Venting I just wanted to say sorry.

[RetroChaos]

I really regret parting on bad terms with my ex. I kept trying to apologise and tell her I still love her but she just reported me to the police.

I'm still in love with her but I'm so heartbroken at the same time. I cannot talk to her even if I just want to say sorry. Me and my therapist both know I cannot talk to her yet deep down I cannot move on.

This is why I want to CTB so bad. I can't live with the pain of how much she hates me and how I can't have one chance to say I'm sorry and let her know that I will always love her. I don't want to move on and I hate hearing it. Yet I don't want to end up like one of these obsessive freaks online. I just want to CTB to put myself and her out of misery. Maybe she'll read my note of how I feel and how sorry I am once I'm gone. Either way I cannot hurt her anymore and I won't feel this sorrow.

I've made plans. I don't want to tell my therapist so she can't talk myself out of it. I hope the police don't find out before I can carry out my plan of jumping.

I don't want to cause anymore suffering, and even if I'll cause 'suffering' in the wake of my death, hopefully those I leave behind will understand my reasons and know I won't be suffering anymore.

I don't know what I'm seeking from this post. I drink a lot to bury the pain but I've just had a very stressful day at work so my desire to CTB has manifested ten-fold and I've hit the hard stuff.

I guess I'm just looking forward to finally jumping this year soon, and to vent the pain about my ex-girlfriend. I just miss her so much.

I'm so sorry for everything Jessica.

 

[june]

You are doing your best

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry that you are in this situation, I can imagine that it must be painful and devastating. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[june]

Hope this can be a place for you to blow off some steam. It is rough

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I really regret parting on bad terms with my ex. I kept trying to apologise and tell her I still love her but she just reported me to the police.

I'm still in love with her but I'm so heartbroken at the same time. I cannot talk to her even if I just want to say sorry. Me and my therapist both know I cannot talk to her yet deep down I cannot move on.

This is why I want to CTB so bad. I can't live with the pain of how much she hates me and how I can't have one chance to say I'm sorry and let her know that I will always love her. I don't want to move on and I hate hearing it. Yet I don't want to end up like one of these obsessive freaks online. I just want to CTB to put myself and her out of misery. Maybe she'll read my note of how I feel and how sorry I am once I'm gone. Either way I cannot hurt her anymore and I won't feel this sorrow.

I've made plans. I don't want to tell my therapist so she can't talk myself out of it. I hope the police don't find out before I can carry out my plan of jumping.

I don't want to cause anymore suffering, and even if I'll cause 'suffering' in the wake of my death, hopefully those I leave behind will understand my reasons and know I won't be suffering anymore.

I don't know what I'm seeking from this post. I drink a lot to bury the pain but I've just had a very stressful day at work so my desire to CTB has manifested ten-fold and I've hit the hard stuff.

I guess I'm just looking forward to finally jumping this year soon, and to vent the pain about my ex-girlfriend. I just miss her so much.

I'm so sorry for everything Jessica.

She will not feel sorry. You'll be gone and she'll breathe easier. She won't read your note and even if she did, hurting her on your way out is not acceptable.

There is no reason to try for one more chance. One chance is never enough. There will always be something you didn't say, something more you could explain, you could try harder to make her understand, and on and on...

Cold turkey is the only way to go. No contact. None. It's what she needs - and the person who needs less gets to decide.

I'm sorry. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. It sucks, It hurts. I know, I've been there.

If you're really thinking of ending your life, please be sure this isn't the reason. Revenge suicides do not work, would be cruel and manipulative even if they did, and ultimately just make you look nuts.

 

[june]

I used to take a day or 2 and rent a hotel room or airbnb to blow off steam and get out of the house. I think its like mini vacation. You try it?

 

[YourNeighbor]

Was she your first serious relationship?

 

[lili]

I'm so sorry your going through this. Loving someone requires so much energy, and it can deeply wound you if it goes wrong.

It's even more hurtful how adamant she is with rejecting you.

I feel like I always get myself in intense love relationships. A lot of the cases when I've tried to CBT has been related to failed attempts at seeking love. I feel stupid a lot of the times at how easily I give in to feelings of love, but i forget a lot of people don't experience emotions as intense as I do.

But it's miserable when all of those attempts fail, because then they find out I did it for them obviously and it makes things so much worse. They hate me even more and want nothing to do with me. Block me on all capacities and then there really is no chance.


From the experiences, I've learned to just be the first person to block someone as soon as I feel these intense emotions of love, knowing that I always end up hurting people, so that way they don't hurt.

It's painful to move on, and that's why I am on this website, because I am tired of being what I am and hurting people and moving on. Right now I am trying to move on from two different people at the same time.

I wish you the best and hope you can find peace in your situation.

 

[LoneMisery]

Ive been heavily drinking myself. I feel so much happier when i start but when i kno ive had enough snd time to go home it all turns dark. Nothing can pull me out of that spot

 

[waitingforrest]

Same here, just randomly bumped into someone from the past. I could see the pure disgust on their face, the hate in their eyes as we walked past.

I am over them but, it hurts. It hurts to see someone I cared about treat me like strangers. It wasn't even the face that they made that hurt me, it was the fact that they walked the furthest possible distance from me. Like I was some kind of disease.

I wish it didn't turn out this way. The pain hurts. But I have accepted that they don't care. I hope you feel a bit better, breakups are heartbreaking.

Moving on is hard, I still haven't even though it's been years.

 

[RetroChaos]

Was she your first serious relationship?

Yes, 9 years. We got together when we were 12.

She was there through me when I first got in trouble with the law.

I suffer with BPD so I blew hot and cold a lot and I was very impulsive, but I didn't know at the time. I can recognise it now and I can manage it a lot better. I worry a lot of my past actions could be misconstrued as gaslighting or manipulative but I swear I wasn't trying to be like that.

She's one of these 'influencers' too which made me jealous of the attention she was getting.

We had a big argument and she finally broke up with me. I had an engagement ring ready for her...

 

[...]

I really regret parting on bad terms with my ex. I kept trying to apologise and tell her I still love her but she just reported me to the police.

I'm still in love with her but I'm so heartbroken at the same time. I cannot talk to her even if I just want to say sorry. Me and my therapist both know I cannot talk to her yet deep down I cannot move on.

This is why I want to CTB so bad. I can't live with the pain of how much she hates me and how I can't have one chance to say I'm sorry and let her know that I will always love her. I don't want to move on and I hate hearing it. Yet I don't want to end up like one of these obsessive freaks online. I just want to CTB to put myself and her out of misery. Maybe she'll read my note of how I feel and how sorry I am once I'm gone. Either way I cannot hurt her anymore and I won't feel this sorrow.

I've made plans. I don't want to tell my therapist so she can't talk myself out of it. I hope the police don't find out before I can carry out my plan of jumping.

I don't want to cause anymore suffering, and even if I'll cause 'suffering' in the wake of my death, hopefully those I leave behind will understand my reasons and know I won't be suffering anymore.

I don't know what I'm seeking from this post. I drink a lot to bury the pain but I've just had a very stressful day at work so my desire to CTB has manifested ten-fold and I've hit the hard stuff.

I guess I'm just looking forward to finally jumping this year soon, and to vent the pain about my ex-girlfriend. I just miss her so much.

I'm so sorry for everything Jessica.

i am so sorry. i too am in a similar situation. i am still so heartbroken after such a long time and the longer i have stayed here the more ive turned the person i love to furiously hate me. i didn't do enough in the moment and im now paying the consequences. i was not good enough and my failings were another man's gain.

had i ctb immediately i might have departed with a little bit of love left in her heart but now through my own terrible disgusting sub-human behaviour by persistent online harrasment ive managed to bring her to the point where i now have a no contact agreement in place. i'm everything i never thought i'd be, a person i would laugh at it in pity.

oh emily i am so terribly sorry. my admiration for you is no excuse for my behaviour and you do not have to feel guilty for not feeling the same level of devastation. as pathetic as it sounds life is just not worth living without you.

 

[Red Scare]

I am so sorry you guys are going through this... I sometimes forget because of my loss, that people grieve even when a person hasn't died, but they grieve the loss of relationship, and what could have been, the future that will never be. It's very similar to losing someone to death. I guess the only difference is the possibility always exists in some small capacity that you will talk again and reconcile. I would give anything for the chance to talk to my love, one last time... considering the last time I didn't even get the chance to say I love you, you mean everything to me...

 

[...]

I am so sorry you guys are going through this... I sometimes forget because of my loss, that people grieve even when a person hasn't died, but they grieve the loss of relationship, and what could have been, the future that will never be. It's very similar to losing someone to death. I guess the only difference is the possibility always exists in some small capacity that you will talk again and reconcile. I would give anything for the chance to talk to my love, one last time... considering the last time I didn't even get the chance to say I love you, you mean everything to me...

it's experiencing all the same effects of grieve yet knowing theoretically they could still see you again, that they are out their living their life. and it's that contradiction that hurts so so much.