Venting I love life, but I’m tired of being in pain

[albino_elk]

Please xD *shitty world

 

[clown_17]

Yes! This is exactly my situation and this is why it's so hard for me to ctb. Now that I have a condition that is basically untreatable i just want all the things I didn't really care about before. It makes me realize how dramatic I was in the past when I'd be willing to end it over little things like a bad grade when I was still in school. I guess I just took life too seriously. But now all I want is a light hearted existence with good times and not a single standard on myself. If I could redo my existence I'd never of tried so hard and hated things so much. And although I'll basically never get a normal future (unless decades go by and I'm A. Still alive and B. Reviving a miracle treatment) it just makes it hard to leave. Thanks for writing this

 

[lion2000]

Ok, this might sound ridiculous...someone mentioned wishing they could be ignorant and honestly that's how I'm having more good days than bad recently. Obviously, our pain and suffering is unique to each of us and I want to be clear I respect that and respect everyone's individual journey/decisions. But with Covid and the election among other things like not fitting in and feeling awkward, struggling with my job, family issues, etc., I started kind of limiting where I invested my energy/attention because I saw myself going back down a path of darkness.

If I have to attempt to be a functioning human for 24 hours of the day, I can sure as heck make more of those hours about me and what I want to do....I found some life loopholes, if you will. For example, thanks to Covid I have to work remote...my job is meh but I secretly only really work part of the day, not the full 8 hours...I mean no one is watching (thank goodness). And getting away with that kind of adds to my happiness.
Also, I started feeling so weighed down by the end of the day being on lockdown that I literally just wanted to go to bed at 7pm and could sleep for 12 hours...but I know my dog and being outside was helpful to boosting my mood, at least I feel better in that moment and it usually lasts for a few hours/ the rest of the day. so I force myself to go for a walk with the pupper...I started with hints like that — just one goal for the day that would help me. After weeks, I would eventually add another goal and these activities that I actually enjoyed became routine.

All was great until I hit a wall last week, death in the family (suicide)...and of course before the holidays. I am struggling but trying to be kind and forgiving to myself. Letting myself think all the thoughts (some pretty dark negative ones too), letting myself feel everything and do my favorite vices — it is fine, I need this for me is what I'm telling myself but come Monday...I'm hoping I can pick myself back up and restart my one goal a day: thinking it'll be a 30-min walk with my dog. If i can just do that for one week or two, then I will add other positive things to my routine. Feeling hopeful right now as I crawl back under the cover with my puppy.

sorry for the tangent, probably tmi but my point was basically reframing your situation and limitations to what works for you...what within your realm of possibility can you do that you know you like and boosts your mood? Reading or drawing? Doing zoom happy hours with people you like? (Those are "in" now) Learning new concepts or how to make stuff via YouTube videos? ...and shitty stuff will inevitably come into our frame but if you can redirect your energy and time into what you like and care about, maybe thatll have some sort of positive impact.Doing life comparisons or hindsight 20/20 / grass is always greener type of thinking is a recipe for disaster...I think we do too much of it in western/US culture.

 

[suicidal-raven]

Anyone else with me? I think I've struggled with depression my whole life. Things like being made fun of, not really fitting in, not being happy with my appearance, romantic feelings that weren't reciprocated, hating my job, my family, etc.

But then...

Then I got chronically ill and am now basically house bound. There are no treatments and no good advice for healing as it's an under researched condition. Through this, I realized how much I actually love life. The feeling of finding a new coffee shop. Going on a hike and taking in the views. When a strangers dog runs up to you for cuddles. Bonding with coworkers over how much you hate your job. Really good days that stand out from the really bad ones. Little things that I never really appreciated because I was so hyper focused on the things I DIDN'T have instead.

If a genie magically took all my pain and physical ailments away, I dont think I'd want to die. But that's not how life works is it. I'm in too deep with reading scary stories and knowing how there is no cap on how sick you can get. You think that just because you're unlucky enough to have one chronic health issue? Think again, here's 5 more! It never ends and life is horrifying to me now. You're never really the same after experiencing something as traumatic as an incurable illness but one that isn't terminal.

I also guess if I never got ill I would continue being in my ways and underappreciting life. Maybe this is enlightenment and this is my final phase of life? Material positions mean nothing to me anymore, I just want health. Hindsight is funny that way.

Anyone with me?

I made a list of a little over 100 things that I love or enjoy. So I do love life, some days, but others I hate it and wish I never existed. I guess for me it depends but I'm at a point where I would love to grow old but I also wouldn't mind going sooner.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of that though, many hugs!