Venting I Keep Flip Flopping On CTBing

[socrates]

Sometimes I feel like I have no other choice, but to CTB. I feel like I don't deserve to recover. That my reasons are 100% rational, and mental illness plays a small role if any. Sure there may be some mental illness at play, but It doesn't matter what's done is done and I need to take responsibility and CTB.

But other times, I feel like It's ok and I can recover. That I'm really worried about nothing and that I'm a good person who deserves good things.

These days the former is a lot more common. I feel like I keep making things worse, that I can't do anything right. And If I don't act soon I may loose my opportunity later. I've already seen that kinda happen. SN seems almost impossible to get these days. Meaning I'll have to settle for a less then Ideal method. Things could easily get much worse, and I mean they already are getting worse. I can barely afford food let alone new clothes and my current clothes are falling apart. The more I think about the more I realize it's all over, but will I do it? Probably not. Uggg I hate life so much.

 

[yellowroses]

Obviously the choice is yours, but keep in mind that you can always choose to hang on just a bit longer and see what happens, once you CTB that's it, no going back. You *do* deserve to recover and have good experiences, the question is whether or not you feel like it'll be worth it to hang on until you can experience those things. Unfortunately yes, the better methods are getting harder to access, but if you aren't 100% sure I would say wait a little longer, you never know what could happen. Whatever you choose to do I sincerely wish you peace

 

[m1v]

These days the former is a lot more common. I feel like I keep making things worse, that I can't do anything right. And If I don't act soon I may loose my opportunity later

I get that so much. Sometimes I'm wondering if waiting is only going to make things worst. Like; getting locked up in a psych ward, with no methods available, or getting caught somehow during the process. Personally, waiting will either aggravate the situation or turn the tables (low probability) Seeing you're not financially stable though, that is a tough position to be in, especially if you're looking into pricy methods.

And I agree with the last part, I truly hate it too. I wish you well, stay strong, please! You got this, Sending hearts. <3

 

[Iva]

Sometimes I feel like I have no other choice, but to CTB. I feel like I don't deserve to recover. That my reasons are 100% rational, and mental illness plays a small role if any. Sure there may be some mental illness at play, but It doesn't matter what's done is done and I need to take responsibility and CTB.

But other times, I feel like It's ok and I can recover. That I'm really worried about nothing and that I'm a good person who deserves good things.

These days the former is a lot more common. I feel like I keep making things worse, that I can't do anything right. And If I don't act soon I may loose my opportunity later. I've already seen that kinda happen. SN seems almost impossible to get these days. Meaning I'll have to settle for a less then Ideal method. Things could easily get much worse, and I mean they already are getting worse. I can barely afford food let alone new clothes and my current clothes are falling apart. The more I think about the more I realize it's all over, but will I do it? Probably not. Uggg I hate life so much.

I have nothing to contribute other than saying I am on the same boat as you and you've stolen the words right out of my mouth. I'm currently eating a can of tuna because i'm too broke to afford anything else and I'm consistently going to sleep with prayers for god that he will take my with him in my sleep-- yet I seem to wake up unscathed and hungry every single day.

 

[Watlock]

Healing/Emotions/Recovery are not linear. Some days you will feel more hopeless than others. This world is completely doomed, as are we all. But I think you are good enough to recover. Good enough that when you are having the lowest of lows you can think about how it's just your emotional day, that you will wake up tomorrow and perhaps some of the sadness will subside. In my opinion, recovery for you is worth it. It seems you have a lot more to offer this world.

 

[cami]

recovery can be hard, but i've heard it is so so so worth it. you seem like you're wavering and i would urge and plead with you to try to recover. life is rough but it is also beautiful, and you seem like you can add to that beauty. please at least try, we on SS are all here for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, only you know what is best, but it must be tiring feeling trapped in that situation, existence is just too cruel and it's horrible how there's so much suffering in this world, I hate how it's this difficult to finally die.