Venting I Miss My Friends

[BurgundySnap]

This is less of a ramble and more of a word salad, so many apologies.

In recent years, I find myself thinking more and more about the friends I have lost who have died. At some point we had each other, then one day they were gone. I was so close to them, so it feels as if I know things that quite literally no one else will ever know about these people I loved. And even though they are gone, I still feel I cannot tell anyone. If I go to a friend, then I fear I would be seen as evil and an enabler since they do not understand and are against suicide in any reasoning wholeheartedly. And I am too reclusive to ever approach anyone here, no matter how nice.
It just feels like I am the only person who will ever know "the truth" about what my friends went through before they died. And I think from an outside perspective, it would just look like I am too sentimental about these people.
One of their anniversaries is coming up soon, and another following soon after, and I do not feel ready to relive it. The last messages, the thanks, the goodbyes. My heart keeps breaking, and I never have enough time to let it scab over before it breaks again.
I wish I had a keepsake to hold close, or a tombstone to visit.
Maybe I could finally get some closure.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @BurgundySnap,
For your losses, I'm really sorry,
But thank you for sharing - don't worry,
On this forum you'll get no bad rap.

We know you're very caring and kind[1],
And helpful because of your sharp mind.
I believe you've been their best friend -
Whose care and love will never end.

Though life on the earth is full of strife,
I pray, somewhere may there be next life[2],
Where we could finally find delight,
After our long and desperate fight.

Until then, may you take a sound nap -
Amazing friends of @BurgundySnap.

Note:
[1] You've made a lot of posts which shows care to others, like this:

"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

I made this account on sleeping pills. I've been taking pills in my sleep again. been on pills for 2 days or something. wtf is wrong with me. i hate my life, and my unconscious hates me too llloololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol funny funny i've finally gone made...

sanctioned-suicide.net

[2] "I believe in reincarnation..."

Useless and a Ghost

My mind is becoming a bit untethered over time, so I am very sorry for the disjointedness of my words. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I believe in reincarnation, so maybe I was a horrible person in a past life that justifies being sick. Not that alone, my parents don't see a big deal...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Thank you for sharing your experience, even though it hurts. I don't know about your friends, but I hope this makes sense. I'm so sorry for your losses, but couldn't say anything else - bereavement is too overwhelming, especially for you because you can't talk about it with people close to you, I think.

I wish I had a keepsake to hold close, or a tombstone to visit.

In my case I had an online friend who loved fitness, and I started exercising, influenced by them. They said "none of your efforts in the gym are in vein[sic]" and I still have this phrase on my phone. They seemed to have CTB'ed, but I continued working out.