i keep thinking about my childhood…

[uncat_]

i keep thinking about my childhood… and i just get so sad. about where i am now, about my trauma back then, but still wishing i was still that little girl. i want to be carefree like that again, thinking about an adult and teen life that is anything but realistic. romanticizing what my life will be like, while being in the best years of my life already. How could i anticipate all of this? i feel like a broken fucking human being, i can barely do anything. i give up every day, but still have to keep going for the people in my life.

But even as a little girl i felt this way, i really dont think ive changed from that little girl at all. i act like a child still, i function like one. i cant do shit. and all those voices of my shitty teachers and shitty parents still ring in my ears and it kills me.

what made me chink i could go to college? what made me think i could change for fucking once? i haven't changed since i was born. and i have to live with this person for the rest of my life?? god i wish i was born a different fucking person, a normal person.

but i can't die. because people love me or something. because im a pussy, honestly. i could do it if i really wanted to. GOD I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND FUNCTION PROPERLY.

i need to be fucking hospitalized but i cant be because i have tests soon, and i cant fail this quarter. or i really will killmyself, or at least live with the consequences of failure.

i need to die
im so exhausted of this live

its not just me, its though. its ugly, but couldve been so much more. we couldve been better as a species, and preserve the beauty of this world. maybe be actually be kind and stop thinking about money. i dont want to live in a world like this.

sorry for sounding like a crazy person

 

[canthaveanicelife]

we couldve been better as a species, and preserve the beauty of this world. maybe be actually be kind and stop thinking about money. i dont want to live in a world like this.

If only the world was like this. Most people often first meet alienation during a transition period from childhood to adolescence, for some, adolescence to adulthood. Instead of becoming the idealized heroes/heroines of the children's books we read, we realize we were the nameless background characters that were to only exist if the author decided we do matter to the story. But in adulthood, the one in control isn't an author—it's no one. No longer are we valued by an inherent "worth" that a protagonist of a children's show would see in background characters like us, instead, we are valued for our productivity, our "part of the whole". Fuck, we're not even treated with the dignity that comes with being a background character—at least they, at the hands of their author, are narrated with empathy, or at least some attempt at a giving of importance. No, in this "real" money-obsessed fucking world, being an unwanted, unimportant & replacable cog in the machine isn't a byproduct of the system, it's a feature and we should all just fucking accept it.