sonnyw
in the end it doesn't even matter
- Dec 6, 2025
- 29
I've just ordered SN and I've also been notified that the order was sent.
I don't know how to feel. I want to CTB by the end of the year but at the same time I still hold some very little hope that my life could get better someday. I don't wanna die as a loser. Actually I don't wanna die at all, I only want the suffering to end. But every time I told myself that things could get better, they never did. After getting bullied in middle school, I thought I'd actually find friends in high school. After spending all five years of high school in solitude while watching others have fun, I thought university would be different and that I'd finally start living. And once again, that didn't happen. Now I think that maybe things could change when I move out, maybe go abroad... but if my life has always sucked up until now, it's likely that it will keep sucking forever. I believe that my life is a losing game, and there's no point in keeping playing.
Even when I was a kid I was miserable... in the kindergarten I was always crying when others were having fun, and there isn't a single childhood picture of me in which I'm smiling. I think there's something deeply wrong in me. I feel like I don't belong to this world, like if I were an unwanted guest at someone else's house, and I wish I could be like the other people.
Despite this, I'm still young (21 in a few days), so maybe things could get better someday and I will start to enjoy living for the first time. But will they? It's very unlikely, and I'm tired of waiting. I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me see what my life will be like in the future.
My birthday is in a few days, followed by Christmas and New Year's. I really don't want to spend my birthday or the holidays alone. I especially don't want to hear about other people's plans for New Year's or their family gatherings, considering my own family hates me.
I'm tired of all of this and I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel. I want to CTB by the end of the year but at the same time I still hold some very little hope that my life could get better someday. I don't wanna die as a loser. Actually I don't wanna die at all, I only want the suffering to end. But every time I told myself that things could get better, they never did. After getting bullied in middle school, I thought I'd actually find friends in high school. After spending all five years of high school in solitude while watching others have fun, I thought university would be different and that I'd finally start living. And once again, that didn't happen. Now I think that maybe things could change when I move out, maybe go abroad... but if my life has always sucked up until now, it's likely that it will keep sucking forever. I believe that my life is a losing game, and there's no point in keeping playing.
Even when I was a kid I was miserable... in the kindergarten I was always crying when others were having fun, and there isn't a single childhood picture of me in which I'm smiling. I think there's something deeply wrong in me. I feel like I don't belong to this world, like if I were an unwanted guest at someone else's house, and I wish I could be like the other people.
Despite this, I'm still young (21 in a few days), so maybe things could get better someday and I will start to enjoy living for the first time. But will they? It's very unlikely, and I'm tired of waiting. I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me see what my life will be like in the future.
My birthday is in a few days, followed by Christmas and New Year's. I really don't want to spend my birthday or the holidays alone. I especially don't want to hear about other people's plans for New Year's or their family gatherings, considering my own family hates me.
I'm tired of all of this and I don't know what to do.
