Venting i really must die

[fatalucia]

i am just facing a dilemma and it really does not matter what i do or feel in this situation. i know it is wrong to want to kill myself but i really don't want to hear anyone say pro-life things to me right now. it just feels reminiscent of my parents pressuring me and making me and my big emotions feel small and weak. i am feeling a lot of things. i wish i would know for sure that killing myself would stop someone's world and time, or that someone would care for me. it sounds awful but lately i can't steer my feelings anywhere else. everything seems like i already killed myself and nothing changed. i mutter cryptic things like "it doesn't matter" because if i poured my emotions it'd be worse consequences and suddenly i am ignorant and selfish. seriously why do some people get a free pass in this world, i can't even afford some serious method that i have no chance of surviving, i have to keep working like a husk until i see an opening ans take it. ugh i' sorry none of this makes sense to the outsider reading this, it's really hard to be so personal with anyone. i really tried to make my life better but this isn't working. i struggle so much and nobody is able to understand, they just spout these choices that only a mentally healthy stable person is able to make. i feel like i am drowning. i will drown no matter what. the dilemma is a no win situation and i'll be in a lower depression either way. but sometimes i wish the third option suicide was not glaring me down every day.

 

[Bunnymmm]

I relate to you in a way, I'm so unstable it's to the point where I am scared to make new friends.

 

[Larysa]

This is so true:

they just spout these choices that only a mentally healthy stable person is able to make.

I don't think it's bad to want to ctb, fatalucia. It's a response to distress and everything else that you describe. We feel what we feel. No judgment for that.

It's clear that so many people on here have had their feelings minimised and dismissed from early childhood, likely from birth. It's only recently that I've realised how deeply damaging this is.

 

[BodaFly]

I feel similarly. Spent a colossal amount of energy pouring my heart out to those close to me and making it clear why and how I want to move forward but it was less than useless to say the least. Several yelling competitions and one hospitalization later I tried to ctb the SN way (though I think I ordered the wrong stuff) but they found my supplies. Been stuck here for years since then in a complete dead end grasping at any reason to stay breathing. Mental health has been in the gutter the whole time, forced to repeat the same cycles of mistakes I was ready to move on from back then. My physical health has been deteriorating as well with lifelong conditions getting about twice as bad as they were. If I had a good method I wouldn't be posting here.
Don't feel bad about considering this option, there are people who will never recognize your struggle even when you lay it out clear as day in front of them and offer a fucking tour. I think empathy is a rarer quality than we think and I say that from experience.
I tried to dig myself out again, I really did and still am to some extent, but something broke. If things don't go exactly my way this time then I'm done. I've dispensed with the guilt of doing the deed, after all, I've done all I can. I'm tired. I know it'll hurt people, I am just having a really hard time caring lately.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring being trapped in that situation, I see wanting to die as a valid way to feel rather than something that is "wrong", there could never be anything wrong about wishing to permanently escape from all the suffering that existing brings. But anyway I wish you the best.