I really want to die, but I can't seem to do it

[Ｓanctioned Suicide]

I'm not scared, at least I don't think I am, I'm very much so numb.. But, still I can't come up with a solid plan, I'm gonna try ketamine tomorrow and see if that helps at all with the "fear"?

 

[wellworthwit]

Have you taken ketamine before? I was a habitual user in my teenage years and it is by far the scariest "popular" recreational drug out there imo.

Not trying to encourage you to overcome fear so you can ctb, but if fear is what you're trying to overcome in general, opiates/opioids I think are the far superior drug when it comes to overcoming nervousness/fear

 

[アホペンギン]

You should try looking into peaceful plans since you're like this, for example SN would be good for you or partial. What is happening to you, i can only think of it as SI. Considering from my experiences, i would be afraid of actually going through with ctb because of SI. It may not apply to you, though. Also i did some research, apparently ketamine makes you feel sick, for me, that wouldn't make me feel any better about ctb with it despite it making you unaware of things.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really just isn't straightforward after all, I certainly wish it's easier to finally escape from this existence and it really should be, I hate how it's so difficult to die. But anyway I wish you the best and I hope you eventually find what you search for.

 

[Unattainable666]

I'm not scared, at least I don't think I am, I'm very much so numb.. But, still I can't come up with a solid plan, I'm gonna try ketamine tomorrow and see if that helps at all with the "fear"?

I understand how you feel I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to ctb, but I am terrified that my method will fail. If I had a full proof way my ass would be outta here!

 

[020x]

Benzodiazepines works the best against panic/stress and fear. But you need it prescribed. I've heard there's online stores that sell without prescription so might be worth looking into that.

 

[LittleJem]

please report back on the ketamine... hope you have a good/helpful trip

 

[NightshadeDreamer]

Please update on the ket. I've tried a small amount before with friends, we all threw up and felt so ill. But we thought it may have been off. I'm looking into K-Holes for a similar reason, so get that experience. I'm not afraid of dying so I think trying it again would be good. Although I plan on taking TCA's with it for a strong sedative affect.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i think most people like me fear failure and end up worse than we currently are. i don't feel suicidal but if there was a door to leave, i'd absolutely take it.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I'm not scared, at least I don't think I am, I'm very much so numb.. But, still I can't come up with a solid plan, I'm gonna try ketamine tomorrow and see if that helps at all with the "fear"?

I always tell people who say they're considering self-terminating to get clarity. The funny thing about suicide is that it's not entirely emotional. It's being real about life and our places in it. If you're having doubts, those doubts need to be explored. There might be something that you can find that may be a legitimate reason to press forward. I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but being honest with yourself will help you make a sober decision. This puts to rest all of the difficulties with the SI. And this takes time. Getting clarity takes time and honesty. It's imperative that you get real and honest with yourself, so that you can make a much better decision. I wish you clarity and peace on your journey.

 

[Ｓanctioned Suicide]

Benzodiazepines works the best against panic/stress and fear. But you need it prescribed. I've heard there's online stores that sell without prescription so might be worth looking into that.

Actually that's where I got the ketamine, it will be here tomorrow. But a prescription is too much work, and I wanna be semi sober when I do it, as much as I love being completely unconscious from benzos I don't wanna die that fucked up, I kind of wanna experience the pain of it. I have personal reasons for that, and they aren't really any weird masochist reasons more like I've been numb to pretty much everything my whole life, and right before death the ultimate feeling would be extreme pain.

Have you taken ketamine before? I was a habitual user in my teenage years and it is by far the scariest "popular" recreational drug out there imo.

Not trying to encourage you to overcome fear so you can ctb, but if fear is what you're trying to overcome in general, opiates/opioids I think are the far superior drug when it comes to overcoming nervousness/fear

That's where my problem is, opioids... They seem to have given a sociopath emotions because before my opioid addiction I couldn't feel a fucking thing, and now that I can I wan't to ctb more than ever. Like, I was completely fucking numb before I started using opioids extensively.

Please update on the ket. I've tried a small amount before with friends, we all threw up and felt so ill. But we thought it may have been off. I'm looking into K-Holes for a similar reason, so get that experience. I'm not afraid of dying so I think trying it again would be good. Although I plan on taking TCA's with it for a strong sedative affect.

I was told by my now ex and her best friend that it was like being dead but aware, not even self aware just aware. If it's anything like what they've described to me then this will probably help solve my fear issue. I'll probably snort a bit to start off with then IV like 300mg to fully k hole even though I know the dose for a k hole IV is much much less than that especially for someone who's never done it.

I always tell people who say they're considering self-terminating to get clarity. The funny thing about suicide is that it's not entirely emotional. It's being real about life and our places in it. If you're having doubts, those doubts need to be explored. There might be something that you can find that may be a legitimate reason to press forward. I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but being honest with yourself will help you make a sober decision. This puts to rest all of the difficulties with the SI. And this takes time. Getting clarity takes time and honesty. It's imperative that you get real and honest with yourself, so that you can make a much better decision. I wish you clarity and peace on your journey.

There is one thing I want to do before I go, it probably sounds absolutely dumb though. I probably will try it, and it'll probably fail and when it does I'll end up self-terminating in a hotel room in a country I've only been in for a few hours or maybe days depends how long it takes me to find out what I'm going there to find out. But, at this point I'm pretty set on it, It's just I can't figure out how I want to do it, and I feel like when it comes to it I might hesitate even though I don't really think I'm scared of the death part I don't know what it is that would stop me but I feel like something just would, and I don't want there to be any hesitation at all. Honestly, I want to leave a mess, I want people to have to clean me up, but I don't want it to have to be the poor hotel staff, I want it to be my family, or even more I want it to be my ex haha but there's no situation in which that could happen, and as for my family there's a huge chance I won't be anywhere near them when it happens. Also, I really hope this site isn't compromised, I don't need feds knocking at my door over this.

 

[Ｓanctioned Suicide]

Please update on the ket. I've tried a small amount before with friends, we all threw up and felt so ill. But we thought it may have been off. I'm looking into K-Holes for a similar reason, so get that experience. I'm not afraid of dying so I think trying it again would be good. Although I plan on taking TCA's with it for a strong sedative affect.

Reporting back on the ketamine, I'm not sure if I did too little or too much, but I definitely didn't k hole, it was like a almost trippy (but not really at the same time) massive head high, but my body seemed to wanna overheat but not get too hot to a point it was almost annoying like I was doing MDMA or some other stimulant. Didn't give me any massive "realizations" like LSD or Mushrooms would. But, I was watching my father shoot up coke, and it almost didn't seem real, almost like I wasn't myself but I was everyone, and I felt weird like awkward. But sometimes I get awkward around my parents anyways because I never know what people are thinking of me. I always think people think I'm super weird and awkward and so I'll start being super weird and awkward. Like, the first time I ever smoked weed with my mom, we started talking about my brother and I said his name and started to laugh really weirdly, almost an evil laugh, and it made her think I was thinking about killing my brother or something which never crossed my mind, I just wasn't fully used to weed yet so it made me weird is all and I think she still doesn't know that to this day.

Edit: I'm about to take a K hole amount right now, but I'm kind of worried to, because it seems to wanna throw me into opioid withdraw and at this point of the night I won't have any money or any opioids until Monday morning, I had enough to last me until then, but I've been super depressed recently and usually do all my fent right when I get it so I can just knock out and sleep life away for as long as possible.

 

[eashanm]

Have you taken ketamine before? I was a habitual user in my teenage years and it is by far the scariest "popular" recreational drug out there imo.

Not trying to encourage you to overcome fear so you can ctb, but if fear is what you're trying to overcome in general, opiates/opioids I think are the far superior drug when it comes to overcoming nervousness/fear

I might try ketamine. Can you tell me what it's like?

 

[NightshadeDreamer]

Reporting back on the ketamine, I'm not sure if I did too little or too much, but I definitely didn't k hole, it was like a almost trippy (but not really at the same time) massive head high, but my body seemed to wanna overheat but not get too hot to a point it was almost annoying like I was doing MDMA or some other stimulant. Didn't give me any massive "realizations" like LSD or Mushrooms would. But, I was watching my father shoot up coke, and it almost didn't seem real, almost like I wasn't myself but I was everyone, and I felt weird like awkward. But sometimes I get awkward around my parents anyways because I never know what people are thinking of me. I always think people think I'm super weird and awkward and so I'll start being super weird and awkward. Like, the first time I ever smoked weed with my mom, we started talking about my brother and I said his name and started to laugh really weirdly, almost an evil laugh, and it made her think I was thinking about killing my brother or something which never crossed my mind, I just wasn't fully used to weed yet so it made me weird is all and I think she still doesn't know that to this day.

Edit: I'm about to take a K hole amount right now, but I'm kind of worried to, because it seems to wanna throw me into opioid withdraw and at this point of the night I won't have any money or any opioids until Monday morning, I had enough to last me until then, but I've been super depressed recently and usually do all my fent right when I get it so I can just knock out and sleep life away for as long as possible.

Would you say you have a high tolerance to ket? That could affect it. I am thinking of trying a little to see how good it is

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Suicide is so incredibly difficult in our society and that causes so much more pain and suffering when someone wants to leave this world. I hope you can find a way for yourself that suits you. I hope you find peace!

 

[wellworthwit]

I might try ketamine. Can you tell me what it's like?

Sorry for a very late reply but it is confusing, scary and very hard to describe. Incomparable to any other drug. The body high is great but the more you do the more confusing it gets. Not only is a k-hole very often a horrible experience, even getting close to one is very scary imo. Only reason I did a lot of it is because I mixed it with cocaine/mdma and then it turns into something completely different

 

[perfectstorm]

I always tell people who say they're considering self-terminating to get clarity. The funny thing about suicide is that it's not entirely emotional. It's being real about life and our places in it. If you're having doubts, those doubts need to be explored. There might be something that you can find that may be a legitimate reason to press forward. I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but being honest with yourself will help you make a sober decision. This puts to rest all of the difficulties with the SI. And this takes time. Getting clarity takes time and honesty. It's imperative that you get real and honest with yourself, so that you can make a much better decision. I wish you clarity and peace on your journey.

That's how I see it. I am not wanting to die per se, I am in a mess from a crime against me that ruined my life and health, and suicide is a way out among the other ways I am trying to get out of the mess. Each try closes a door and until the only door open is to the bus. Then I will know it is the choice left for me. It has always been a comfort in a way, but seeing each door shut really sucks. I was hoping to get out and not have it be by bus. But it doesnt look good.

 

[Ｓanctioned Suicide]

Sorry for a very late reply but it is confusing, scary and very hard to describe. Incomparable to any other drug. The body high is great but the more you do the more confusing it gets. Not only is a k-hole very often a horrible experience, even getting close to one is very scary imo. Only reason I did a lot of it is because I mixed it with cocaine/mdma and then it turns into something completely different

Yes it is completely indescribable, before you K-Hole it's almost just like being drunk that's about it but K-Hole territory comes with a whole wonky ass situation, I thought I was dead not even dead but fake, I thought everything was a product of my mind for a bit and then I didn't know where I was or what was going on at all, I was completely lost, I wasn't scared though, I was completely emotionless actually maybe a bit annoyed at the insane head high it felt like everything was just going "WWA WAAA WAAA WAAA" like I can't explain it, almost like a sound that isn't a sound at all, honestly it just made me want to ctb that much more.