I had a deeply emotional experience on a walk today that I wanted to share in hopes of sharing the comfort it gave me.
I had some papers to drop off only a mile or so away, and since it was beautiful early fall afternoon I decided to walk. The sky was radiant blue overhead, almost cloudless except for a handful of cotton balls low on the horizon to the south. It was almost late afternoon, with the sun still shining strong but the shadows lengthening little by little. The air was that perfect warmth you don't even notice against your skin, and a cool fall breeze blew through my hair.
Walking down a road with no sidewalks with Lana Del Rey playing in my headphones all the doubts and anxiety I've been struggling with melted away like tension releasing after a long day. I didn't see a single pedestrian, only the occasional car that passed like a giant, shining beetle, no trace of the driver inside. The loneliness I've felt my whole life, half of my reason to CTB, finally clicked. I'm a stranger here. Some people call it autism, others call themselves star seeds – all different ways of expressing the same thing: I fundamentally don't belong. Whatever I am, is not what the rest of the world is. So of course I am unwanted. Of course the world stays closed off to me.
Early fall has always felt mournful, like the beginning of the end. The flowers fade, the leaves begin to drop, and gradually the world fades to gray. Lana's music is also about predictable ends. All of her characters fall from grace or even die because they have to – that's the only way their stories can end. I'm finally seeing my own life this way: CTB is all it's ever led up to. Being an outcast on a dying planet in a gleefully rotting society was never a recipe for longevity. And just like that, the self-hate drained. I'm not suicidal because I'm sick, or didn't try hard enough – because lord knows I tried as hard as I could to make life work. I'm suicidal because that's the only place a journey like mine leads. The self-blame is gone too. If someone plants a peach tree in a desert, is it the tree's fault that no fruit grow?
As I walked, one foot in front of the other, feet don't fail me now, the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders lifted like the breeze carried it away. For the first time in ages, I felt light and free. I took pictures of flowers, I stopped to look at the sky and laughed aloud at how beautiful it was. The world around me started to look almost fake, like a movie set or video game where you're the only one there. A lonely walking simulator, but one I can leave behind.
Sadness, the feeling that pervades all of me, the feeling I try so hard to avoid was with me the entire time. This time, though, it wasn't the all-consuming despair I'm used to. It felt comforting, somehow. On that lonely road, in that light, with Lana, it felt right. I finally let myself feel my sadness, and feel that I wasn't wrong for feeling it. I am so, so sad for everything I missed out on and will miss out on, but I know I'm on the right track now. The only way left is forward.
I had some papers to drop off only a mile or so away, and since it was beautiful early fall afternoon I decided to walk. The sky was radiant blue overhead, almost cloudless except for a handful of cotton balls low on the horizon to the south. It was almost late afternoon, with the sun still shining strong but the shadows lengthening little by little. The air was that perfect warmth you don't even notice against your skin, and a cool fall breeze blew through my hair.
Walking down a road with no sidewalks with Lana Del Rey playing in my headphones all the doubts and anxiety I've been struggling with melted away like tension releasing after a long day. I didn't see a single pedestrian, only the occasional car that passed like a giant, shining beetle, no trace of the driver inside. The loneliness I've felt my whole life, half of my reason to CTB, finally clicked. I'm a stranger here. Some people call it autism, others call themselves star seeds – all different ways of expressing the same thing: I fundamentally don't belong. Whatever I am, is not what the rest of the world is. So of course I am unwanted. Of course the world stays closed off to me.
Early fall has always felt mournful, like the beginning of the end. The flowers fade, the leaves begin to drop, and gradually the world fades to gray. Lana's music is also about predictable ends. All of her characters fall from grace or even die because they have to – that's the only way their stories can end. I'm finally seeing my own life this way: CTB is all it's ever led up to. Being an outcast on a dying planet in a gleefully rotting society was never a recipe for longevity. And just like that, the self-hate drained. I'm not suicidal because I'm sick, or didn't try hard enough – because lord knows I tried as hard as I could to make life work. I'm suicidal because that's the only place a journey like mine leads. The self-blame is gone too. If someone plants a peach tree in a desert, is it the tree's fault that no fruit grow?
As I walked, one foot in front of the other, feet don't fail me now, the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders lifted like the breeze carried it away. For the first time in ages, I felt light and free. I took pictures of flowers, I stopped to look at the sky and laughed aloud at how beautiful it was. The world around me started to look almost fake, like a movie set or video game where you're the only one there. A lonely walking simulator, but one I can leave behind.
Sadness, the feeling that pervades all of me, the feeling I try so hard to avoid was with me the entire time. This time, though, it wasn't the all-consuming despair I'm used to. It felt comforting, somehow. On that lonely road, in that light, with Lana, it felt right. I finally let myself feel my sadness, and feel that I wasn't wrong for feeling it. I am so, so sad for everything I missed out on and will miss out on, but I know I'm on the right track now. The only way left is forward.
