I need help.

[Darrenloses]

I'm emotionally abusive and can't stop it. I say horrible scarring things to girlfriends, family and friends. My last ex gf was subject to my abuse, at the time I'm not thinking straight and say the most disgusting demented things any human could say to another. It was mostly about her appearance and hygiene and it wasn't isolated instances, I'd constantly do it and she clung on because she loved me.

I broke up with her in December and she blocked me to forget me. Fast forward to yesterday and somewhere out of impulse I decided to drive 250miles(400km) to her house to try and make mends, but to discover on arrival she has moved on and slept with 3 guys she said. She was barely sexually active before she met me, I changed her for the worse and she looked so empty and soulless because of the emotional abuse I gave her.

We spoke in my car for 30 mins and I was crying, she feels absolutely nothing for me or anyone anymore because of my actions. I don't understand how I can go from not caring about her to begging her for forgiveness and to take me back. I don't go out fishing for women I'm 31 years old and can count on one hand how many I've slept with.

I realize I'm a piece of shit and a disgusting human being. I have constant intrusive thoughts of what these people are now going through because of me.

There is no excuse for my behaviour other than I had a terrible upbringing, mum died when I was 12 and my dad was an abusive drunk.

I need counselling, I've thought of the BetterHelp app has anyone tried that?

 

[SuicideTrooper]

It is good that you are aware that you've hurt the people you cared about. I think that is the first step in getting help, acknowledging you did that. The second step is realising why you where like that, the third step would be to get help and come to terms with the past.
I have heard of better help, but I have no experience with the app. So I cannot help you with that. I think realising this is good and don't think of yourself as a piece of shit.

 

[Its time its time]

Good that you realise your issue. Some people don't even realize their issues in the first place.

So now it's to work towards tackling your issue especially when you get triggered. I can give you the most simple advise. Whenever you get triggered - SHUT UP. Don't open your mouth. Take 2 steps back, think through your situation. And only when you're emotionally calmed down, then open your mouth. Because like you've learnt, words can have a lasting effect - and it's hard to take back what you say in the spite of the moment.

Give your ex time. You've broken her cup. You can't just expect her to suoerglue back the cup together and be back to normal immediately. Even once she pieces the cup together, the cracks will still show. It will never be the same.

You fucked up. Now, you've got to do extra hard to get her back. And the only way is to give it time. Only time and efforts from you, will eventually make a difference.

Good luck.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

Being aware of your shitiness is huge, fair play to owning it. Leave your ex to get on with her life, harm has been done but you're already learning from it. If you can get support to talk about your childhood it may help you understand your hurt now, it's that pain that drives us to lash out to those we love.
Learning to stop and shut up before you speak will help limit damage till you can lessen the urge. You're still young at 31, deal with this shit now then look for love again. Your self awareness will make you a good partner in time.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Back when I was more wired up, and especially when I was on my demon pills, I could say and do some harmful things. My worst behaviour is too edgy to even mention. I don't believe in any kind of "help", but it can't hurt to try something out (exception: pills). Sry about the girl, that story definitely sounds like a guilt-generator. Look into hard determinism (or at least stoicism), it's one of my favourite copes when it comes to handling the past (and even future).

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

@Darrenloses

Leave her alone. Never call or contact her in any way again. The damage you have done will be with her the rest of her life and she may even be a member here, wanting to kill herself because of you.

Why did you go? That was just more crap to pour on her. Going there was just another form of your abuse. I know this because I was abused like that, emotionally and physically. Two years of therapy did nothing. I moved 1200 miles away. It affected me and both of my daughters. And even now, it affects me in very negative ways. And that was THIRTY FIVE YEARS AGO!

 

[Darrenloses]

@Darrenloses

Leave her alone. Never call or contact her in any way again. The damage you have done will be with her the rest of her life and she may even be a member here, wanting to kill herself because of you.

Why did you go? That was just more crap to pour on her. Going there was just another form of your abuse. I know this because I was abused like that, emotionally and physically. Two years of therapy did nothing. I moved 1200 miles away. It affected me and both of my daughters. And even now, it affects me in very negative ways. And that was THIRTY FIVE YEARS AGO!

I hear what you're saying, I can't answer without knowing what's wrong in my head. My first therapy session is at noon tomorrow to understand what's going on...

 

[usernameforhere]

Hey, I'm sorry you had this experience. Really good on you for realizing the impact you've had on other people and how It caused pain to you and her.

really impressive to move forward. I know people who do these things, they struggle with it when they see the trouble it causes them... and it always does. Our subconscious behavior causes a lot of us trouble in different ways.

if you can manage this, if you can install some stops to slow down, not react out of anger or fear or wherever that comes from you stop being Beholden to your old story, start writing a new one and and move from determinism to free will. That's a rare place most people don't get to and you have a chance to get to having agency.

thank you for sharing your story and I hope it leads you to a good place.

 

[summers]

I broke up with her in December and she blocked me to forget me. Fast forward to yesterday and somewhere out of impulse I decided to drive 250miles(400km) to her house to try and make mends, but to discover on arrival she has moved on and slept with 3 guys she said. She was barely sexually active before she met me, I changed her for the worse and she looked so empty and soulless because of the emotional abuse I gave her.

People change. There's nothing wrong with her hooking up with a few dudes after the shit you put her through. Maybe she just wanted to feel attractive and needed that human/physical connection. You realize she could have easily hooked up with 20 guys in three months.

 

[LittleJem]

Might be a silly suggestion, but I used to punch pillows/shout at them to clear some of my anger. There are also interesting gestalt therapy techniques e.g. where you pretend a chair or cushion is another part of yourself or a family member.

Did it help? I don't feel angry anymore, just more numb! Like maybe you could shout things at the cushion? If you also try meditation just afterwards, that could be a practice for calming your mind and taking back some of your own power to choose your responses and actions.

It sounds to me that you must have (naturally) both anger and grief from all the trauma you have experienced. ...and if there are safe places to feel/express them where you can be supported then hopefully that will help.

I know the shame of treating someone badly - I shouted a lot at my ex-husband and said things to him which were destructive and badly phrased. I didn't realise the harm I was doing.

In more recent relationshipsI haven't behaved like that. My marriage was mutually difficult.

You might also behave differently with someone else, or maybe stick to more casual things while you work on healing yourself.
It sounds like your ex needs to and has moved on and in time hopefully you will do the same. She needs to move on so she can heal.

My ex husband told me he was traumatised by our relationship and would not want to get back together. It took me a while to understand how much I hurt him, because I was so unwell and not thinking straight, but now I agree that is what he needs. Loving him is letting him go.

It sucks to have such an unstable mind and what it does to relationships. I find myself all over the place, e.g. missing people I shouldn't, How can we take some rational control when our minds are all over the place. I have to tell myself that my mind often lies to me (which it does) and to try and overrule it.

You visiting your ex sounds like a kind of closure and also a step towards you feeling better and healthier in relationships in future.
@Darrenloses I find I feel less shame and misery about this history and also feel more calm around others when I have something (anything) that helps calm me. I don't have a working medication, but I am cycling a lot of different things at the moment. When my mood is low, the shame realy comes up and hits me, but if anything is helping my mood, then I feel I can start again.

I hope you feel the support here from us and also the strength in yourself to recognise all of this and see you can start again.

 

[Darrenloses]

Might be a silly suggestion, but I used to punch pillows/shout at them to clear some of my anger. There are also interesting gestalt therapy techniques e.g. where you pretend a chair or cushion is another part of yourself or a family member.

Did it help? I don't feel angry anymore, just more numb! Like maybe you could shout things at the cushion? If you also try meditation just afterwards, that could be a practice for calming your mind and taking back some of your own power to choose your responses and actions.

It sounds to me that you must have (naturally) both anger and grief from all the trauma you have experienced. ...and if there are safe places to feel/express them where you can be supported then hopefully that will help.

I know the shame of treating someone badly - I shouted a lot at my ex-husband and said things to him which were destructive and badly phrased. I didn't realise the harm I was doing.

In more recent relationshipsI haven't behaved like that. My marriage was mutually difficult.

You might also behave differently with someone else, or maybe stick to more casual things while you work on healing yourself.
It sounds like your ex needs to and has moved on and in time hopefully you will do the same. She needs to move on so she can heal.

My ex husband told me he was traumatised by our relationship and would not want to get back together. It took me a while to understand how much I hurt him, because I was so unwell and not thinking straight, but now I agree that is what he needs. Loving him is letting him go.

It sucks to have such an unstable mind and what it does to relationships. I find myself all over the place, e.g. missing people I shouldn't, How can we take some rational control when our minds are all over the place. I have to tell myself that my mind often lies to me (which it does) and to try and overrule it.

You visiting your ex sounds like a kind of closure and also a step towards you feeling better and healthier in relationships in future.
@Darrenloses I find I feel less shame and misery about this history and also feel more calm around others when I have something (anything) that helps calm me. I don't have a working medication, but I am cycling a lot of different things at the moment. When my mood is low, the shame realy comes up and hits me, but if anything is helping my mood, then I feel I can start again.

I hope you feel the support here from us and also the strength in yourself to recognise all of this and see you can start again.

Thanks Jem, I sort of do what you do but my methods only make it worse, I'll re-enact arguments or discussions that occurred with family members years ago. I do this on my own obviously and have no idea why. Or if I get intrusive thoughts I'll randomly shout or make a twitch to block out the memory.. I wish they'd go away on their own..

I had my first introductory therapy session today. The lady was very nice and listened to everything so I'm looking forward to the next session..