I set a date.

[Jean4]

I don't mind, but I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that.



This is so beautiful. Thank you so much.



Many reasons. I have been suffering from and diagnosed with depression, bi polar disorder, anxiety, and BDD for about 20 years now. I've tried medication, therapy of all sorts, diet+exercise- nothing has worked to combat it and these things are only getting harder for me to deal with.

My family exists but they only talk to me when things like a birth, wedding, graduation, or funeral is happening. None of them call to chat or see how I'm doing. No one visits, I always am the one to reach out or travel to them so it's not like their love is being shown.

My current boyfriend is pretty much using me for many things. One of the jobs I work has many people he admires and he has shown that he is more interested in being friends with them than loving me. He flirts with other girls all the time and says I'm ok but not the best girl he has been with. I feel I deserve this sort of treatment so I stick around. Right now, I'd rather have fake love than none at all.

I work 2 jobs and it's exhausting. One really pulls out the BDD in my brain since there's a lot of emphasis on having to be pretty and comparing myself to other women. I work a lot and long hours just to stay afloat. I have terrible debt, horrible rental history (I'm living with a friend right now out of the kindness of her heart and not on a lease due to an eviction and poor credit), and I still have to pay a decent amount out of pocket for my current therapy situation. I feel I can't ever get ahead because of my past mistakes. I royally screwed myself during my early 20s because I never thought I'd live long enough to experience the consequences.

I'm tired of having to be a burden to those who show me any sort of compassion because of what a mistake I am. I don't want to keep being a negative impact on this planet or in this society.

I understand. Except for the boyfriend part. I am on meds for Depression. Was BiPolar when I was younger now it switched to Depression.

I wish you love and peace, and yes. Please keep us informed of your story.

 

[Karma]

Best of luck!

Also, I wouldn't use hanging if you have a chance of getting caught.

 

[worthless.one]

Depending on the medication, it might be helpful to take one to reduce survival instinct. But taking enough that you're near passing out from medication while approaching the noose introduces significant risk for failure. It's also worth noting that you'll lose consciousness so fast when hanging properly–if you can get the noose right and maintain the will for 20 seconds max you will be on your way. No need for your body to feel heavy if you can make it that long.

You shouldn't attempt hanging if there's any chance of people finding you. Instead of them struggling to revive you because of pills, they'll struggle to revive you because you will have just essentially gone through a stroke and had major parts of your brain die off due to lack of oxygen. Then if you're revived, you'll have to live on as a vegetable or with other major loss of function if not fully to that point. You can read some horror stories about this.

Obviously, it's your choice and you should do what you want. I just want to make sure you understand the risk for failure that the drugs pose, as well as the importance that you leave no chance that you're found. Not a coin flip, not a dice roll. No chance.

Pardon me, but I'm not an idiot. I've been researching suicide methods for decades now due to my mental instability and I understand and am aware of all these risks. I have read the horror stories. I know it's not always the best idea to take pills before hand. I know I could become a vegetable if found. I know I will pass out in 15-30 seconds from a low suspension hang if I do it right.

But I want to go out the way I want to go out. I've been a shibari and rope suspension artist for 5 years now. I know my knots like the back of my hand and know which knot to use to hang myself in this way. I'll have it prepared before I take the pills.

As for being found, I live with a roommate who could always, by some chance, come home from work when I'm hanging. She rarely does, but there will always be a chance. I'm taking that risk since it's incredibly slight.

The medication I'm taking is allergy medication that makes me super drowsy. Nothing severe, just something that will help me enough to make me feel too tired IF I get there.

I don't know if you're actually trying to help or if you just enjoy being condensending- but the latter is coming off. I'd appreciate you not sharing your opinion with me if you're just going to base it off false assumptions.

 

[worthless.one]

I understand. Except for the boyfriend part. I am on meds for Depression. Was BiPolar when I was younger now it switched to Depression.

I wish you love and peace, and yes. Please keep us informed of your story.

Thank you. I'm sorry you're struggling with your own demons and I hope you find peace of your own. I'll keep you all updated up to CTB.

Best of luck!

Also, I wouldn't use hanging if you have a chance of getting caught.

The chance is 1/100000. I have a roommate that could come home from work but has never done so before since she's dedicated to her job and has no reason to come back for any reason. Since the risk is so slight I'm willing to take the chance.
Are any of you into games? I love them. I recently finished a game I've wanted to play for a while called Doki Doki Literature Club. There's a character in the game I relate to more than any other character in any fictional world I have been presented. Her name is Sayori.

There's this part in the game where you go and talk to Sayori and she has this amazing monolog about her depression and how it makes her feel and how it runs her life. I had never felt so vulnerable or as if my diary was read and used for the dialog. She talks about how she always shows her happy self and brings people together and makes everyone feel good because she feels so worthless. She says she doesn't deserve anyone's love and is just bad for everyone. The words she uses are more impactful that I had to stop playing to cry it off. I actually felt connected to something and it was nice.

I don't feel less of those things, but it was amazing to hear something else speak them so clearly. It was great to hear something else understand exactly how I feel.

 

[Jc40]

I'm sorry you're going but I understand most of what you're saying. I hope at the end you do not suffer. I hope you have pleasant last couple of weeks. I wish you the very best, also that if fear grasps hold and you don't go through with it there will be other times. Be easy on yourself as much as you can be.