel sad and lonely most (pretty much all) of the time and I have tons of issues that I doubt I'll ever solve, but I just sort of feel paralyzed now and like the initiative to CTB is gone. I'm almost positive I have a personality disorder that is just intrinsic to who I am and I hate it. My life isn't good but it's bearable, at least right now. I almost hope something terrible happens again that drives me towards suicide.