Help I need help

[sellfish]

Hi everyone.
I have completely given up on my life. I am 20 years old and have had an eating disorder for 7 years. All I do everyday is eat large amounts of food and then throw up. I do this a couple of times a day. I go to school but I am failing everything because I just can't focus or understand anything I have to learn. I have absolutely no friends, 0 friends and I have lost the ability to make any new ones. I used to have a few friends but I have lost them along the way because I am a terrible human being and I slowly lost everyone that cared about me. I have no one to talk to and for a year I have been completely alone with just my parents that are extremely overbearing and I can't handle being alive anymore. I go to university in another country while my parents live at home. I planned a trip to see my mum one last time before I do it but I feel so terrible I can't wait anymore. Would it be better if she spend a few days with me before I go or would that make it worse?
I am really scared of dying but I am in so much pain its all I can think about all day everyday, I just replay the same scenario in my head, how I would be found, how I would ruin my parents life, how I can't bear to live anymore and I can't just do it for them. I have no future, I consider myself already dead, I have no contact with other humans besides my parents and all that I have been able to do is

 

[Oyoy]

Hi everyone.
I have completely given up on my life. I am 20 years old and have had an eating disorder for 7 years. All I do everyday is eat large amounts of food and then throw up. I do this a couple of times a day. I go to school but I am failing everything because I just can't focus or understand anything I have to learn. I have absolutely no friends, 0 friends and I have lost the ability to make any new ones. I used to have a few friends but I have lost them along the way because I am a terrible human being and I slowly lost everyone that cared about me. I have no one to talk to and for a year I have been completely alone with just my parents that are extremely overbearing and I can't handle being alive anymore. I go to university in another country while my parents live at home. I planned a trip to see my mum one last time before I do it but I feel so terrible I can't wait anymore. Would it be better if she spend a few days with me before I go or would that make it worse?
I am really scared of dying but I am in so much pain its all I can think about all day everyday, I just replay the same scenario in my head, how I would be found, how I would ruin my parents life, how I can't bear to live anymore and I can't just do it for them. I have no future, I consider myself already dead, I have no contact with other humans besides my parents and all that I have been able to do is

I can totally relate. You are so needed. Thank you for sharing
I think you will feel so much better the farther you get away from your parents. Please give yourself time to see what your like once you get away. I know what it's like to be your own worst enemy. Keep moving forward for the people who don't. Walk off the pain. That's what I need to do too! Thanks for your post.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Do you live with your parents or at university? I found university very liberating. I had huge difficulty meeting people and making friends at that age, but I kind of got there eventually, it just took time (and beer, though I don't recommend you do that). I don't know much about eating disorders I'm afraid, but it sounds like it may be a symptom of a deeper insecurity. It might be that talking to someone could help you. Have you tried to get help through the university medical service? They might be able to give you a fresh perspective and point you in the right direction for support. Often friendship can come naturally with people with whom you share something difficult to deal with.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry for all your suffering that you've gone through. I don't think it would make it worse if you spent time with your Mom.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Hi everyone.
I have completely given up on my life. I am 20 years old and have had an eating disorder for 7 years. All I do everyday is eat large amounts of food and then throw up. I do this a couple of times a day. I go to school but I am failing everything because I just can't focus or understand anything I have to learn. I have absolutely no friends, 0 friends and I have lost the ability to make any new ones. I used to have a few friends but I have lost them along the way because I am a terrible human being and I slowly lost everyone that cared about me. I have no one to talk to and for a year I have been completely alone with just my parents that are extremely overbearing and I can't handle being alive anymore. I go to university in another country while my parents live at home. I planned a trip to see my mum one last time before I do it but I feel so terrible I can't wait anymore. Would it be better if she spend a few days with me before I go or would that make it worse?
I am really scared of dying but I am in so much pain its all I can think about all day everyday, I just replay the same scenario in my head, how I would be found, how I would ruin my parents life, how I can't bear to live anymore and I can't just do it for them. I have no future, I consider myself already dead, I have no contact with other humans besides my parents and all that I have been able to do is

I can see how much you are suffering and your anxiety, but I do know one thing and that you are NOT a terrible human being ok, remember that. You are suffering and dont deserve to be, anymore than any of us here. You have made a big positive and brave step by joining and letting us know what is going on. Continue to do so and there will be some weight lifted off your shoulders and worries off your chest. It wont change your problems or situation overnight but will give you space and a sounding board. I used to think I was a bad person and hated myself when a lot younger, but I was proven wrong. I was just screwed up from all the nasty things and people who had hurt me. There is a big difference.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have overbearing parents. The result was that I thought a lot more about their concerns and feelings than my own. You cannot control your mother's feelings, or set up a situation to make her feel something. What you can control is you. If you go visit her, you give her more opportunity to be overbearing as you will be in her domain. I would think it is better for you to maintain as much distance as possible from her. It seems that you love her and want to protect her, while she loves controlling you and wants to protect her ability to control you.