Venting I might die soon or not

[Ameya]

How should I start this. I don't know
Welp I will start somehow. It might be all a little bit jumbled. Let's start with me being lonely. I have a few friends, but those few friends barely write or contact me. Just today a online friend said they can't meet me. We have been planning for a long time to meet up, but I guess it won't work. I can't blame them of course. Life gets in the way..Beside that I think it was bound to happen. My other friends around me don't seem to mind paying much attention to me. Thats how I perceive it. But looking from a more rational point. I barely contact them back and if I do I can barely even say anything interesting. People lose interest in me after a while. Plus friendships come from both ways. I am probably just too demanding for them to contact me if I don't do it myself. I am a fool lol. There was once a time were I tried going out much with my friends. I got rejected left and right. Maybe that just strengthened my one-sideness...I don't really have much interest in a relationship so that luckily isn't a big bother, but with that friendships become more important to me. I am just a by-product a second choice. Only useful if no one else is around. Haha...
Now I thought I could save myself with education. Maybe I could make something useful out of me? This backfired quick. I failed a school year. I reapted it. Now on the 28th I get my grades back and it will decide if I just cut my myself out of life or not. I am basically a failure. I failed last year..and I failed doing my drivers licence this year. Yaaay...I feel useless.
Now I thought hey maybe you are just this way because you are depressed! Great! I thought I will reach out! I did, my family knows and my friends. It got brushed under a rug. I tried my own thing. I called a therapist myself. I got rejected bc they are full. So what's the point in trying to get better? My mental health just hurts and my environment doesn't really do much to help. So fuck that. Suicide it is!
BUT NO. NOT EVEN THAT WORKS. 4 failed attempts. So overdosing ain't gonna work. Fuck I even got rejected on the parnter mega thread.(I respect that ofc, I can't force anyone to be with me, but man shit still hurts) Nobody really wants me or they want me at a comfortable reach. Life has been cruel to me, bullying and rejection. I am so tired of it.
I know I luckily haven't lived through the other hells like any other member here did. I feel kind of spoiled for wanting to die, but this is all I know. My life is all I have truly felt so far and I don't like it. Maybe I'll even die not depending on my grades. I am useless anyway.
But I know for a fact my ride down to hell will be solo
I might sound young, because I mentioned I am a student, but I am 18 +. I won't elaborate my exact age. I also don't wanna listen to: "you still have chances you are young" crap. Please be respectful

I like to make fun of myself so here is a stupid useless meme to lighten the mood

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand the feeling of being tired of living. This life really is so depressing and I know that it is hard to carry on when everything feels so hopeless. I'm sorry that you went through those failed attempts. Suicide really is so difficult and I can imagine that it must have been awful failing ctb that many times. I wish you relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Ameya]

I understand the feeling of being tired of living. This life really is so depressing and I know that it is hard to carry on when everything feels so hopeless. I'm sorry that you went through those failed attempts. Suicide really is so difficult and I can imagine that it must have been awful failing ctb that many times. I wish you relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

thank you haha
and thanks for reading my boring story. Even a lil empathy makes me feel better. I appreciate it.

 

[deathbylife]

How should I start this. I don't know
Welp I will start somehow. It might be all a little bit jumbled. Let's start with me being lonely. I have a few friends, but those few friends barely write or contact me. Just today a online friend said they can't meet me. We have been planning for a long time to meet up, but I guess it won't work. I can't blame them of course. Life gets in the way..Beside that I think it was bound to happen. My other friends around me don't seem to mind paying much attention to me. Thats how I perceive it. But looking from a more rational point. I barely contact them back and if I do I can barely even say anything interesting. People lose interest in me after a while. Plus friendships come from both ways. I am probably just too demanding for them to contact me if I don't do it myself. I am a fool lol. There was once a time were I tried going out much with my friends. I got rejected left and right. Maybe that just strengthened my one-sideness...I don't really have much interest in a relationship so that luckily isn't a big bother, but with that friendships become more important to me. I am just a by-product a second choice. Only useful if no one else is around. Haha...
Now I thought I could save myself with education. Maybe I could make something useful out of me? This backfired quick. I failed a school year. I reapted it. Now on the 28th I get my grades back and it will decide if I just cut my myself out of life or not. I am basically a failure. I failed last year..and I failed doing my drivers licence this year. Yaaay...I feel useless.
Now I thought hey maybe you are just this way because you are depressed! Great! I thought I will reach out! I did, my family knows and my friends. It got brushed under a rug. I tried my own thing. I called a therapist myself. I got rejected bc they are full. So what's the point in trying to get better? My mental health just hurts and my environment doesn't really do much to help. So fuck that. Suicide it is!
BUT NO. NOT EVEN THAT WORKS. 4 failed attempts. So overdosing ain't gonna work. Fuck I even got rejected on the parnter mega thread.(I respect that ofc, I can't force anyone to be with me, but man shit still hurts) Nobody really wants me or they want me at a comfortable reach. Life has been cruel to me, bullying and rejection. I am so tired of it.
I know I luckily haven't lived through the other hells like any other member here did. I feel kind of spoiled for wanting to die, but this is all I know. My life is all I have truly felt so far and I don't like it. Maybe I'll even die not depending on my grades. I am useless anyway.
But I know for a fact my ride down to hell will be solo
I might sound young, because I mentioned I am a student, but I am 18 +. I won't elaborate my exact age. I also don't wanna listen to: "you still have chances you are young" crap. Please be respectful

I like to make fun of myself so here is a stupid useless meme to lighten the mood
View attachment 94179

Wow, I sure can relate. Being people's second choice, being held at arm's length. I told one of my friends from my last job (without thinking first) after I had to leave the job that I was suicidal, and I never heard back from her. So, I realize that I over-burdened her and she probably didn't know how to react. But I understand what it feels like to feel so isolated in life. The mental health crisis has a lot of the therapists on a waitlist. Maybe if you keep calling around, you could find someone else. Just suggesting, because I want you to still be around. But I respect whatever choice you make and I hope you find some peace somewhere. Remember, people here are available if you want to reach out again.