greywings
floating; sinking
- Mar 4, 2022
- 23
So I found out last week that I'm getting kicked out of the house. The house I helped pay for. The house whose bills I managed solo for years without complaint no matter how things got, that I kept taking shitty work roles for because I knew that the money would be better for everyone. The same place where people could just walk up to me and ask me to pull 200+ dollars I didn't have out of my ass without warning because one of the other people who were only supposed to fucking manage one thing could just spend all the money they were meant to manage down on random, half-finished "improvements" to the place that have actually gotten us in trouble with the city! They can't ask me in advance for anything I can't plan for anything!
And it's all because they want to demolish the closet and turn my room into a guest room?
If I'd known this was going to be temporary I never would have committed. I would have looked at other options and not given so much of my own savings to this place. And the winning bit is they thought it was fine to give me two months warning with no savings after having just given me covid so I could spend the small savings I had just gotten back up on dealing with missing work. (I don't leave the house, I always mask to even take out the trash, and I don't meet anyone else but my roommates.) Like, It was the day after I returned to work! With the state of housing being how it is now??
So what the hell was this? I pay in, they clear their debts, and now I'm out? We couldn't talk about the closet thing? (Which I said I could be okay with if I could just have a timeline and save up vacation time/money to not be here while it was being done!) We couldn't look into getting a bigger place? It's just immediately "I don't care about (you)r money any more so go?" (Literally the only two people who are here with incomes never have a reliable schedule so that's way more stress on them.
Even if they suddenly changed their mind I wouldn't want to stay. I've been looking, hoping I could save up enough to get a place after maybe one of the others got a more stable job, just because they're always fighting with each other.
I hate always being so exploitable and expendable. I'm so tired of dealing with this. I get 3-4 years tops of staying in a place and it's always "oh yeah your shitlord uncle is moving in with us. what's that? you think it's a bad idea because he went full rage and smashed up part of the house and brought the police to our old place twice? you think he's unreliable because he's constantly scamming people? well no that's fine let's just wait until he gets us kicked out of the rental. mm okay we finally got a nice clean place and are managing alright. but what if i brought your sister back here? the one who stole the car and has threatened me and her boyfriend with a knife, while beating the latter? no no you can't call the cops I'll tell them it was fine because no one needs to know Our Business even though you're literally bleeding. whatever we'll just get kicked out again! oh and our next place i'm just going to stop paying my bills without telling you happy eviction!! yeah you were at your friends and i made up some bullshit about missing you and how we're doing better but i really just wanted you to come back to help me with the court case to stall it while the judge tells you to your face that we're just using you like it's some sort of massive revelation at that point."
It's always some bullshit like this but I'm never able to get away. I thought I got away this time. I did more than what was asked and always looked out for things. I did their dishes and took out their trash and tried to be nice even when they were mean and it never works.
I've wanted to die for so long for so many things but I just...I wanted to do something nice for the people important to me and help them get stable since they actually want to live. I wanted to be able to choose where and when and how I went and I just wanted some peace on the way there. I don't want a lot of things I just want quiet.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate hate hate being pushed like this because that means it could only hurt and can't I at least be pain-free with death? Please? Trying to find some place to live again and risking my job and having to talk to and trust people again I don't want to do it. I don't think I could commit to a lease worth of time when I feel like this. But living outside with the way my body is and the way people are just....I don't even want to live! And I don't want to go to a stranger I just want it to stop.
And it's all because they want to demolish the closet and turn my room into a guest room?
If I'd known this was going to be temporary I never would have committed. I would have looked at other options and not given so much of my own savings to this place. And the winning bit is they thought it was fine to give me two months warning with no savings after having just given me covid so I could spend the small savings I had just gotten back up on dealing with missing work. (I don't leave the house, I always mask to even take out the trash, and I don't meet anyone else but my roommates.) Like, It was the day after I returned to work! With the state of housing being how it is now??
So what the hell was this? I pay in, they clear their debts, and now I'm out? We couldn't talk about the closet thing? (Which I said I could be okay with if I could just have a timeline and save up vacation time/money to not be here while it was being done!) We couldn't look into getting a bigger place? It's just immediately "I don't care about (you)r money any more so go?" (Literally the only two people who are here with incomes never have a reliable schedule so that's way more stress on them.
Even if they suddenly changed their mind I wouldn't want to stay. I've been looking, hoping I could save up enough to get a place after maybe one of the others got a more stable job, just because they're always fighting with each other.
I hate always being so exploitable and expendable. I'm so tired of dealing with this. I get 3-4 years tops of staying in a place and it's always "oh yeah your shitlord uncle is moving in with us. what's that? you think it's a bad idea because he went full rage and smashed up part of the house and brought the police to our old place twice? you think he's unreliable because he's constantly scamming people? well no that's fine let's just wait until he gets us kicked out of the rental. mm okay we finally got a nice clean place and are managing alright. but what if i brought your sister back here? the one who stole the car and has threatened me and her boyfriend with a knife, while beating the latter? no no you can't call the cops I'll tell them it was fine because no one needs to know Our Business even though you're literally bleeding. whatever we'll just get kicked out again! oh and our next place i'm just going to stop paying my bills without telling you happy eviction!! yeah you were at your friends and i made up some bullshit about missing you and how we're doing better but i really just wanted you to come back to help me with the court case to stall it while the judge tells you to your face that we're just using you like it's some sort of massive revelation at that point."
It's always some bullshit like this but I'm never able to get away. I thought I got away this time. I did more than what was asked and always looked out for things. I did their dishes and took out their trash and tried to be nice even when they were mean and it never works.
I've wanted to die for so long for so many things but I just...I wanted to do something nice for the people important to me and help them get stable since they actually want to live. I wanted to be able to choose where and when and how I went and I just wanted some peace on the way there. I don't want a lot of things I just want quiet.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate hate hate being pushed like this because that means it could only hurt and can't I at least be pain-free with death? Please? Trying to find some place to live again and risking my job and having to talk to and trust people again I don't want to do it. I don't think I could commit to a lease worth of time when I feel like this. But living outside with the way my body is and the way people are just....I don't even want to live! And I don't want to go to a stranger I just want it to stop.
