i need advice on my note/plan

[nembutal]

i need feedback on my plan. essentially i am planning to schedule an IG post with a short note in the description. i will also be including a link to a google doc containing a longer note where i go into detail as to why im ctbing. this may seem unnecessary to you but i want to put a word in after years of feeling misunderstood and silenced. there is also the fact that most of the people who would care about my departure are online, and wouldnt have access to info about my death (my family is very anti-suicide, i am predicting they wouldnt make my death public. i keep my family and my social contacts strictly separate, so even if a friend would suspect my death they'd most likely have no way of confirming.)

my main concern is the initial reaction. i am very afraid that my plan to go public about it will make me look like an attention whore, when all i am trying to do is share my final thoughts with loved ones. these past few years ive been haunted by thoughts that i somehow unconsciously manipulate those around me, so i am trying my hardest to prevent being viewed as a malicious person. i know i shouldnt care, and i know caring doesnt help my case, but id like to do things my way just this once. my death, my methods and procedures. i guess. i am desperate not to look like im painting myself as a victim, or wanting pity or attention. i just want understanding from those who will come across my post.

i want to know if this plan raises red flags for you and would cause you to view me as a toxic person if you were to come across my note online. some people have told me that it depends on what is written in the note, so ive attached the link to it below. its pretty long, and you dont have to read it. the last line is a note that wont be included in the final.



i feel pukey and incoherent, sorry for the jumble. i would really appreciate any feedback because i am scared.

 

[listless]

maybe its just cuz i relate, but to me your note reads as someone who has been in pain a long time and truly tried to exhaust all your options before coming to this conclusion. i also think its good that you emphasized its no one elses fault, as i know how common that feeling of guilt is among friends of people who have ctb'd. it might not prevent that feeling from happening, im sure the pain and guilt is horrible either way, but its better than having no answers or insight as how they felt when they did it, i suppose. i really relate to not wanting to be manipulative and just wanting to be understood. i think you did well in that regard. i'm sorry you are in so much pain and so afraid and feeling misunderstood. i hope you find a little peace soon whatever form it takes.

 

[stoopid]

You're not toxic. The world is.

The way you wrote, it doesn't seem that you're 100% sure about it, you said yourself there are some people who would care.

Sorry for being rude, but did you tried to talk to them about it ? I think you should be able to do what's right, but you should be very very sure. There are people who wished they had atleast one person and had none, like me I feel very lonely and the people I liked just disposed me in some kind and i have no one, like actual friends, even online. If you have probably someone it's maybe a thought worth. Not to be a fkn pro life analplugreseller just a thought, i honestly support you whatever your final choice is. Love

 

[nembutal]

You're not toxic. The world is.

The way you wrote, it doesn't seem that you're 100% sure about it, you said yourself there are some people who would care.

Sorry for being rude, but did you tried to talk to them about it ? I think you should be able to do what's right, but you should be very very sure. There are people who wished they had atleast one person and had none, like me I feel very lonely and the people I liked just disposed me in some kind and i have no one, like actual friends, even online. If you have probably someone it's maybe a thought worth. Not to be a fkn pro life analplugreseller just a thought, i honestly support you whatever your final choice is. Love

hahaha i love this response, youre very funny. i didnt think i would sound doubtful in my letter, i guess i wasnt able to pinpoint that myself. i have family who would hurt just because they are family, and out of the only two people i have developed a close relationship with, one abandoned me and the other is dead. this action is primarily driven from the death of the second person. i feel as though i didnt save him. either way, my method is r worded so ill probably live.

maybe its just cuz i relate, but to me your note reads as someone who has been in pain a long time and truly tried to exhaust all your options before coming to this conclusion. i also think its good that you emphasized its no one elses fault, as i know how common that feeling of guilt is among friends of people who have ctb'd. it might not prevent that feeling from happening, im sure the pain and guilt is horrible either way, but its better than having no answers or insight as how they felt when they did it, i suppose. i really relate to not wanting to be manipulative and just wanting to be understood. i think you did well in that regard. i'm sorry you are in so much pain and so afraid and feeling misunderstood. i hope you find a little peace soon whatever form it takes.

thank you so much, i am so glad my letter is evocative enough to get that point across. i dont think the people who know me understand how difficult this has been. you are so kind with your words, i really appreciate it and i hope things get better for you. you absolutely deserve it.