Oblivion Lover
No life, no suffering
- May 30, 2019
- 360
I know this is all of a sudden, but I've thought about it a lot these days and reached the conclusion that waiting for the opportunity to CTB by sodium nitrite in my birthday with a perfectly written note is an unfeasible goal considering my current state, and that trying to achieve it will only prolong this stupid life for more time I can bear, and that I should ctb at the first opportunity with whatever effective method there is if I really want to die. I have reached a point where I don't even care about how my body is going to look like, what "message" or symbolism my suicide will convey (too bad suicide prevention day is already over), or how I'll be remembered by the family. Honestly I think that's a good thing, after all nothing of that is going to matter once I'm dead, and I struggled for a long time to accept that.
With SN out of question for a quick ctb, I've done some research on other methods and finally found one that is suitable to me. If I'm going to ctb any soon it's going to be by a variation of the "old-fashioned way": hanging by partial suspension. I have all the supplies I need for free in my house, it's a very practical method, and a relatively peaceful one. There are a few concerns about it, as the damn seizures or noises I might make could wake up my parents sleeping next room, but as for any high-reward activity there's going to be some risk and I'm fine with that. I'm also fine with the discomfort caused by the process of hanging, and I already know my " sweet spot" for hanging so it will make things much easier. I think it is a totally worthy method to try if you have few options.
This thread might be or not a goodbye post. I'm still considering it as I look at the necktie with a slipknot that is tied around my bed's headboard while waiting for my parents to sleep to lessen the risk of being found and "saved". I once thought of leaving a note and even wrote one, but then I decided it's pointless. I prefer to come here and write some words saying goodbye to you internet strangers that I relate to, than to my parents. I wouldn't feel good leaving this world without coming here one last time and thanking this wonderful community. Also, I really needed to tell someone about it. If I don't come back here a few days after I stop replying, either I'm dead or a freaking vegetable. If it doesn't work or I give up on trying, I'll be back by tomorrow to rant about life again, though I doubt that will happen since I'm feeling reasonably calm and confident because of the diazepam I took and/or because I just want to get over it already.
Ok, so, to conclude this already long post, I'd like to thank the SS community for being so kind and receptive, and the admins and mods for maintaining such an important forum active. If it weren't for this site I'd already have done something not very well thought that would have left me either physically or mentally disabled or just miserable for many years to come. I'm not going to say goodbye right now as I'm still going to wait a few hours before I try to ctb just to be sure but I'm writing this in advance. Please pardon me for any grammar or writing errors in this post. My inattention level is over 9000 with this damn ADD and diazepam combined.
With SN out of question for a quick ctb, I've done some research on other methods and finally found one that is suitable to me. If I'm going to ctb any soon it's going to be by a variation of the "old-fashioned way": hanging by partial suspension. I have all the supplies I need for free in my house, it's a very practical method, and a relatively peaceful one. There are a few concerns about it, as the damn seizures or noises I might make could wake up my parents sleeping next room, but as for any high-reward activity there's going to be some risk and I'm fine with that. I'm also fine with the discomfort caused by the process of hanging, and I already know my " sweet spot" for hanging so it will make things much easier. I think it is a totally worthy method to try if you have few options.
This thread might be or not a goodbye post. I'm still considering it as I look at the necktie with a slipknot that is tied around my bed's headboard while waiting for my parents to sleep to lessen the risk of being found and "saved". I once thought of leaving a note and even wrote one, but then I decided it's pointless. I prefer to come here and write some words saying goodbye to you internet strangers that I relate to, than to my parents. I wouldn't feel good leaving this world without coming here one last time and thanking this wonderful community. Also, I really needed to tell someone about it. If I don't come back here a few days after I stop replying, either I'm dead or a freaking vegetable. If it doesn't work or I give up on trying, I'll be back by tomorrow to rant about life again, though I doubt that will happen since I'm feeling reasonably calm and confident because of the diazepam I took and/or because I just want to get over it already.
Ok, so, to conclude this already long post, I'd like to thank the SS community for being so kind and receptive, and the admins and mods for maintaining such an important forum active. If it weren't for this site I'd already have done something not very well thought that would have left me either physically or mentally disabled or just miserable for many years to come. I'm not going to say goodbye right now as I'm still going to wait a few hours before I try to ctb just to be sure but I'm writing this in advance. Please pardon me for any grammar or writing errors in this post. My inattention level is over 9000 with this damn ADD and diazepam combined.
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