infernal-one
New Member
- Sep 24, 2024
- 1
I've had serious depression and suicidal thoughts for at least 25 years. I had 2 narcissistic parents that didn't care for me and sisters that want me to fail due to their own issues. Growing up was painful. No love or sense of self. I've struggled for ever, pursuing art in the hopes of finding myself. I never have. Ive been off any substance including cigarettes and alcohol for at least 5 years. I made one mistake almost getting back into Adderall this year after asking the same co employee that got me hooked before to keep it away from me and they deliberately left me free pieces for free til I started to get carried away because they new I'd fuck my career up. During this drug binge a client of mine was flirting with me while I was high and I was too stupid to see it was in an attempt to get free services from my job and thought she was into me. She said everything sexual to me, talking about how she thought her boyfriend might be gay and spoke about twerking all night and said she liked me. I said nothing at the appointment. I pursued her after work with intentions to date. She was 20 years younger than me. I'm not proud of this. But my intentions were not predatory. I just have a weak heart and thought the girl liked me. When she realized I wasn't going to give her free work she became cruel and I snapped back. Without me knowing for several months she left a review on Google saying I was dangerous and made things sexual during the appointment which was a complete lie. She said people need to look out for me cuz I'm dangerous. This has left a stain on my name & I feel humiliation and disgust for myself all the time. Especially when I go to sleep or wake up. She continued to pursue work from me a few months later, obviously not that threatened by me, and in the middle of our conversation about the job I discovered her review. I wanted to sue her for defamation but there are no lawyers that handle this in my area. Not to mention I have no money. I feel pathetic for being so stupid, and full of rage for her lies. I feel I've always been alone and it's caused me to be desperate more and more and every day things just get worse. A beautiful girl fell in my lap shortly after, my age and great. And somehow I ruined that in three weeks. It was the ultimate slap to the face. A reminder how I'll never be happy and I'll only disgust and hurt others. I don't want to be here anymore. I haven't for a long time. What does it take to leave? I act like a child in any relationship that doesn't work out, I say things that can't be taken back. I've watched countless hours of self help videos, I exercise and eat healthy, I read and stay productive. But it's always there, that voice telling me I'm worthless and need to die. & eventually I'm left with myself and I hate every second. I hate who I am. I'm done believing this can change. Someone help me leave. Please. Some people can't be fixed. I'm over 40 and I've put in my time trying. It's time to accept that I'm a failure & to end this before more damage is done. Every second I remain here I feel pressure building. It's bound to snap, & how that will manifest is hard to predict. Help me stop this now. I serve no purpose here. I'm a virus and I need to die I just want to do it peacefully. It would be the only peace I've ever felt. Please help me.
