1nocares
Member
- May 22, 2026
- 8
I would consider this venting, but also a long log of certain memories, pretty much just my life. What i can recall right now at least
Read if you want
Hello. Account got approved yesterday , was my third time making one I think. I've been a lurker for a while. so it is nice to meet you all !!
Don't know why I'm starting off like this but I just need somewhere to let it out.
I don't think i've fully gone through things before, so i'd like to just write. This might be confusing, you don't have to read it. But if you do I wouldn't mind a response.
It's comfortable with likeminded people.
I've never been able to fully understand myself, not sure if anyone can say they have, I guess I assume everyone has their shit together. and although I know that's not the case, I also know There is something wrong up there and I just can't figure it out.
I have serious brain fog and it makes me feel like I'm pretending to be human. I constantly feel like ripping my skin off. I don't act like a normal person and I never have. I refuse to look in the mirror most of the time. My head is clouded in a thick mist and I can't clear it. My head hurts trying to recall things
Even though i make it seem like im an amnesiac
I first found this site like 3 years ago when that guy posted a youtube video about it, was confused on the problem, and liked the idea of this site. But Suicide is taboo, apparently. I don't talk like this to anyone around me, I can't, or I would probably be sent back. Although I should get evaluated again.
I simply can't do anything for myself. In fact I have self-sabotaged my entire miserable existence. I can't do anything to benefit myself. Since I was a child
I just couldn't care for myself. I put too much energy in caring for others around me??? Myabe
But i was big into google university, looking up parentification, all that. but i don't think I can chalk it up to that
My mother has been called a hypochondriac. Not saying she doesn't experience any of the pain she feels, but she has had 13 surgeries. All I'm going to say.
She has severe nerve issues, all my childhood was hearing her groan and cry in pain. I tried to take care of her, and when she got the relief with whatever the fuck she took or smoked, I mean what could I do about it? I had serious attachment issues with her. She would leave the house, go to get groceries or pick up something, and if she were gone longer than she said I would flip my shit. Bawling my eyes out, sitting on the end of the couch looking out the window, screaming and crying spam calling her. What the fuck was wrong with me? I do not know
Maybe this is on her, maybe i just want it to be on her, but I never could brush my hair. Sucked at brushing my teeth. Sucked at showering. Mind you I was a child, not sure what to think. This was elementary to middle school and I really never got better about that. And boy was covid something else, but everyone had some shit, that was fucked
I'm rambling, and i've never been good at putting my thoughts together. Sorry if anyone is actually reading this. There are some things I don't think I can say, even though I know you don't know me. I just think I am disgusting. So disgusting I need to be put out of my misery.
I'm just gonna say it. i Wasn't taught much about being cleanly, you know? I'm a woman. So when a kid is a kid, and already has hygiene issues, you maybe guess where I'm going with this. I don't know, maybe I'm just needlessly shaming myself.
I don't think i was properly educated, maybe that's why I turned out how i am. A memory; when i first got my period I hid it because i was terrified of what they would think. Who's they??? My mom i guess. I don't know what i was afraid of
I would steal my mom's pads and wear them god knows how long. Ew
I don't think k anyone guided me either, but maybe I'm putting the blame on them alone. My mom should not have been a mother, I don't think. Her parents weren't good to her so I don't think she knew how to parent
or Maybe it all just fell apart
She was abused by her (rest in piss) father. She was born deaf, I guess i shouldn't tell th full story but her dad ridiculed her. All you gotta know is he deserved way worse than he got. He should've been tortured but what could i do. He was senile and grew deaf with age. At least he felt the tiniest bit of her pain. fucker. Sorry.
Although She couldn't give up the cigarettes, I guess, while she was pregnant with me. Does that have any repercussions? Parents also probably weren't a very good match, hence the divorce when I was six. I don't have any memories of my parents being together, so thus far i've only got secondhand information, and that's not until recently. Basically nobody tells me shit.
Found out mom used to take us to bars, my dad found out and he was probably pissed. I know they used to argue. They're hard to describe people. My mom surrounds herself with bad people, that's all. And has continued to do so my entire life. they let me pick who i stayed with and since I was a neurotic fucking child I picked my mom. I was a stressed out kid man. She once chased me down in a mall and had me take out 300 dollars to give her. Long story, just never saw that money again. Lol
I'm all over the place. But I'm just gonna continue.
Nothing bad has happened to me
I know there doesn't have to be a reason for depression, sometimes there is no cause. Get it from your parents maybe. I just wanted a reason, even though that wouldn't do shit
I just want to know why i am the way i am.
Why was it so hard for me to brush my hair? The knots just grew and grew. All i did was lay in bed, so no wonder.
I hoodies every single day to hide my hair. Ponytail every day. It was matted, i would wash around the knots on the very special occasion i took a shower
I was an anxious mess every day. I struggled with how people viewed me (still do) but god is it worse when you're trying to hide your entire head. Thing is it's been like that for so long. I've done chops my whole life. It just got worse and worse, and unchecked
I felt ridiculed myself
Every time i heard my name i thought they were talking about me, i grew paranoid (???of what????) in my own home. I'm thinking back on it now as if i were crazy but i just don't understand
It's just so weird to type this out.
My family would get suspicious, ask to see my hair, what I was hiding
All i wore was hoods
I started panicking and got diagnosed with panic disorder and severe social anxiety
I think i grew out of that??? So i don't know if they were right
I did have panic attacks but that was then, years ago
The social anxiety was badddddd.
I kept cutting the knots out so I had random short pieces of hair (lol) until i just got tired of it happening and wanted to buzz it off. I told my dad and he wanted me to talk to the school counselor and you know where they send you if you make the unfortunate mistake of being honest
My highschool career was hell. I couldn't speak to anyone. Physically
My throat would close up if i tried, it was suffocating. My own body fighting against me and my own mind failing me
Mind goes blank, all the usual symptoms that just exacerbated each other
God it was hell and i do not miss it
I don't know if i was bullied
Maybe a little if you could even call it that
You know the stupid shit guys would pull with girls they deemed ugly
"(Blank) over there thinks you're cute" while giggling
Some middle school shit, but still gets to you, you know?
I was ugly
I shouldn't say that about myself but shit, you know it when you see it
Fucked up ass haircut because i had to chop it off, and he took me to some supercuts :((((
And i didn't want to go back to school with matted hair because I think that would make the teasing worse
But i really hated myself
I was at my worst then, and i almost did it
Planned to hang myself on the tree in the backyard
Kind of an evil plan, i can't lie, what was i thinking ??
Whole neighborhood in view
Got evaluated once, whole run of the mill
Depression and anxiety, ok.
Did the inpatient/outpatient school thing. Educated you about coping mechanisms and all that. Put a bunch of kids in a room, all there for the same (kinda) reasons and called it a day. Security guard in the corner. Tim and Quan i miss you. Really great guys
Don't remember anyone else
I struggled with tactile hallucinations
it made me crazy, the bug sensations. At least some of what they taught me helped.
Although man my thought processes were weird. I had some bump on the back of my head and I thought spiders laid eggs in it and it would hatch…etc…????I don't know.what the fuck i was thinking.
So they put me on Zoloft. then nothing else ever and kept me on it. added wellbutrin and propranolol. Then adderall. Do they give that to someone without adhd? I hate and i mean hate the self diagnosing, even when people say they hate self diagnosing. But i am looking for answers, even though im not going to actually do anything with the information.
If anyone read this, thank you. If nobody did, that's fine too. I just wanted to let it out
Read if you want
Hello. Account got approved yesterday , was my third time making one I think. I've been a lurker for a while. so it is nice to meet you all !!
Don't know why I'm starting off like this but I just need somewhere to let it out.
I don't think i've fully gone through things before, so i'd like to just write. This might be confusing, you don't have to read it. But if you do I wouldn't mind a response.
It's comfortable with likeminded people.
I've never been able to fully understand myself, not sure if anyone can say they have, I guess I assume everyone has their shit together. and although I know that's not the case, I also know There is something wrong up there and I just can't figure it out.
I have serious brain fog and it makes me feel like I'm pretending to be human. I constantly feel like ripping my skin off. I don't act like a normal person and I never have. I refuse to look in the mirror most of the time. My head is clouded in a thick mist and I can't clear it. My head hurts trying to recall things
Even though i make it seem like im an amnesiac
I first found this site like 3 years ago when that guy posted a youtube video about it, was confused on the problem, and liked the idea of this site. But Suicide is taboo, apparently. I don't talk like this to anyone around me, I can't, or I would probably be sent back. Although I should get evaluated again.
I simply can't do anything for myself. In fact I have self-sabotaged my entire miserable existence. I can't do anything to benefit myself. Since I was a child
I just couldn't care for myself. I put too much energy in caring for others around me??? Myabe
But i was big into google university, looking up parentification, all that. but i don't think I can chalk it up to that
My mother has been called a hypochondriac. Not saying she doesn't experience any of the pain she feels, but she has had 13 surgeries. All I'm going to say.
She has severe nerve issues, all my childhood was hearing her groan and cry in pain. I tried to take care of her, and when she got the relief with whatever the fuck she took or smoked, I mean what could I do about it? I had serious attachment issues with her. She would leave the house, go to get groceries or pick up something, and if she were gone longer than she said I would flip my shit. Bawling my eyes out, sitting on the end of the couch looking out the window, screaming and crying spam calling her. What the fuck was wrong with me? I do not know
Maybe this is on her, maybe i just want it to be on her, but I never could brush my hair. Sucked at brushing my teeth. Sucked at showering. Mind you I was a child, not sure what to think. This was elementary to middle school and I really never got better about that. And boy was covid something else, but everyone had some shit, that was fucked
I'm rambling, and i've never been good at putting my thoughts together. Sorry if anyone is actually reading this. There are some things I don't think I can say, even though I know you don't know me. I just think I am disgusting. So disgusting I need to be put out of my misery.
I'm just gonna say it. i Wasn't taught much about being cleanly, you know? I'm a woman. So when a kid is a kid, and already has hygiene issues, you maybe guess where I'm going with this. I don't know, maybe I'm just needlessly shaming myself.
I don't think i was properly educated, maybe that's why I turned out how i am. A memory; when i first got my period I hid it because i was terrified of what they would think. Who's they??? My mom i guess. I don't know what i was afraid of
I would steal my mom's pads and wear them god knows how long. Ew
I don't think k anyone guided me either, but maybe I'm putting the blame on them alone. My mom should not have been a mother, I don't think. Her parents weren't good to her so I don't think she knew how to parent
or Maybe it all just fell apart
She was abused by her (rest in piss) father. She was born deaf, I guess i shouldn't tell th full story but her dad ridiculed her. All you gotta know is he deserved way worse than he got. He should've been tortured but what could i do. He was senile and grew deaf with age. At least he felt the tiniest bit of her pain. fucker. Sorry.
Although She couldn't give up the cigarettes, I guess, while she was pregnant with me. Does that have any repercussions? Parents also probably weren't a very good match, hence the divorce when I was six. I don't have any memories of my parents being together, so thus far i've only got secondhand information, and that's not until recently. Basically nobody tells me shit.
Found out mom used to take us to bars, my dad found out and he was probably pissed. I know they used to argue. They're hard to describe people. My mom surrounds herself with bad people, that's all. And has continued to do so my entire life. they let me pick who i stayed with and since I was a neurotic fucking child I picked my mom. I was a stressed out kid man. She once chased me down in a mall and had me take out 300 dollars to give her. Long story, just never saw that money again. Lol
I'm all over the place. But I'm just gonna continue.
Nothing bad has happened to me
I know there doesn't have to be a reason for depression, sometimes there is no cause. Get it from your parents maybe. I just wanted a reason, even though that wouldn't do shit
I just want to know why i am the way i am.
Why was it so hard for me to brush my hair? The knots just grew and grew. All i did was lay in bed, so no wonder.
I hoodies every single day to hide my hair. Ponytail every day. It was matted, i would wash around the knots on the very special occasion i took a shower
I was an anxious mess every day. I struggled with how people viewed me (still do) but god is it worse when you're trying to hide your entire head. Thing is it's been like that for so long. I've done chops my whole life. It just got worse and worse, and unchecked
I felt ridiculed myself
Every time i heard my name i thought they were talking about me, i grew paranoid (???of what????) in my own home. I'm thinking back on it now as if i were crazy but i just don't understand
It's just so weird to type this out.
My family would get suspicious, ask to see my hair, what I was hiding
All i wore was hoods
I started panicking and got diagnosed with panic disorder and severe social anxiety
I think i grew out of that??? So i don't know if they were right
I did have panic attacks but that was then, years ago
The social anxiety was badddddd.
I kept cutting the knots out so I had random short pieces of hair (lol) until i just got tired of it happening and wanted to buzz it off. I told my dad and he wanted me to talk to the school counselor and you know where they send you if you make the unfortunate mistake of being honest
My highschool career was hell. I couldn't speak to anyone. Physically
My throat would close up if i tried, it was suffocating. My own body fighting against me and my own mind failing me
Mind goes blank, all the usual symptoms that just exacerbated each other
God it was hell and i do not miss it
I don't know if i was bullied
Maybe a little if you could even call it that
You know the stupid shit guys would pull with girls they deemed ugly
"(Blank) over there thinks you're cute" while giggling
Some middle school shit, but still gets to you, you know?
I was ugly
I shouldn't say that about myself but shit, you know it when you see it
Fucked up ass haircut because i had to chop it off, and he took me to some supercuts :((((
And i didn't want to go back to school with matted hair because I think that would make the teasing worse
But i really hated myself
I was at my worst then, and i almost did it
Planned to hang myself on the tree in the backyard
Kind of an evil plan, i can't lie, what was i thinking ??
Whole neighborhood in viewGot evaluated once, whole run of the mill
Depression and anxiety, ok.
Did the inpatient/outpatient school thing. Educated you about coping mechanisms and all that. Put a bunch of kids in a room, all there for the same (kinda) reasons and called it a day. Security guard in the corner. Tim and Quan i miss you. Really great guys
Don't remember anyone else
I struggled with tactile hallucinations
it made me crazy, the bug sensations. At least some of what they taught me helped.
Although man my thought processes were weird. I had some bump on the back of my head and I thought spiders laid eggs in it and it would hatch…etc…????I don't know.what the fuck i was thinking.
So they put me on Zoloft. then nothing else ever and kept me on it. added wellbutrin and propranolol. Then adderall. Do they give that to someone without adhd? I hate and i mean hate the self diagnosing, even when people say they hate self diagnosing. But i am looking for answers, even though im not going to actually do anything with the information.
If anyone read this, thank you. If nobody did, that's fine too. I just wanted to let it out
