Venting I lied to the psych ward to get out

[Lotus]

I try as much as I can to be honest in life, and especially with health care professionals and authorities. I'm uncomfortable with lying. I'm sorry for all the drama I post on SS. My original date for CTB was the 27th, but I had to postpone it because of mail delivery issues (I'm probably getting the last stuff for SN on Monday or Tuesday). However, I was again tracked by the police for 8 hours on the 27th. Apparently they broke into my apartment, but I wasn't there. Where was I? I was totally chilling at the spa and then at a hotel enjoying my last days. Earlier I made a will and sorted out all my funds (if you have read my earlier thread). The day was good, and I wasn't really hiding it. My mother knew where I was and what I was doing. So, in my hotel room, I was just getting out of the shower and starting to watch an episode of the new season of "You" before I fell asleep. Suddenly three police officers stormed into my hotel room without even knocking, they searched my entire room and the doctor arrived and examined me. I was again rushed to the hospital even though they didn't find anything abnormal, and the next day I was forced to go to the psychiatric hospital. After I got there I was immediately released. I know that they doesn't like to commit me involuntary, and I used that knowledge to get out. I feel guilty, because I was released because I was dishonest. I tried to be as vague as I could so I wasn't lying so much. They now actualy believe that I will contact the health care system if I'm suicidal (well duh, I'm suicidal now, my date was originally set), and that I don't have certain plans. I know so many of you guys are saying you should lie about CTB plans, so why do I find it so hard? It's not that I want help. I don't want the help.

Now I'm a little uncertain about the new CTB date. I was thinking of December 31st, but I have an appointment with my psychiatrist who is back from holiday January 6th. I really want to see him for the last time because he means so much to me. He always gives me a warm and gentle hug at the end of the session. He sees me for who I am, and my biggest wish is that he will accept my decision to CTB, but I know that's a long shot. But here's my problem: if I do wait till after my session with him, HOW can I be dishonest with him? I just can't, and I'm so afraid of being involuntary committed again so my CTB plans will be ruined. And why is my psychiatrist's opinion more important to me than my family's? I have to say, I'm feeling a little guilty now when my mother is posting the cutest cat videos on my FB wall (I'm soon deleting my profile), and my cousin is sending me the most adorable pictures of her pets, but they don't know me like my psychiatrist knows me. They don't understand the greatness of my suffer. He's the only one that I can trust to share this with, and he's the only one that truly understands my pain. And he, someone who was a complete stranger to me a year ago, tells me that he does care a lot for me now and that he's seeing the real me, and that he doesn't want me to leave. I do believe he means it genuinely, and that's what surprises me as well. How can anybody care about me knowing the real me?

Thank you for reading, and sorry again about all the dramatic posts. I got a chance to think thouroghly during all the waiting time yesterday, which just made me more determined of CTB and that I'm now ready to leave. I'm of the opinion that I actually don't deserve to live such a miserable life I'm living now. I'm just so conflicted about when to set my new CTB date, and whether I should wait till after I see my psychiatrist or not.

 

[Squiddy]

Whatever you do, I wish you peace. I've also lied in the past to get out the psych ward so you're not the only one

 

[schopenh]

Do what it takes to get away from the self-selving emotionless golems that make up the bulk of our healthcare systems

 

[Jean4]

Your psychiatrist sounds lovely. I know how important that hug is. However, if you think you will say something you shouldn't, how about writing him a letter that will get to him after you CTB?

 

[Carina]

I was wondering how you were since that had happened. Kind of made me tear up reading that.

You are the only one who will know what to do. If you do wish to CTB, but hate not having a hug from the psychiatrist, I can totally get that, I do. But, as you kind of implied/know, it could lead to you getting back in. You may always have these things there that make you wonder. It's up to you to decide if it's really what you want or not. If there's a lot of things that make you want to put it off, well, that might say something too.

But it is all your choice on when/if/how you do, literally everything.

I and the rest will support you no matter what though... so just remember that you're not really alone.

 

[goldenrods]

mail him a letter, ship it right before you ctb

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

People of exceptional integrity always feel uncomfortable lying. There is nothing wrong with that because it means you have a pure conscience. But the reality is everyone lies.

1. Calling in sick to work when you are well.
2. Saying "I'm fine." when you aren't and you just want to be left alone.
3. Telling someone that beauty is in the eye of the beholder when you don't find them attractive.
4. The list goes on...

I feel the same when I lie, however "white lies" are a part of life. You may never ever get over that feeling and that is ok.

People who are normal can see through you. They will care about you no matter what. A white lie is not going to change that. If it did the God of the earth would have set fire to us all (if you believe he/she exists.) And if you dont believe God exists then our country's leaders would have required anyone who lies be burned at the stake within each country's statute of law. As you see, neither is feasible.

One lie does not define your character, nor change who you are. Focus on your good intentions.

 

[Lotus]

Whatever you do, I wish you peace. I've also lied in the past to get out the psych ward so you're not the only one

Thank you for your comfort and support.

mail him a letter, ship it right before you ctb

Your psychiatrist sounds lovely. I know how important that hug is. However, if you think you will say something you shouldn't, how about writing him a letter that will get to him after you CTB?

Yes, my psychiatrist is really the best. I know he's also struggled in the past and considered CTB, so I know that what he's saying is not just words. I'm really thinking about writing him a letter. I'm just a little afraid that my attempt will fail, and that that the letter will be for nothing.

I was wondering how you were since that had happened. Kind of made me tear up reading that.

You are the only one who will know what to do. If you do wish to CTB, but hate not having a hug from the psychiatrist, I can totally get that, I do. But, as you kind of implied/know, it could lead to you getting back in. You may always have these things there that make you wonder. It's up to you to decide if it's really what you want or not. If there's a lot of things that make you want to put it off, well, that might say something too.

But it is all your choice on when/if/how you do, literally everything.

I and the rest will support you no matter what though... so just remember that you're not really alone.

Wow, I'm so surprised and feel so honored to be remembered by you. Thank you so much for your warmth and insight. I will take that into consideration. Thanks for the support.

People of exceptional integrity always feel uncomfortable lying. There is nothing wrong with that because it means you have a pure conscience. But the reality is everyone lies.

1. Calling in sick to work when you are well.
2. Saying "I'm fine." when you aren't and you just want to be left alone.
3. Telling someone that beauty is in the eye of the beholder when you don't find them attractive.
4. The list goes on...

I feel the same when I lie, however "white lies" are a part of life. You may never ever get over that feeling and that is ok.

People who are normal can see through you. They will care about you no matter what. A white lie is not going to change that. If it did the God of the earth would have set fire to us all (if you believe he/she exists.) And if you dont believe God exists then our country's leaders would have required anyone who lies be burned at the stake within each country's statute of law. As you see, neither is feasible.

One lie does not define your character, nor change who you are. Focus on your good intentions.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. It seems so stupid feeling so uncomfortable to lie, because I feel like it does say a lot about my character. But I will try to keep what your saying in mind, and try to get out of my head.


And over to something completely different, and really awful and shameful: The reasons of my CTB plans are complicated, but there's a handful of people that I truly blame for having to suffer so greatly that I want to CTB. I day dream about me getting rid of them with poison or a Dexter kind of way (my psychiatrist has encouraged me to have these thoughts, I would never actually have done it). It's somewhat disturbing, and at the same time making me so calm. I think my life would be manageable if these people weren't around. I know I have issues, and I know that I'm terrible at handling failure and to stand up for my self when somebody harm me, but I do genuinely blame them for me wanting to CTB. I would like to make them feel the suffering that that they made me feel, and I want them to feel responsible. I want them to feel responsible for me CTB. What a MESS I am.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. It seems so stupid feeling so uncomfortable to lie, because I feel like it does say a lot about my character. But I will try to keep what your saying in mind, and try to get out of my head.


And over to something completely different, and really awful and shameful: The reasons of my CTB plans are complicated, but there's a handful of people that I truly blame for having to suffer so greatly that I want to CTB. I day dream about me getting rid of them with poison or a Dexter kind of way (my psychiatrist has encouraged me to have these thoughts, I would never actually have done it). It's somewhat disturbing, and at the same time making me so calm. I think my life would be manageable if these people weren't around. I know I have issues, and I know that I'm terrible at handling failure and to stand up for my self when somebody harm me, but I do genuinely blame them for me wanting to CTB. I would like to make them feel the suffering that that they made me feel, and I want them to feel responsible. I want them to feel responsible for me CTB. What a MESS I am.

You can also write a note to these "a-holes" but DO NOT hit send. Go to kickboxing class and imagine beating these mofos down. All of these are healthy ways to get your frustrations out while not getting yourself in trouble, impeding your integrity or beating yourself up.

I highly recommend the note. Sooner or later you may start to develop appropriate verbiage to speak up for yourself in a healthy way (one thats acceptable to society but doesn't negatively impact your relationships.)

F them!!!

 

[134340]

I think sending a letter is a good idea, I feel like finding a good psychiatrist is so rare and if you really connect with him then I understand why his opinion matters so much to you. If you've made your decision and are firm about not wanting help, then the letter is the best thing. Also, it isn't stupid to feel bad for lying. It's just in your nature, and that makes you a better person than me. I wish you peace no matter what you decide, Lotus.

 

[Lotus]

You can also write a note to these "a-holes" but DO NOT hit send. Go to kickboxing class and imagine beating these mofos down. All of these are healthy ways to get your frustrations out while not getting yourself in trouble, impeding your integrity or beating yourself up.

I highly recommend the note. Sooner or later you may start to develop appropriate verbiage to speak up for yourself in a healthy way (one thats acceptable to society but doesn't negatively impact your relationships.)

F them!!!

Yeah, I really want to write a letter to them, but I also really want to hit send even though I know it's the worst idea ever. I know I can't do that, but I want to do it so badly. They really damaged me to the point that I don't want to live anymore, and they're just living they life as normal and not taking any responsibility. It makes me feel so worthless. But thank you for making me feel a little less crazy, and at the same time making sure that I'm not going for any hasty and stupid decisions.

I think sending a letter is a good idea, I feel like finding a good psychiatrist is so rare and if you really connect with him then I understand why his opinion matters so much to you. If you've made your decision and are firm about not wanting help, then the letter is the best thing. Also, it isn't stupid to feel bad for lying. It's just in your nature, and that makes you a better person than me. I wish you peace no matter what you decide, Lotus. ♥

Thank you so much. It means so much to me.


I've really come to appriciate each and everyone of you on SS. I'm not happy about you're suffering, but I'm happy that I've found you guys, and I wish I had found you all earlier.

 

[Despondent]

I see a lot of threads about people being admitted to a psych ward. I'm curious how some are caught in the first place? I haven't opened up about my thoughts on ctbing and is it better that I don't? I don't want to go through with the experience and am wondering.

 

[134340]

I see a lot of threads about people being admitted to a psych ward. I'm curious how some are caught in the first place? I haven't opened up about my thoughts on ctbing and is it better that I don't? I don't want to go through with the experience and am wondering.

Only you can make the call on that. Wards don't have to best reputation, but there are obviously ways to receive help without being hospitalized. It's up to you whether or not to seek it out. EDIT: this is assuming that you want help at all, of course. I'm not trying to sway you either way.

 

[Lotus]

I see a lot of threads about people being admitted to a psych ward. I'm curious how some are caught in the first place? I haven't opened up about my thoughts on ctbing and is it better that I don't? I don't want to go through with the experience and am wondering.

In my country (Norway):

Ok, so the ambulance is first contacted. They have restrictions of what they can do, so they immediately contact the police. The police then try to call you, and if you don't respond they track it. They can track it to which telephone pole (or whatever the English word is for it) it was last connected to or send an invisible message that doesn't show up on your phone. I had my phone off, so they couldn't track it. They can also track other devices (as a computer). At the same time they show up to your apartment and breaking into it if you're not opening. As I said, I wasn't in my apartment. Then they're contacting different bus companies and also searching for you on public video cameras to find you. They can also track your whereabouts by looking at your debit/credit card use.

They're also contacting your family, but if they don't know where you are it's not really helpful.

At least now I know how not to be found.

 

[jgm63]

A minor technical point : Rather than posting letters, using scheduled emails is probably better, since if for any reason you don't go through with it, then you can cancel the emails, whereas if you've posted a letter then it's too late and that letter will arrive.
Gmail has an easy built-in function to auto-schedule emails, that you can test out easily.

 

[Lotus]

A minor technical point : Rather than posting letters, using scheduled emails is probably better, since if for any reason you don't go through with it, then you can cancel the emails, whereas if you've posted a letter then it's too late and that letter will arrive.
Gmail has an easy built-in function to auto-schedule emails, that you can test out easily.

Yeah, I was thinking about that as well. Thank you for your input.

 

[jgm63]

Yeah, I was thinking about that as well. Thank you for your input.

Welcome.
Regarding the other things discussed, only you can really know if/when you are ready.
Obviously, if you could get better then I would say that would be a wonderful thing, but I don't know your situation and whether you feel as though that could be done.
But if you do decide 100% that you want to CTB, then going and telling everyone about it is probably not a great idea.....

 

[Lotus]

Thank you for every thought you all have given me in this thread. I've done a lot of thinking (and even more crying). I've decided to wait. I want to see my psychiatrist for the last time. I can't control what he will decide when I meet him that session, but based on my former hospitalizations, I know it's very likely that I will get out after a day or less anyway.

Now I just got to try and get through the days until my session. I will make use of them though. I'm starting to plan my own funeral. I've chosen two songs, one that is lovely and calm, and one that has a more happy and good vibe to it. I guess that my mother wishes to sing (as she did in her mother's funeral), so I will give her some suggestions, but I will let her have the final decision. She's the one singing, so she should feel comfortable about that. I'm also going through all the pictures from my childhood and making some sort of a video. I have not been so fond of picture taking in my teens and later on, so there's not really many grown up pictures of me. But I will try to find some that I look happy in. I have a video of me and a cat (lol) where my mother told me I look genuinely happy (so she has realised that I've been really down for a while), so I want to pick something like that out. I want to be considerate of my decisions.

I also don't want my medical records to be handed out to my family after my passing, so I have to make a doctor's appointment and tell about my wishes. Hopefully there won't be any issues with this, but I don't know if the criteria for this is strict or not.

Lots of hugs

 

[TAW122]

I can understand why, as psych wards aren't really pleasant places to be (depending on location afaik and what people have said). I would have done the same just so I can get more freedom to CTB.

@jgm63 I wouldn't really trust gmail because of Google, they may scan through any emails and/or attachments and possibly tip off any authorities to save the person. Also, I don't trust TimeCave as another user had tried it and it almost lead him into a world of trouble. I might consider LetterMeLater to do so, for the peace of mind of privacy and reliability.