I relapsed. Again.

[CTBHouston]

As an opoid addict who's been managing their addiction with medications, I still managed to fuck up. I picked up the needle, started shooting coke because it was there and now I'm ashamed. I missed a shot in my arm, which worries me but it looks like it isn't too bad. I want to die but not from an abscess or sepsis. I tried finding fentanyl, it's a little hard to find. I just want to shoot that final fucking shot and get this over with. The fentanyl pills aren't even strong enough, i did 4 the other day. I think my tolerance is ruined. I just want to fade away

 

[Kit1]

I honestly don't know what to say except that I feel shame is a natural response and that is one emotion that you really don't need to take responsibility for. I am not going to pretend that I know anything about drug addiction - but lived experience of other addictions and relapses are part of the condition - hence someone who has kicked an addiction is always referred to as "in recovery " and the only other time that terminology is used by medics is for cancer patients as people who have shaken off cancer still have a higher chance of having the cancer return. Shame has the power to destroy us and is a powerful emotion - and often felt by victims than aggressors of compromising and challenging situations - again lived experience as shame destroys me everyday - shame that men raped me when I was a kid and the shame clearly does not belong to me, but nevertheless travels with me lime a lifelong companion. Please try and look at the shame and kick it away from you into the abyss - you have identified that there has been a relapse and Well Done for doing that and this means that you still have a better chance to try and get back to recovery.

If I have completely misunderstood what you have said , I really am sorry. Whatever happens, good luck and I hope that everything works out for you. Take care.

 

[CTBHouston]

I honestly don't know what to say except that I feel shame is a natural response and that is one emotion that you really don't need to take responsibility for. I am not going to pretend that I know anything about drug addiction - but lived experience of other addictions and relapses are part of the condition - hence someone who has kicked an addiction is always referred to as "in recovery " and the only other time that terminology is used by medics is for cancer patients as people who have shaken off cancer still have a higher chance of having the cancer return. Shame has the power to destroy us and is a powerful emotion - and often felt by victims than aggressors of compromising and challenging situations - again lived experience as shame destroys me everyday - shame that men raped me when I was a kid and the shame clearly does not belong to me, but nevertheless travels with me lime a lifelong companion. Please try and look at the shame and kick it away from you into the abyss - you have identified that there has been a relapse and Well Done for doing that and this means that you still have a better chance to try and get back to recovery.

If I have completely misunderstood what you have said , I really am sorry. Whatever happens, good luck and I hope that everything works out for you. Take care.

Thank you. I got rid of the rest of my needles and gave the rest of my coke away, mainly because of a manic state and paranoid that I was going to lose my arm. But it's gone either way. I'm sober now. I would love some booze right now but because of the way your body metabolizes coke, the ethanol combined with a metabolite creates a stronger, more toxic drug called Cocethelne. I don't know how I feel. I'm not numb. I just have this looming feeling over me because I knew that would happen. And yet I still did it.

 

[Kit1]

Thank you. I got rid of the rest of my needles and gave the rest of my coke away, mainly because of a manic state and paranoid that I was going to lose my arm. But it's gone either way. I'm sober now. I would love some booze right now but because of the way your body metabolizes coke, the ethanol combined with a metabolite creates a stronger, more toxic drug called Cocethelne. I don't know how I feel. I'm not numb. I just have this looming feeling over me because I knew that would happen. And yet I still did it.

Given how hard you hard the struggle will be, you still managed to deal with the situation to the best of your abilities - I don't even know you and feel so proud of you. Please keep reaching out and keep talking if that helps. Though I know that I don't understand what you are going through, happy to listen though and so are so many others on this forum.

Sending you lots of good wishes.

Take care

 

[CTBHouston]

Given how hard you hard the struggle will be, you still managed to deal with the situation to the best of your abilities - I don't even know you and feel so proud of you. Please keep reaching out and keep talking if that helps. Though I know that I don't understand what you are going through, happy to listen though and so are so many others on this forum.

Sending you lots of good wishes.

Take care

I genuinely appreciate you. Thank you for your kindness. I wish I could explain the amount of self hatred I've been harboring for the past months. Somehow you managed to make me feel better. It's been a long time since anyone has ever said they're proud of me. I'm crying right now but I'm not sad, I just can't tell you how much better this small conversation has made me feel. If I could hug you I would.

 

[Kit1]

I genuinely appreciate you. Thank you for your kindness. I wish I could explain the amount of self hatred I've been harboring for the past months. Somehow you managed to make me feel better. It's been a long time since anyone has ever said they're proud of me. I'm crying right now but I'm not sad, I just can't tell you how much better this small conversation has made me feel. If I could hug you I would.

It is spuls with shared pain travelling together and there are people.who care - for shared pain also brings together a level of understanding. I am glad that youvare feeling slightly better and please keep talking and reaching out - our conversation has helped me a lot as well. Take care.