L
lprip
New Member
- Jan 24, 2023
- 4
Here is my life at bullet points:
- 25 years old
- Programmer, makes a great salary and money is never a problem, and I generally like it
- Went back to live with my parents after a mental health crisis, then the pandemic happened and I never left
- Parents are loving and supportive, and basically do everything for me like I'm a fucking child (cooking, cleaning, etc)
- Working from home
- In some crazy cosmic coincidence I have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and understands me. She is genuienly the best part of my life, and sticks with me through everything
- Was a gifted child, never had many friends, skipped a grade, afterwards was severly bullied and never really managed to connect with people in school
- Don't have any close friends outside of my girlfriend
- Diagnosed with Depression at age 16, but depressed since I remember myself.
- Recently diagnosed with ADHD
- Have severe executive discussion - can't follow anything through, can't create, have hard time completing projects, organizing stuff, etc
- Was treated in every way possible:
- Tons of different pills
- Years of therapy with whomever
- ECT (yes they shocked my brain and it fucked my memory)
- Experimental Ketamine treatment
- Nothing affected my mood, will or self hatred
- Feel constantly guilty that I got everything in life but am just wasting it
- See how my time ticks by and everything slowly gets worse
- Can't connect with people
- Every simple task takes so much from me
- Recently my therapist retired and I haven't been able to find a new one
- Before that I was already stagnated
- Feel useless and a burden
- Gained a lot of weight since the pandemic, I now weigh 100kg
- Realized I can't go to the gym, started getting a personal trainer
- Despite that, and trying to eat healthier, I still can't lose weight or feel better about my body
- Really can't stand myself. Feel I'm so far behind on developing as a person than anyone.
- My only "hobby" is killing time by playing video games with some sort of youtube video in the background. It makes my brain numb.
- I used to be able to read books, now it's too hard.
My girlfriend really tries to help me but she has got nothing.
My therapist and psychiatrists say it would get better with age, but after like 4 years of serious therapy I don't believe them.
Can't stand the guilt, the self hatered, the emptiness of my life, the loneliness.
It seems to me that there is just nothing more for me.
I tried so many stuff and that's just it.
Maybe something alleviate symptoms, but nothing will make my brain not what it is.
Nothing will make me be the kind of person I want.
There isn't a point in my life that I can think of, that given the option to die instantly I wouldn't take it.
Ironically, the same dysfunction that keeps me stagnate, also doesn't let me to plan my death.
Honestly, I just want someone to give it to me straight once.
No mincing words, no stupid life philosophies.
Just agree with me that
That's it, that's my brain, that's my life, and I can either keep it or not.
And I choose not.
I don't think there is anything for me I haven't tried yet.
And if I don't want to live when I have so much, surely I won't want to when I lose everything.
So to me, the only way I see is to CTB.
Please let me know what do you think, if there's something else I can do, and if not how can I CTB in my condition.
Thanks.
- 25 years old
- Programmer, makes a great salary and money is never a problem, and I generally like it
- Went back to live with my parents after a mental health crisis, then the pandemic happened and I never left
- Parents are loving and supportive, and basically do everything for me like I'm a fucking child (cooking, cleaning, etc)
- Working from home
- In some crazy cosmic coincidence I have a girlfriend who I love and loves me and understands me. She is genuienly the best part of my life, and sticks with me through everything
- Was a gifted child, never had many friends, skipped a grade, afterwards was severly bullied and never really managed to connect with people in school
- Don't have any close friends outside of my girlfriend
- Diagnosed with Depression at age 16, but depressed since I remember myself.
- Recently diagnosed with ADHD
- Have severe executive discussion - can't follow anything through, can't create, have hard time completing projects, organizing stuff, etc
- Was treated in every way possible:
- Tons of different pills
- Years of therapy with whomever
- ECT (yes they shocked my brain and it fucked my memory)
- Experimental Ketamine treatment
- Nothing affected my mood, will or self hatred
- Feel constantly guilty that I got everything in life but am just wasting it
- See how my time ticks by and everything slowly gets worse
- Can't connect with people
- Every simple task takes so much from me
- Recently my therapist retired and I haven't been able to find a new one
- Before that I was already stagnated
- Feel useless and a burden
- Gained a lot of weight since the pandemic, I now weigh 100kg
- Realized I can't go to the gym, started getting a personal trainer
- Despite that, and trying to eat healthier, I still can't lose weight or feel better about my body
- Really can't stand myself. Feel I'm so far behind on developing as a person than anyone.
- My only "hobby" is killing time by playing video games with some sort of youtube video in the background. It makes my brain numb.
- I used to be able to read books, now it's too hard.
My girlfriend really tries to help me but she has got nothing.
My therapist and psychiatrists say it would get better with age, but after like 4 years of serious therapy I don't believe them.
Can't stand the guilt, the self hatered, the emptiness of my life, the loneliness.
It seems to me that there is just nothing more for me.
I tried so many stuff and that's just it.
Maybe something alleviate symptoms, but nothing will make my brain not what it is.
Nothing will make me be the kind of person I want.
There isn't a point in my life that I can think of, that given the option to die instantly I wouldn't take it.
Ironically, the same dysfunction that keeps me stagnate, also doesn't let me to plan my death.
Honestly, I just want someone to give it to me straight once.
No mincing words, no stupid life philosophies.
Just agree with me that
That's it, that's my brain, that's my life, and I can either keep it or not.
And I choose not.
I don't think there is anything for me I haven't tried yet.
And if I don't want to live when I have so much, surely I won't want to when I lose everything.
So to me, the only way I see is to CTB.
Please let me know what do you think, if there's something else I can do, and if not how can I CTB in my condition.
Thanks.