N
NaughtyGirl
Member
- Oct 3, 2021
- 84
I knew I was going to become suicidal before it actually started. I had to write my BA thesis to graduate but my crippling anxiety, lethal perfectionism (I lose motivation to do something unless I feel like I can do it absolutely right), procrastination and possibly many other issues prevented me from achieving that goal. There were two dates and I knew at one point that if I didn't write that shit, I was going to become suicidal. It wasn't even a matter of if. I knew it pretty much as matter of fact.
You'd think that this would motivate the shit out of me but it didn't. I kept doing what I was doing which was playing games, watching movies and anime. That's despite the fact I constantly had the feeling that my life was falling apart right before my eyes. But I wasn't thinking about the suicide just yet. The days were passing and slowly I stopped having panic attacks upon waking up. Those panic attacks were caused by my fear of failing to write my BA thesis. But slowly I stopped caring about it. I stopped caring about anything actually.
Somewhere by the end of September when I realized that both dates had passed I was like "ok, let's stop fooling around and order a rope then" and so I did. I think it took me like 2 days to go from not thinking about suicide at all to start thinking about it every day.
The thing that surprises me the most though is that I predicted falling into this state so much in advance. I didn't know exactly what it was going to be like but I knew it was bound to happen. I find it quite fascinating really. I feel both proud of this prediction and I feel stupid for not acting accordingly. Or perhaps I did act accordingly? Perhaps I didn't really care about living this life to begin with. I had the feeling that I wasn't having fun living for quite some time now and failing to write that BA thesis worked like a perfect catalyst for me.
You'd think that this would motivate the shit out of me but it didn't. I kept doing what I was doing which was playing games, watching movies and anime. That's despite the fact I constantly had the feeling that my life was falling apart right before my eyes. But I wasn't thinking about the suicide just yet. The days were passing and slowly I stopped having panic attacks upon waking up. Those panic attacks were caused by my fear of failing to write my BA thesis. But slowly I stopped caring about it. I stopped caring about anything actually.
Somewhere by the end of September when I realized that both dates had passed I was like "ok, let's stop fooling around and order a rope then" and so I did. I think it took me like 2 days to go from not thinking about suicide at all to start thinking about it every day.
The thing that surprises me the most though is that I predicted falling into this state so much in advance. I didn't know exactly what it was going to be like but I knew it was bound to happen. I find it quite fascinating really. I feel both proud of this prediction and I feel stupid for not acting accordingly. Or perhaps I did act accordingly? Perhaps I didn't really care about living this life to begin with. I had the feeling that I wasn't having fun living for quite some time now and failing to write that BA thesis worked like a perfect catalyst for me.