Venting I love life, but I’m tired of being in pain

[Desdemona]

Anyone else with me? I think I've struggled with depression my whole life. Things like being made fun of, not really fitting in, not being happy with my appearance, romantic feelings that weren't reciprocated, hating my job, my family, etc.

But then...

Then I got chronically ill and am now basically house bound. There are no treatments and no good advice for healing as it's an under researched condition. Through this, I realized how much I actually love life. The feeling of finding a new coffee shop. Going on a hike and taking in the views. When a strangers dog runs up to you for cuddles. Bonding with coworkers over how much you hate your job. Really good days that stand out from the really bad ones. Little things that I never really appreciated because I was so hyper focused on the things I DIDN'T have instead.

If a genie magically took all my pain and physical ailments away, I dont think I'd want to die. But that's not how life works is it. I'm in too deep with reading scary stories and knowing how there is no cap on how sick you can get. You think that just because you're unlucky enough to have one chronic health issue? Think again, here's 5 more! It never ends and life is horrifying to me now. You're never really the same after experiencing something as traumatic as an incurable illness but one that isn't terminal.

I also guess if I never got ill I would continue being in my ways and underappreciting life. Maybe this is enlightenment and this is my final phase of life? Material positions mean nothing to me anymore, I just want health. Hindsight is funny that way.

Anyone with me?

 

[Life_and_Death]

yeah..... Things like being made fun of, not really fitting in, not being happy with my appearance, romantic feelings that weren't reciprocated, hating my job, my family, etc. this also basically sums up my life. which has lead to serious mental disorders i just dont want to deal with anymore. i also have physical problems so im almost always in pain but its minor compared to the disorders so i just ignore it the best i can.

i dont want to die but im tired of living

 

[XYZ]

Little things that I never really appreciated because I was so hyper focused on the things I DIDN'T have instead.

Being ill puts everything into perspective. Age does that as well. Hindsight is 20/20.

Sadly travelling back in time is impossible and there is no cure for my illness, so that's that...

Thx for sharing your story, I feel so much compassion for you and understand your situation more than I wish I did

 

[Desdemona]

yeah..... Things like being made fun of, not really fitting in, not being happy with my appearance, romantic feelings that weren't reciprocated, hating my job, my family, etc. this also basically sums up my life. which has lead to serious mental disorders i just dont want to deal with anymore. i also have physical problems so im almost always in pain but its minor compared to the disorders so i just ignore it the best i can.

i dont want to die but im tired of living

I think prolonged anxiety and depression affected my brain and nervous system and made me more vulnerable to develop my current illnesses. I'm in the same boat. I'd love
more time on this earth, just not in my current state.

I think the lucky ones are the ones who get to live life in ignorance. Once you become overly aware of how horrible life can be it eats you alive

Being ill puts everything into perspective. Age does that as well. Hindsight is 20/20.

Sadly travelling back in time is impossible and there is no cure for my illness, so that's that...

Thx for sharing your story, I feel so much compassion for you and understand your situation more than I wish I did

Thank you for the kind words. Illnesses really do have a way of humbeling you. I'm in my mid 20's and felt like I was just starting to get the hang of live a bit :( I'm sorry you can relate

This isn't a post to invalidate those who want to CTB for other reasons besides "chronic illnesses" by the way, I hope it doesn't come off that way. I think everyone's feelings/reasons are valid

 

[Life_and_Death]

Illnesses really do have a way of humbeling you. I'm in my mid 20's and felt like I was just starting to get the hang of live a bit :( I'm sorry you can relate

This isn't a post to invalidate those who want to CTB for other reasons besides "chronic illnesses" by the way, I hope it doesn't come off that way. I think everyone's feelings/reasons are valid

i found depression is what made me humble. actually understanding that not all problems are obvious really showed me that you shouldnt judge people because you cant see everything, so thats what i do now. instead of judging i wonder what their story is.

i didnt find it invalidating. everyone has their reasons and illnesses can really take it out of you (mentally tiring)

 

[Desdemona]

i found depression is what made me humble. actually understanding that not all problems are obvious really showed me that you shouldnt judge people because you cant see everything, so thats what i do now. instead of judging i wonder what their story is.

i didnt find it invalidating. everyone has their reasons and illnesses can really take it out of you (mentally tiring)

New here still trying to navigate the site! The invalidation thing was meant to be a general statement for anyone reading, sorry didn't mean to aim it at you!

 

[Life_and_Death]

New here still trying to navigate the site! The invalidation thing was meant to be a general statement for anyone reading, sorry didn't mean to aim it at you!

I didn't think you were aiming it at me lol. It was just from my perspective I don't see a problem with it. Just trying to reassure you that its fine

 

[Superdeterminist]

Can't say I'm anything like that. I view life as a single phenomenon that presents us with pains and pleasures, luck depending. I tend to personify life; how dare life think for even a second that those fleeting pleasures go any way towards justifying the pain? That's my perspective.

 

[albino_elk]

Ye i have pain too and i feel it every day every time (sometimes even in my dreams) when i'm trying to walk too much or simply sitting (my both knees are super weak) and i have migraine but it doesn't bother me as much as mental problems :v

 

[yetme]

Anyone else with me? I think I've struggled with depression my whole life. Things like being made fun of, not really fitting in, not being happy with my appearance, romantic feelings that weren't reciprocated, hating my job, my family, etc.

But then...

Then I got chronically ill and am now basically house bound. There are no treatments and no good advice for healing as it's an under researched condition. Through this, I realized how much I actually love life. The feeling of finding a new coffee shop. Going on a hike and taking in the views. When a strangers dog runs up to you for cuddles. Bonding with coworkers over how much you hate your job. Really good days that stand out from the really bad ones. Little things that I never really appreciated because I was so hyper focused on the things I DIDN'T have instead.

Anyone with me?

oh God(( I can totally relate. chronical illness is the main reason I'm here. I loved life. not that it was particulary good, but I could appreciate it's moments. The smell of coffee in the morning, long walks on the beach, sunsets, mountains, big cities, cozy places, ocean.. I loved every moment of it. That makes it particulary sad and unfair.

 

[Desdemona]

Can't say I'm anything like that. I view life as a single phenomenon that presents us with pains and pleasures, luck depending. I tend to personify life; how dare life think for even a second that those fleeting pleasures go any way towards justifying the pain? That's my perspective.

Life always felt super personal to me. But now I see it more of just chaos and probability and luck. Nothing is personal, there are just infinate outcomes and stuff just happens. You can do everything right and things can go horribly wrong at any moment

That's partly why its so hard to push through. You can go to the perfect university, get good grades, land an interview to your dream job. You might be lucky and get the job or be struck by a car on your way to the interview and be left severely paralyzed.

You can go donate blood and help save someone's life or the person drawing your blood can be inexperienced and can hit a nerve and leave you with disabling CRPS

No one is safe

Ye i have pain too and i feel it every day every time (sometimes even in my dreams) when i'm trying to walk too much or simply sitting (my both knees are super weak) and i have migraine but it doesn't bother me as much as mental problems :v

Mental problems can be just as bad. Severe stress and anxiety can also lead to additional physical symptoms. It's can be a catch 22 :(

oh God(( I can totally relate. chronical illness is the main reason I'm here. I loved life. not that it was particulary good, but I could appreciate it's moments. The smell of coffee in the morning, long walks on the beach, sunsets, mountains, big cities, cozy places, ocean.. I loved every moment of it. That makes it particulary sad and unfair.

Same here :( I'm sorry you have to suffer in this way too

 

[NightmareTour]

Chronic illness isn't something I'd wish on anyone. Nobody seems to understand, everyone underestimates your pain because you're getting through it every day. You're getting through it every day because you HAVE to, that doesn't mean it's not painful and horrible.

I'm glad you still get enjoyment out of life, though. I hope that gives you the motivation to stay around a bit longer. I guess maybe we can hope that one day, medical research will at least find something that makes it a bit easier to deal with?

 

[Desdemona]

Chronic illness isn't something I'd wish on anyone. Nobody seems to understand, everyone underestimates your pain because you're getting through it every day. You're getting through it every day because you HAVE to, that doesn't mean it's not painful and horrible.

I'm glad you still get enjoyment out of life, though. I hope that gives you the motivation to stay around a bit longer. I guess maybe we can hope that one day, medical research will at least find something that makes it a bit easier to deal with?

I can't leave my house and I'm in pain at home too, so not much enjoyment going on over here. There are potential treatments on the horizon for a few of my ailments which is why I'm trying to stick it out. And trying not to go nuts in the meantime. Being stuck inside is misery

 

[NightmareTour]

I can't leave my house and I'm in pain at home too, so not much enjoyment going on over here. There are potential treatments on the horizon for a few of my ailments which is why I'm trying to stick it out. And trying not to go nuts in the meantime. Being stuck inside is misery

Yeah, I understand that completely. I'm stuck inside too, and chronic pain just takes everything out of you.

Good luck with those treatments, I really hope they work for you.

 

[Meditation guide]

If a genie magically took all my pain and physical ailments away, I dont think I'd want to die.

I agree, I definitely wouldn't want to die.

chronical illness is the main reason I'm here. I loved life. not that it was particulary good, but I could appreciate it's moments. The smell of coffee in the morning, long walks on the beach, sunsets, mountains, big cities, cozy places, ocean.. I loved every moment of it.

Me too. I appreciated small things. I loved life.

 

[Hyperbunny]

I can't leave my house and I'm in pain at home too, so not much enjoyment going on over here. There are potential treatments on the horizon for a few of my ailments which is why I'm trying to stick it out. And trying not to go nuts in the meantime. Being stuck inside is misery

same here..i have chronic facial pain its not controlled fully by meds

 

[Desdemona]

same here..i have chronic facial pain its not controlled fully by meds

Omg me too. Do you have TN?

 

[sadgirl9999]

this made me cry because of how much i relate! it's 90% of the reason i want to leave and it's on my mind 24/7 (because it hurts 24/7 lol). and seeing so many opportunities getting taken away because of it is so hard. i would rather have a healthy body than a billion dollars. i grieve for my old life all the time

 

[lugerepair]

Once you become overly aware of how horrible life can be it eats you alive

I relate so much to that statement. I've experienced how horrible life can get, and even then I know it can easily get even worse than that. Much worse. And I don't want to experience it. I've been confronted with the realities of death, pain, and illness from a very young age. I feel like most people don't realize that life is a never-ending well of potential suffering, and there is no bottom, no limit to how bad things can get. I'm not in that much pain now, thankfully, but who knows what the future holds in store for me? I wouldn't be so anxious about it if euthanasia and assisted suicide were legal. We have enough compassion to euthanize pets, but not human beings. How fucked up is this world?

I think about all the people who have it even worse than me. It's terrifying, the fact that it can always get worse.

 

[Desdemona]

this made me cry because of how much i relate! it's 90% of the reason i want to leave and it's on my mind 24/7 (because it hurts 24/7 lol). and seeing so many opportunities getting taken away because of it is so hard. i would rather have a healthy body than a billion dollars. i grieve for my old life all the time

This is 100% how I feel too. I'm so sorry you're in a position where you can relate. I can definitely attest to that statement of a healthy body vs a billion dollars. I'd be happy with a simple little life, if I could just feel healthy again

 

[Meditation guide]

I'd be happy with a simple little life, if I could just feel healthy again

Me too. I miss doing things so much. I can't do anything.

 

[Desdemona]

I relate so much to that statement. I've experienced how horrible life can get, and even then I know it can easily get even worse than that. Much worse. And I don't want to experience it. I've been confronted with the realities of death, pain, and illness from a very young age. I feel like most people don't realize that life is a never-ending well of potential suffering, and there is no bottom, no limit to how bad things can get. I'm not in that much pain now, thankfully, but who knows what the future holds in store for me? I wouldn't be so anxious about it if euthanasia and assisted suicide were legal. We have enough compassion to euthanize pets, but not human beings. How fucked up is this world?

I think about all the people who have it even worse than me. It's terrifying, the fact that it can always get worse.

Yes that feeling of it getting worse at any point scares me SO much. Even more so not having a painless way out. Knowing that I could go to a clinic somewhere, have my loved ones with me as I peacefully leave the world in a cozy bed would be so nice. Even if I have to do it myself. I've been put under General anasthesia before I would imagine it would be like that. Just falling asleep to a nice movie in a bed full of fluffy blankets. I hope death is exactly like that.

Part of me has a fear that I'll be punished by the universe for calling it quits early. Like, my soul or whatever just being trapped in an endless chain of suffering. But there are so many human beings on this planet I just think, who is keeping tabs on us lol. Is there just a huge center of computers where every time someone CTB someone's goes -> time for you to suffer some more! Here's another crappy life.

 

[ts0hill]

Anyone else with me? I think I've struggled with depression my whole life. Things like being made fun of, not really fitting in, not being happy with my appearance, romantic feelings that weren't reciprocated, hating my job, my family, etc.

But then...

Then I got chronically ill and am now basically house bound. There are no treatments and no good advice for healing as it's an under researched condition. Through this, I realized how much I actually love life. The feeling of finding a new coffee shop. Going on a hike and taking in the views. When a strangers dog runs up to you for cuddles. Bonding with coworkers over how much you hate your job. Really good days that stand out from the really bad ones. Little things that I never really appreciated because I was so hyper focused on the things I DIDN'T have instead.

If a genie magically took all my pain and physical ailments away, I dont think I'd want to die. But that's not how life works is it. I'm in too deep with reading scary stories and knowing how there is no cap on how sick you can get. You think that just because you're unlucky enough to have one chronic health issue? Think again, here's 5 more! It never ends and life is horrifying to me now. You're never really the same after experiencing something as traumatic as an incurable illness but one that isn't terminal.

I also guess if I never got ill I would continue being in my ways and underappreciting life. Maybe this is enlightenment and this is my final phase of life? Material positions mean nothing to me anymore, I just want health. Hindsight is funny that way.

Anyone with me?

I am sorry about the pain that you are in. I do not have an illness but I can relate. Its like you are trapped in your body and you just watch people on the outside do things you wish you could do. It's is sad because you remember how good those little things felt before.. such as meeting a friend, hikes, etc as you said. But then its like you aren't even really living anymore. I am mid twenties, My life was pretty good before, well at least I could feel the emotion happiness. I been on an antidepressant drug for 5 years and it has ruined my life because of the side effects it's made me a person I am not. Mental confusion, Agitation, unable to communicate and keep relationships, and unable to feel any emotions for years. I feel like I ruined my online reputation and in person with some people. It is so hard to taper off of after so long. If I never went on it and just felt with the issues I would be ok but years and years of this pain is not tolerable. You keep asking yourself when will I finally get better. I feel like I will soon but I felt that way before but they years just drag by. I am not ready to die yet I want to try more first. I hope that you will find happiness in life. I am sorry because It can be very difficult.

 

[enzyetee]

I love life too... But life doesn't love me...

 

[woxihuanni]

Been there, felt that. If you heal and go back to life, you will cry tears of happiness at things like a beautiful river, a moment of intimacy, whatever you miss. And people will be terrified of your raw lust and gratefulness. Then you will end up having to die anyway.

 

[Hyperbunny]

Omg me too. Do you have TN?

i have trigeminal neuropathy, and the pains after surgery in my nose. also have empty nose syndrome which is related to it.

this made me cry because of how much i relate! it's 90% of the reason i want to leave and it's on my mind 24/7 (because it hurts 24/7 lol). and seeing so many opportunities getting taken away because of it is so hard. i would rather have a healthy body than a billion dollars. i grieve for my old life all the time

what do u suffer with

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

this made me cry because of how much i relate! it's 90% of the reason i want to leave and it's on my mind 24/7 (because it hurts 24/7 lol). and seeing so many opportunities getting taken away because of it is so hard. i would rather have a healthy body than a billion dollars. i grieve for my old life all the time

This is exactly how I feel. My heart goes out to everyone on this thread (and anyone reading) who has to deal with chronic pain and illness with or without mental illness as well.

Besides my debilitating anxiety and depression which have only gotten worse in the last 15-20 yrs due to my quickly accumulating list of physical problems which I won't enumerate them all, but my anxiety symptoms coupled with my GI problems (chronic nausea, abdominal pain and cramping, constant need to use the toilet, having to wear an adult diaper :( , ) have made just eating and sleeping and simple enjoyments of life impossible, or at least very difficult due to needing to be near a bathroom. I miss driving and listening to music, going to the movies, concerts, taking hikes or swimming in the lakes. I miss eating what I want and not living on rice and chicken and toast 90% of the time. All I have now are memories of relatively better days and it kills me to see how much others my age have accomplished when all I do is sit at home dealing with such disgusting things and I feel so sick and repulsive. Since I was a teenager (I was sickly then, too just not like now) I've always said I've give ANYTHING to just be healthy and I've tried to live a healthful life - eating well, taking supplements, never drank, smoked, nothing) yet here I am with so many health problems and a weak, undependable body that I can't trust. I missed out on so much in life because of poor health. I just want it OVER.

 

[SadFather2020]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this pain. I too am in pain and I understand the sadness, fear and terror people on here may experience. I do not know what advice to offer but I can tell you that you are not alone. My physical problems are only beginning to manifest.but I can tell they are coming. My pain is a prison of the mind.

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm sorry to hear how bad your situation is but I can't help admire your eloquence. You have a real way with words and your thoughts are crystal clear.

I think humans naturally love life or at least want to live as it's an instinct we share with all animals. What erodes that will to live is pain, a lot of it.

I could elaborate on pessimistic theories of how life is pain in essence but I'll not abuse your thread plus it wouldn't be of any use to you anyway. I wish could be of some assistence but that's likely not the case.

I wish you smooth sailing wherever you go or whatever happens. I hope you find a solution to your worry of not having a painless way out as that is very understandable.

Perhaps I ought to try to enjoy life more but I'm pretty set in my ways. It's expecting anything out of life that brought me to my proverbial knees and made me suffer so I try to live as unattached as possible but your example indicates perhaps I ought to try to appreciate what I do have more. Thanks for the lesson.

 

[Meditation guide]

Part of me has a fear that I'll be punished by the universe for calling it quits early. Like, my soul or whatever just being trapped in an endless chain of suffering. But there are so many human beings on this planet I just think, who is keeping tabs on us lol. Is there just a huge center of computers where every time someone CTB someone's goes -> time for you to suffer some more! Here's another crappy life

I think it is only you who decides how much punishment you receive. I think that after death all of it is self controlled:
where you go, where you spend your "bardo" which is the in-between lives time, etc.

So do not be your own judge. You are just a human being in an imperfect world.