I need help running away?

[yellowraincoat225]

Idk if this counts as "offtopic" but my only other option besides ctb is running away.

I can probably(?) very easily buy a car off facebook marketplace, drop out of college, and run off to explore the states. The idea of "vanlife" is the only thing keeping me alive, it's my last sliver of hope.

Finding a remote job won't be easy but not impossible, but I could also work an in person job on a farm or do house-sitting.

There's just some major problems; I need to drop out of college, I need a driver's license (I just need to learn parallel parking but my parents won't teach me), I need to replace my personal documents (my parents have mine in their safe and I can't steal them), I need a new phone and bank account.

I don't know if I'll even like the lifestyle, or if it's sustainable, so I'll probably ctb regardless, but I at least want to live and experience true freedom before I go. I can't die in my dorm room, but I don't want to die in a cold empty room that my mom never even let me decorate, never having truly lived, I just can't accept that.

It seems easy in theory, but there's just so many technical hurdles that I don't know how to get past. If anyone has any insight or knowledge they could share with me, I would appreciate your help!!

 

[Forever Sleep]

Would your parents be absolutely against the idea if they realised how bad things were for you and how this is the only thing giving you any hope?

I imagine you could achieve your van life dream if you were determined enough to do it but- if you just went missing, wouldn't your parents call the police? Or, would you be calling them still, keeping up the charade that you were still at college? I'd imagine they would find out at some stage though. I would have thought it would be better if they knew. Is there the option of taking time out at college?

 

[yellowraincoat225]

Would your parents be absolutely against the idea if they realised how bad things were for you and how this is the only thing giving you any hope?

I imagine you could achieve your van life dream if you were determined enough to do it but- if you just went missing, wouldn't your parents call the police? Or, would you be calling them still, keeping up the charade that you were still at college? I'd imagine they would find out at some stage though. I would have thought it would be better if they knew. Is there the option of taking time out at college?

Thank you, but there's no chance I can convince them, if it's any context, they're your typical asian american immigrants. No way in hell they'd let me drop out or even just take a semester off to play at being "homeless".

I can't get through to my mom, and I mean it's my fault that I've been lying to them about my grades and how bad I'm doing mentally, but at this point I don't think they deserve to know. There have been so many signs that I've had problems with schoolwork and mental health issues, starting in elementary school but they knew since middle school, and they have never taken me seriously.

I tried to overdose in highschool, obviously it failed because it was just otc medication, but when I got back from the hospital they didn't even hide their pills. My mom constantly brings up how traumatized and embarrassed she was when the police and ambulance showed up, but never about the fact that I tried to kill myself.

I'm not going to leave without a word though, I'll write them a letter. I think they'd rather hear I've run away and am "living my best life" than to find me dead in my room, suicide note in my hand. Better for me, better for everyone.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you, but there's no chance I can convince them, if it's any context, they're your typical asian american immigrants. No way in hell they'd let me drop out or even just take a semester off to play at being "homeless".

I can't get through to my mom, and I mean it's my fault that I've been lying to them about my grades and how bad I'm doing mentally, but at this point I don't think they deserve to know. There have been so many signs that I've had problems with schoolwork and mental health issues, starting in elementary school but they knew since middle school, and they have never taken me seriously.

I tried to overdose in highschool, obviously it failed because it was just otc medication, but when I got back from the hospital they didn't even hide their pills. My mom constantly brings up how traumatized and embarrassed she was when the police and ambulance showed up, but never about the fact that I tried to kill myself.

I'm not going to leave without a word though, I'll write them a letter. I think they'd rather hear I've run away and am "living my best life" than to find me dead in my room, suicide note in my hand. Better for me, better for everyone.

I agree. I think it's worth you trying to pursue your dreams. I'm so sorry your parents aren't supportive. Sounds like they're going to learn the consequences the hard way but, given your history, I don't blame you. I hope this trip turns things around for you. It sounds very exciting.

 

[Whale_bones]

I think it's very courageous to try out something that gives you the possibility of a bearable life. I grew up with harmful parents myself, and I always want young people to atleast be able to experience life away from harmful or controlling parents before they're set on CTB.

Getting your documents is an important first step. Can you think of an excuse that your parents would believe, like that you need your birth certificate to apply for something? I think the specifics will depend on your state and your situation, but there's lots of potential options, like something for college or saying you want to apply for a technical program after college, or something health-related if your parents won't dig too far into that. Anything that your parents would plausibly believe, really.

In most states, adults only need their birth certificate to get new copies of other documents. So you can get an ID and whatever else you need, including a copy of the birth certificate, while you're borrowing it and then return the birth certificate to your parents, with them none the wiser that you now have a full set of documents that will allow you to travel to a different state and do the other things you need to.

As for learning to drive, there's drivers ed courses for adults if you have the money. If not, a friend is your best bet. I was never able to get my license, but I came close by reading driver's ed and driving rules material for my state, which were available free online, and combining that with a couple adult driver's ed sessions and practical driving experience from friends. It sounds like you're well on your way though, since you mention mainly needing to learn parallel parking, so you're very close already!

I'd recommending visiting van life forums and learning as much as you can from other young people already living the life, both for practical tips and for safety tips. As someone in my mid-30s, I've learned that I can avoid a whole lot of misfortune by getting the wisdom of people who have already lived through something, and combining that with my own personal situation. I think forums for van life people have a higher likelihood of helping you with the technical aspects of starting out too; there's probably a lot of people who escaped abusive situations or left controlling parents.

Just, of course, leave out the CTB considerations on those forums, you can come to SS and vent to us about your honest thoughts on that I'm sending you a whole bunch of good luck!

 

[yellowraincoat225]

Getting your documents is an important first step...

Thank you! You were so thorough with your reply, I'm grateful

I'm sure I could maybe convince them for my passport and maybe some tax forms from my job; but there's no chance for the birth certificate since I've never asked for it, nor have I ever seen it before, and it would look super suspicious. I could try the "I'm just curious" route but they're very serious about security... Maybe it's worth mentioning I wasn't born in the US, and I was also adopted, a double whammy of a difficulty I do remember my ssn, and I already have pictures of my passport on my phone, is that enough? I think I'll ask people on r/legaladvice since I don't want to burden y'all with legal questions.

As for driving, a guy I'm seeing has offered to give me lessens, so that's a gift :)

And for the past 4 years of my life I have been doing nothing but consuming van life content, I'm even in facebook groups loll, and nothing has discouraged me from it so far!

All I really need is the courage to make my move, even if it means losing my parents, especially my dad. He was always good to me, he was the reason I could have a relatively normal childhood, even if he didn't really understand me. But I'm so used to just taking the abuse and the stress with nothing in my life ever changing, and I feel like I'm rotting away, like I'm already dead, I have to escape

 

[Whale_bones]

Thank you! You were so thorough with your reply, I'm grateful

I'm sure I could maybe convince them for my passport and maybe some tax forms from my job; but there's no chance for the birth certificate since I've never asked for it, nor have I ever seen it before, and it would look super suspicious. I could try the "I'm just curious" route but they're very serious about security... Maybe it's worth mentioning I wasn't born in the US, and I was also adopted, a double whammy of a difficulty I do remember my ssn, and I already have pictures of my passport on my phone, is that enough?

You're very welcome, if I can provide any help, I'm happy too! When I've needed to get documents, I had to go to places like city hall or other government buildings, and they had a list of "A" documents and "B" documents. "A" documents are things like a birth certificate, where if you have that one single document, that's all you need, you're good to go and you can request copies and other forms of ID based on that.

But if you can't access an "A" document, then you move on to the "B" list, which are things like other forms of ID that are less official than a birth certificate, but still help establish your identity. You need more than one document if it's on the "B" list, but they provide that option for people who don't have access to documents on the "A" list for any reason.

A picture usually isn't accepted as official proof, but the passport itself is very official and if I'm remembering correctly, it was an "A" document when I went, so you'd be doing great if you got that! Even if you can't get that or your birth certificate, there's a good chance you could make it work by having a couple documents from the "B" list. The details will depend on your state and county, I got started by looking at my county's official website.

However, I have to admit I have no idea how you being adopted or being born outside the U.S. will affect this, so I don't want to say for sure it's possible for you. I do know when I was getting documents there was a lot of information for people who had immigrated to the U.S., with lists of what alternative forms they could use as proof if they didn't have the standard ones. I just didn't look into it more since it didn't apply to me, but it seemed like a pretty common thing (in my area, at least.)

I think your best bet is finding the list of what documents you could use, and then thinking of which ones your parents would buy a reasonable excuse for borrowing (and, well, you don't have to give it back, but I understand you have to plan your way out, so I'm trying to think of ways to not alert your parents until after you're out of there )