I lost some of my reasons to die and I feel indescribable.

[Circles]

Like I've noticed that as I've recovered some and gotten somewhat better mentally and physically I've lost some of the reasons why I wanted to die. I don't know if that's good or bad really cause in a way those reasons were like my rocks for being suicidal for so long and now without them I feel empty like I'm missing something in an indescribable way. But what I wish could replace them was some solid reasons for living if any cause I can't find any. And then there's my other reasons for wanting to die I still have that I feel becomes somewhat worse as those other reasons have disappeared. Maybe I'm not making any sense but whatever I just needed to let this out. Thanks SS.

 

[gogoprince]

Congrats on recovering. That's amazing!

I feel the same way a lot of times honestly and it seems even more scary than how things used to be sometimes. I feel like I'm building myself from the ground up.

As sad as this sounds, a lot of times I did feel like being suicidal was part of my personal identity.

 

[summers]

@Circles I hope you keep feeling better. Miss talking to you...

 

[myopybyproxy]

This is why I'm scared to give recovery a real go - that it will leave me feeling even more ambivalent about dying or certain not to, yet not with any reason or purpose in living - I'll have to suffer through years until things eventually get worse enough that I am back where I started and I may as well have killed myself years ago.

As @gogoprince said, I find it impossible to imagine a version of myself that does not want to die - it's part of who I am now. I don't know what is me and what is my disorders - it is all the same at this point.