i regret that i didn't do it

[riamu]

11 months ago i came to terms with my own death whilst on a train. i sat there on the floor between two different carriages, someone else in my seat despite me specifically booking it earlier, and i knew i was supposed to die that night. i spent the whole three hour journey thinking about it, completely convinced that as soon as i got home i was going to dig at my wrists and cut until i finally hit an artery and bled out all over my shitty dorm room (not the best method but I've always had a flair for the dramatic). i spent the entire walk home thinking about throwing myself on the train tracks, in front of a passing car, jumping down that one stairwell. but when i got home i just. didn't do it. i just got high and then i woke up the next day. alive.

there's a certain feeling you get when you truly make peace with your own death, an emotion i have no idea how to describe. i haven't felt it since then. of course I've thought about catching the bus, it's like a pavlovian response to stress at this point, but i've never gotten that feeling again. i can't help but feel like i missed my chance. like that was the day i was supposed to die but i stubbornly held onto life and now i'm just stuck here.

there's no point to this post. i'm just drunk and reminiscing.

 

[Worndown]

Making peace with death and dying are different, one more difficult than the other. Don't beat yourself up over this. If it makes you feel beter, you will get as many chances as you need.