glistetningtears
New Member
- Jul 21, 2022
- 3
I've never been in a relationship. I overall lost so many experiences bc of my mental illness. I thought my life was over so I decided to end it. I had started planning my death two/three months ago. Just totally gave up on everything. It's so much easier to let go than to try and live like this. And then, of all things, I met someone. And it made everything worse. Because now I'm actually in pain, every single day. I spend my time wishing I weren't sick. Wishing I were normal. A normal person, just a nice one, being able to be happy and create a good relationship. But no. I am fucked up. I probably have bpd, my psychiatrist approved me getting tested for it ig. And it's pure fucking pain. I met them online, I miss them every second of the day, when I don't suddenly find them revolting. They don't know how serious my illness is and I need to tell them soon. They're no stranger to suicidal people and death so there's a great chance of them leaving me. One person can only handle so much pain. Every time they start telling me how much they like me, I want to scratch my eyes out because I know it's going to end soon enough. They've made me doubt my plans but I don't know if it's enough. My life is still fucked. I won't blame them at all if they decide to take off. Then I'll surely be dead soon. But omg. Why? Why?? Why can't I be normal? I never thought of mental illness as of something bad. It's all I remember. I never hoped for anything good, always knew I'd ctb one day. But now, now I can see what I'm losing. I can see it destroying everything, step by step. It makes me sick. My meds stopped working. I just literally can't handle this. I never expected anything, I gave up. Now I have something and I don't want to be ill, I want to be normal and I can't. I'm dreading telling them. I don't know how. I am so scared they will leave. It will hurt so bad. And all of the amazing moments will be gone just like that. Imploded with truth, with who I really am. I've been delusional for this whole time, it's impossible for me to have something good. Now, my true life is catching up with me and tearing this out of my hands. I don't know what to do. I am terrified. Cheers I guess.