I kissed my boyfriend for the last time today.

[LovelyLogick]

Today I left home to head to the hotel where I'll ctb in the coming days. It was so hard to pretend it wasn't out last kiss. I nearly cried into his arms. I love him so much and I know how much this will hurt him. Unfortunately, loving him won't end my suffering. I just wish I didn't have to hurt him in order to finally be free.

 

[hellno]

He loves you

 

[CantDoIt]

Today I left home to head to the hotel where I'll ctb in the coming days. It was so hard to pretend it wasn't out last kiss. I nearly cried into his arms. I love him so much and I know how much this will hurt him. Unfortunately, loving him won't end my suffering. I just wish I didn't have to hurt him in order to finally be free.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It can be really tough to understand the hurt that your loved ones will go through. I hope he can understand that the pain was too unbearable for you to go on and I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I relate heavily to what you wrote, OP. Leaving my person is also proving a huge block that I know I have to get over. I feel you. I hope you find the peace you seek, we are here for you if you want to update<3

 

[iamanavalanche]

i cant imagine how it will feel for me. im wishing all the best for you and your partner <3

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I understand this issue, I'm so sorry it had to come to this, sometimes I wish I weren't so selfish enough to keep them in my life knowing what my end goal is, but I get the selfishness here, and my apologies if Im coming off rude I'm not going for that but I thought I'd mention that just in case, but he loves you deeply I'm sure you know, but I understand being loved doesn't mean to be happy or to be fine,,you got no obligation to listen to anything i comment here but please do make sure this is what you want and not what you think you need, if you would like to talk to anyone I can be somone no pressure just know it's an option,
I wish you the best.

 

[magicalsarcoma]

have you discussed suicide before with your partner? i think that's the deciding factor.
When a person i loved more than life, as usual, killed themselves, i expected this, so i thought that it was probably for the best for that person, so it was good that their endless suffering was over

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I hope you find peace and good luck I also hope your partner will understand your decision eventually.

 

[imnotsurewhy]

I m sorry youre in pain.best of luck in whatever you decide is best for you i m sure your boyfriend will understand your choice.sending love

 

[milknife02]

God, I'm so sorry. I dread the day having to say goodbye to my family when I'm just going on 'vacation' but they'll never see me again. I hate the thought but its a horrific reality. I hope you find peace.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Unfortunately, loving him won't end my suffering.

I hear you on this one. I've been single for a very long time. Talked to a few men recently. My mind jumped to the future for a minute, and just for a minute there was a glimpse of hope. Hormones, meh. I remembered pretty quickly that none of those men will give my life meaning or solve my problems. Ctb is the only way for me, I am so done with this planet.

 

[LovelyLogick]

have you discussed suicide before with your partner? i think that's the deciding factor.
When a person i loved more than life, as usual, killed themselves, i expected this, so i thought that it was probably for the best for that person, so it was good that their endless suffering was over

Yes we've talked about this before. He knows I've attempted before and have been depressed most of my life. 2 months ago he saw a letter denying me a FOID card. I told him then that I applied because I wanted a gun to ctb. This won't be a surprise to him.
I feel this. I actually got with my boyfriend, in part, because I wanted someone to live for. In the end, it didn't help. This world sucks.

I hear you on this one. I've been single for a very long time. Talked to a few men recently. My mind jumped to the future for a minute, and just for a minute there was a glimpse of hope. Hormones, meh. I remembered pretty quickly that none of those men will give my life meaning or solve my problems. Ctb is the only way for me, I am so done with this planet.

God, I'm so sorry. I dread the day having to say goodbye to my family when I'm just going on 'vacation' but they'll never see me again. I hate the thought but its a horrific reality. I hope you find peace.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Just remember why your "vacation" is so important to you. I'm sure you can get through it.

 

[magicalsarcoma]

Yes we've talked about this before. He knows I've attempted before and have been depressed most of my life. 2 months ago he saw a letter denying me a FOID card. I told him then that I applied because I wanted a gun to ctb. This won't be a surprise to him.
I feel this. I actually got with my boyfriend, in part, because I wanted someone to live for. In the end, it didn't help. This world sucks.

I don't know if it's appropriate to ask this. Did you tell them directly? Like, maybe you could die in comfort and not alone, with a company of your beloved one..
I would like that myself and I would give the opportunity for such a death to those whom I liked, but who, alas, have already died

 

[ForgottenAgain]

That sounds so painful, for both of you... I'm a bit relieved that he is aware of your SI as I feel that, if he was completely unaware, I'd have encouraged you to share with him, at least a little bit.

I'm so sorry it has come to this, life shouldn't be this horrible where not even love can salvage it. I hope everything goes well for you, no matter if you choose to go or stay

 

[LovelyLogick]

I don't know if it's appropriate to ask this. Did you tell them directly? Like, maybe you could die in comfort and not alone, with a company of your beloved one..
I would like that myself and I would give the opportunity for such a death to those whom I liked, but who, alas, have already died

I told him i applied for the gun because I wanted to shoot myself. On a different occasion I told him I wish I was dead. He would never support me ctb-ing if that's what you mean.

 

[Davey40210]

Good luck.

 

[excaliboyz]

u should tell him, what ur about to do. He will be in pain if he learns about ur death afterwards regretting he wasnt able to talk with u about this before u left. What u do sounds insane. IF it was me, I'd spent a day with him, sitting somewhere in nature, and telling him all. And also making sure to him, that he isnt going to change my decision. He will or will not understand it doesnt matter, what matters is u gave him that last talk.

 

[Whale_bones]

u should tell him, what ur about to do. He will be in pain if he learns about ur death afterwards regretting he wasnt able to talk with u about this before u left. What u do sounds insane. IF it was me, I'd spent a day with him, sitting somewhere in nature, and telling him all. And also making sure to him, that he isnt going to change my decision. He will or will not understand it doesnt matter, what matters is u gave him that last talk.

So you've never had someone call the police on you after trying to have a conversation about suicide with them, huh. Yes, it would be lovely if we could all sit in nature and have last conversations with our loved ones. A huge amount of us would want that.

Unfortunately, many countries have special "mental health" statutes that allow most of a person's rights to be taken away (along with their dignity, voice and any ability to make choices that are important to them) simply on the claim that they're intending to CTB.

I'm glad for your sake that you haven't been through this, but many of us are well aware of this reality and know exactly what we risk being subjected to if we had that conversation with someone. Many of us have been pushed further towards CTB as a result of trauma and dehumanization from this process.

So telling someone "what you do sounds insane" because they're making careful decisions about who they do or don't tell (decisions which are clearly very emotionally impactful for them, as OP already expressed) comes across as ignorant, naive and judgmental. OP is completely justified in choosing who they tell and what they say, and they shouldn't be shamed for that.