Venting I predicted that I'd become suicidal at least 2 months in advance. Not sure if that makes me a genius or a moron.

[NaughtyGirl]

I knew I was going to become suicidal before it actually started. I had to write my BA thesis to graduate but my crippling anxiety, lethal perfectionism (I lose motivation to do something unless I feel like I can do it absolutely right), procrastination and possibly many other issues prevented me from achieving that goal. There were two dates and I knew at one point that if I didn't write that shit, I was going to become suicidal. It wasn't even a matter of if. I knew it pretty much as matter of fact.

You'd think that this would motivate the shit out of me but it didn't. I kept doing what I was doing which was playing games, watching movies and anime. That's despite the fact I constantly had the feeling that my life was falling apart right before my eyes. But I wasn't thinking about the suicide just yet. The days were passing and slowly I stopped having panic attacks upon waking up. Those panic attacks were caused by my fear of failing to write my BA thesis. But slowly I stopped caring about it. I stopped caring about anything actually.

Somewhere by the end of September when I realized that both dates had passed I was like "ok, let's stop fooling around and order a rope then" and so I did. I think it took me like 2 days to go from not thinking about suicide at all to start thinking about it every day.

The thing that surprises me the most though is that I predicted falling into this state so much in advance. I didn't know exactly what it was going to be like but I knew it was bound to happen. I find it quite fascinating really. I feel both proud of this prediction and I feel stupid for not acting accordingly. Or perhaps I did act accordingly? Perhaps I didn't really care about living this life to begin with. I had the feeling that I wasn't having fun living for quite some time now and failing to write that BA thesis worked like a perfect catalyst for me.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Wow, can relate over being super stressed out and anxious over an upcoming deadline and procrastinating until it seems like it's too late. I.e. dig yourself a hole you can't get out of.

Is it just the thesis that's giving you so much stress?

 

[NaughtyGirl]

Wow, can relate over being super stressed out and anxious over an upcoming deadline and procrastinating until it seems like it's too late. I.e. dig yourself a hole you can't get out of.

Is it just the thesis that's giving you so much stress?

It used to give me stress but it's no longer the case. It's like I don't really care anymore. In fact, for the last couple of days I felt more calm and relaxed than for the last decade or so. That's because I feel this incarnation of me will soon come to an end. I guess that's what not worrying about the future can feel like.

I think the event I mentioned was just a trigger that pushed me over the edge. Suddenly it dawned on me how boring, unfulfilling and monotonous my life is. No connections, no adventures to talk about, no plans for the future, no education, no practical talents, no relationships, no money, no achievements, no one who depends on me, no perspectives, no motivation and my list of friends is only shrinking. I feel empty and kind of dead already. Everything that I like to do, it's basically a distraction. The last time I was really happy was probably more than a decade ago.

The only time I feel good nowadays is when I immerse myself in a computer game, an anime, a movie or something like that. In fact, my biggest motivation to stay alive is the belief that I may live just long enough to see my dreams come true, a vision of future in which technological singularity makes all our problems and worries go away and in which we can freely do anything that we want. I think may just be decades away from that point. But anyway, if I break like this while being just 25 and living with my parents, how can I hope to fare better when I get older and my health deteriorates or when my parents aren't around anymore? It's like I'm delaying the inevitable basically.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can relate to having an empty existence. I have came to the conclusion over time that my life is simply not worth living and I have no interest in living. At least you feel calm now. I understand it must be a relief knowing it will all be over soon. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[dysthimia_king]

I can relate to having an empty existence. I have came to the conclusion over time that my life is simply not worth living and I have no interest in living. At least you feel calm now. I understand it must be a relief knowing it will all be over soon. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I agree with you on empty existence, I'm glad I don't have to try so hard anymore, I just exist. For me, that is purpose enough...

 

[NaughtyGirl]

I can relate to having an empty existence. I have came to the conclusion over time that my life is simply not worth living and I have no interest in living.

Yep, except for me it was rather sudden. Within days I became just too aware of how little fun I had in life and that it probably won't change for the better. I already wasn't afraid of death and it all just clicked suddenly and here I am.

At least you feel calm now. I understand it must be a relief knowing it will all be over soon.

You say it like it doesn't work the same for you? Is it because you don't think you're that close or is something else the matter. Perhaps I misunderstood.

 

[dysthimia_king]

I knew I was going to become suicidal before it actually started. I had to write my BA thesis to graduate but my crippling anxiety, lethal perfectionism (I lose motivation to do something unless I feel like I can do it absolutely right), procrastination and possibly many other issues prevented me from achieving that goal. There were two dates and I knew at one point that if I didn't write that shit, I was going to become suicidal. It wasn't even a matter of if. I knew it pretty much as matter of fact.

You'd think that this would motivate the shit out of me but it didn't. I kept doing what I was doing which was playing games, watching movies and anime. That's despite the fact I constantly had the feeling that my life was falling apart right before my eyes. But I wasn't thinking about the suicide just yet. The days were passing and slowly I stopped having panic attacks upon waking up. Those panic attacks were caused by my fear of failing to write my BA thesis. But slowly I stopped caring about it. I stopped caring about anything actually.

Somewhere by the end of September when I realized that both dates had passed I was like "ok, let's stop fooling around and order a rope then" and so I did. I think it took me like 2 days to go from not thinking about suicide at all to start thinking about it every day.

The thing that surprises me the most though is that I predicted falling into this state so much in advance. I didn't know exactly what it was going to be like but I knew it was bound to happen. I find it quite fascinating really. I feel both proud of this prediction and I feel stupid for not acting accordingly. Or perhaps I did act accordingly? Perhaps I didn't really care about living this life to begin with. I had the feeling that I wasn't having fun living for quite some time now and failing to write that BA thesis worked like a perfect catalyst for me.

It's called entropy and the only requirement is to do nothing. There is a sense of relief in that for me... I just watch the world decay and being part of it is exciting...

 

[FuneralCry]

You say it like it doesn't work the same for you? Is it because you don't think you're that close or is something else the matter. Perhaps I misunderstood.

I do not think I will leave this world for quite some time as I lack the courage at this moment. I think I would feel calm if there was a guaranteed peaceful exit, but there is also the fear of failing a method. It is difficult to exit this world.