voidreverse1982
New Member
- Jan 17, 2024
- 4
I've been going through passive suicidal ideation ever since I was around 15 years old, and now I'm 20. Before then, I was too young to see all the negative side effects of life. Too distracted with gaming and such stuff. But then I slowly started losing interest in games. First I lost interest in GTA5, which I had been playing since around 2016. Then I lost interest on Terraria. Then minecraft. And then rocket league. And didn't find any new games to have fun with. Only thing remaining was Roblox. And there was one particular Roblox game (which I ain't going to mention to keep my anonymity, because otherwise people would find out who I am, as I am currently the top 1 of that game), which I started playing since late 2021. It is an incredibly repeatitive game, which you have to keep repeating exactly the same actions every 20 seconds. It was so repetitive, that I needed to listen to music, chat on discord, or watch youtube in order to keep myself entertained enough to keep playing that game. And yet, I still kept playing it while multitasking by watching youtube videos and stuff. And, thanks to all this entertainment, only now I have actually lost interest in that game. Realizing just how many thousands of hours I have spent in such an useless thing; grinding simple stats, numbers, in a Roblox game. And now I really don't know what to do with my life. Nearly nothing gives me as much joy as it used to give. And life has only been getting harder and harder the further I get into adulthood. I recently graduated from school and now I began an apprenticeship. And oh boy, the exams are even harder now. And it made me realize just how useless they are; it is exhausting to keep remembering useless information just because of an upcoming exam, just to meaninglessly forget about all of it right after the exam.. when you will pretty much never use that information in your job field nor in your life like, ever.. it all feels so meaningless.. not just exams, but reality itself.. I do believe that everything in life, including earth itself, is absolutely meaningless. We truly don't have any purpose here. Why do we even exist in the first place? We don't have a reason. Contrary to pro-lifers' belief, life clearly offers much more suffering, responsibilities, burdens and pain than any perceived "joy" and "happiness" could ever outweigh. But I do find it weird how those pro-lifers managed to keep living life without ever collapsing, and managed to live life meaninglessly until the day their body literally rotted, dying of old age. I wonder if they truly are insane enough, or if it is me just being pathetic and weak as always, not being able to live life like others easily can. But I don't think I am that weak. I simply think the world is not designed for someone like me. I haven't even choosen to be born in the first place, and I really wish I never existed. Specially since I somehow managed to endure five years of constant suffering. But I don't know how much longer I can hold onto life. I've given it endless amount of chances, yet it keeps disappointing me in every possible way. But I really can't bring myself to have enough courage to end my life. I'd feel a lot of pain at least in the first few seconds in pretty much every method. And my family would be incredibly devastated, because humans, as selfish as they are, only start actually caring about someone once they are gone. But they don't currently, since I'm still with them. And also, no method is 100% guaranteed to cause death, there's always a chance I may survive, and if I do, oh boy, my life would become even worse than it already is. So, I guess I'm just stuck in this body at least until I eventually reach my breaking point, where my insanity will outweigh any fear I may have. Though I don't think that will happen anytime soon, unfortunatelly.
