Promortalistic4Life
Efilist
- May 29, 2020
- 47
I was so glad to be able to ctb soon using a method I'm fairly fine with (SN) but as usual, life had to put another obstacle in front of me: My mom (and my grandma). She knows that I'm suicidal, and I often tell her that I can't take this any more and than she cries. Today she also cried bc she's so worried about me and due to the pain she experiences from migraine so it was just so unbearable and intense for her. I felt so fucking sorry for her. Like, shit man, I gotta put my shit together, I can't leave her. And this infuriates me so fucking much. Bc I have no interest in being alive, I don't want to suffer anymore but it seems like life doesn't let me fucking out. It wants to keep me burning here like the rest of the catch.
And this made me realize what a privilege suicide really can be. Being able to take your life without any moral obligations or what not. Having no one in life who cares about you so intensely, and therefore having no one in life you'd hurt so intensely.
The thing is, I never gave my consent to be alive. I was forced into this existence, like all of us, and now I'm supposed to even fucking stay here?!
I don't believe in an afterlife. I believe that being dead is like being asleep. Just sweet, peaceful unconciousness. For all eternity. That used to terrify me, but than I realized that it's irrational to be terrified of it. You weren't terrified to not exist before you were born now weren't you? +, with death, all of your desires including the desire to experience life will dissolve. So, yeah, I basically believe death is the most awesome thing in existence (pun intended) and life is literally pointless suffering. But ironically, I'm not allowed to DIE!!! So many people ctb, being terrified of death and wishing to remain alive and than there are people like me who wanna get out of here asap and yet they can't bc of some obligation of whatever. Throughout the day, I fantasize about the dead, the unborn and basically about all these non-existent souls A LOT. So many mofos in peace right now, in fact we are talking about an infinite amount here as the combination of traits and potential animals (and people) reaches to infinity. And yet, we have to be one of those mofos being alive. Isn't that great? Sleep is truly the highlight of every single fucking day. No possible pleasure can compete with it imo.
I'm honestly barely anxious about ctb-ing at this point. To me taking that SN drink would be like going to bed with a headache and feeling sick and than eventually falling asleep without ever having to wake up again. I'm trembling to have to remain alive.
My previous plan was hanging myself in the woods, at night, in the dark. Now that, that shit was TERRIFYING to me. So unbelievably happy I found SN.
And this made me realize what a privilege suicide really can be. Being able to take your life without any moral obligations or what not. Having no one in life who cares about you so intensely, and therefore having no one in life you'd hurt so intensely.
The thing is, I never gave my consent to be alive. I was forced into this existence, like all of us, and now I'm supposed to even fucking stay here?!
I don't believe in an afterlife. I believe that being dead is like being asleep. Just sweet, peaceful unconciousness. For all eternity. That used to terrify me, but than I realized that it's irrational to be terrified of it. You weren't terrified to not exist before you were born now weren't you? +, with death, all of your desires including the desire to experience life will dissolve. So, yeah, I basically believe death is the most awesome thing in existence (pun intended) and life is literally pointless suffering. But ironically, I'm not allowed to DIE!!! So many people ctb, being terrified of death and wishing to remain alive and than there are people like me who wanna get out of here asap and yet they can't bc of some obligation of whatever. Throughout the day, I fantasize about the dead, the unborn and basically about all these non-existent souls A LOT. So many mofos in peace right now, in fact we are talking about an infinite amount here as the combination of traits and potential animals (and people) reaches to infinity. And yet, we have to be one of those mofos being alive. Isn't that great? Sleep is truly the highlight of every single fucking day. No possible pleasure can compete with it imo.
I'm honestly barely anxious about ctb-ing at this point. To me taking that SN drink would be like going to bed with a headache and feeling sick and than eventually falling asleep without ever having to wake up again. I'm trembling to have to remain alive.
My previous plan was hanging myself in the woods, at night, in the dark. Now that, that shit was TERRIFYING to me. So unbelievably happy I found SN.
