I just want someone to let me love them

[carnalsanders]

I've long lost the desire to be loved. Not emotionally, I think as a human being that primal desire to be held, protected and understood will always be there but in a realistic sense - I don't believe I am loveable. It's nothing to do with looks, I'm alright looking. I'm not a 10 or anything but I'm alright by what I gather from people (I always deduct a couple points from what people award me. People are largely pleasant if you let them)...but anyway, this post isn't about my looks - What I mean is, I know there is something about my personality that makes me impossible to be fall in love with. I've also given up trying to find out what that is because I have exhausted all possibilities and I was always wrong. Like a kid stuck on a PS1 level long before online walkthroughs were a thing. I don't know where the fucking Egyptian ankh is that opens the door to the artefact and I've walked around this level a hundred times and I just don't give a fuck anymore - fuck this game and fuck this console and just fuck it all to hell.

That's fine. Letting go of that. It was hard but I've done it. What I can't seem to let go of is my desire to fall in love with someone new and be able to love and protect them. I miss that so much. I'm terrified of it ever happening again because I honestly don't think my heart can take another heartbreak but that feeling is the best thing I ever felt and I want to feel it again before I die.

The thought of dying knowing that I belong to no one, that no romantic relation will attend my funeral because I wasn't good enough to pick someone decent or keep the good one (there was only one good one) around...It makes me feel like a failure.

And I am a failure. By my estimation anyway. And that's the only estimation I ever consider because I don't believe people when they tell me things. At least not usually. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I have been loved and allowed to love more than I will ever know because I think truths are lies and lies are the status quo.

If I die and there's something on the other side and nobody on the other side to love, I will never forgive myself.

If I live and allow myself to become an old man devoid of spirit I will also never forgive myself.

 

[insanedoomer]

SO you need to love , and be loved is that right ?

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I'm a failure too. I used to have so much love within me, but there was never anyone who wanted it. I've been denied this basic human experience, and knowing that I'll die without ever having loved or been loved is deeply painful.

I hope you will find someone to love as I could tell from the way you write about it that it's important to you.

 

[All an illusion]

I've long lost the desire to be loved. Not emotionally, I think as a human being that primal desire to be held, protected and understood will always be there but in a realistic sense - I don't believe I am loveable. It's nothing to do with looks, I'm alright looking. I'm not a 10 or anything but I'm alright by what I gather from people (I always deduct a couple points from what people award me. People are largely pleasant if you let them)...but anyway, this post isn't about my looks - What I mean is, I know there is something about my personality that makes me impossible to be fall in love with. I've also given up trying to find out what that is because I have exhausted all possibilities and I was always wrong. Like a kid stuck on a PS1 level long before online walkthroughs were a thing. I don't know where the fucking Egyptian ankh is that opens the door to the artefact and I've walked around this level a hundred times and I just don't give a fuck anymore - fuck this game and fuck this console and just fuck it all to hell.

That's fine. Letting go of that. It was hard but I've done it. What I can't seem to let go of is my desire to fall in love with someone new and be able to love and protect them. I miss that so much. I'm terrified of it ever happening again because I honestly don't think my heart can take another heartbreak but that feeling is the best thing I ever felt and I want to feel it again before I die.

The thought of dying knowing that I belong to no one, that no romantic relation will attend my funeral because I wasn't good enough to pick someone decent or keep the good one (there was only one good one) around...It makes me feel like a failure.

And I am a failure. By my estimation anyway. And that's the only estimation I ever consider because I don't believe people when they tell me things. At least not usually. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe I have been loved and allowed to love more than I will ever know because I think truths are lies and lies are the status quo.

If I die and there's something on the other side and nobody on the other side to love, I will never forgive myself.

If I live and allow myself to become an old man devoid of spirit I will also never forgive myself.

I'm sorry you feel that way....just remember that you're loved on this end...

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Also having lack of love problems over here. Trying out various patterns of thinking to deal with it, nothing works since it looks like it's a fundamental need we're trying to bypass. The way forward might be to crash into the pain rather than to escape from it. Then there's of course mindfulness and clearly observing sensations as they arise (but that requires effort ).

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

My situation is similar. However, I try not to torture myself with the awareness of failure. I realized that every generation in every historical epoch contained some percentage of people who failed their lives. Apparently, statistically, someone had to get it. You can compare this feeling with a relief of battle-loser in the morning after capitulation.

I've gotten huge relief and even joy from this approach a few times. This is more aimed at feelings of failure and inferiority rather than skin-hunger or a related lack of intimacy, surrendering to that--like with hunger or thirst--requires something more.

 

[carnalsanders]

SO you need to love , and be loved is that right ?

I honestly don't know sometimes. I go back and forth on it. It would be nice to feel loved again but mostly I just want someone to love.

I'm a failure too. I used to have so much love within me, but there was never anyone who wanted it. I've been denied this basic human experience, and knowing that I'll die without ever having loved or been loved is deeply painful.

I hope you will find someone to love as I could tell from the way you write about it that it's important to you.

I'm sorry you feel that way....just remember that you're loved on this end...

Thanks guys! It's funny...I have experienced real love. Real, we would take a bullet for each other without hesitation type of love. Only once in my life but still...whenever I hear somebody wish for that, even though I too wish for it, I can't help but hope they realise how much it hurts when it ends. Nothing has ever brought me so much happiness and nothing has ever hurt me so deeply. It's a risk that had I known existed, I would've had to seriously consider walking into. No amount of explanation can prepare you for what that kind of loss feels like. Some people say it's like a death but I found it much different. Dead people don't go on to fulfill their dreams without you.

Also having lack of love problems over here. Trying out various patterns of thinking to deal with it, nothing works since it looks like it's a fundamental need we're trying to bypass. The way forward might be to crash into the pain rather than to escape from it. Then there's of course mindfulness and clearly observing sensations as they arise (but that requires effort ).

Is it terrible that I feel way too busy to crash into the pain right now? Not that making the time for it is something to look forward to but honestly if I did that right now, I don't know when I'd get back up, and I'm barely up as it is. I'm sure many here can relate. The feeling of just making it through life, walking the line so thinly that one slip and you sink to a place you don't have the energy to crawl out of.

 

[ClairyFairy]

Maybe if you weren't so into yourself other people might find you more attractive?? If you're seriously saying that your whole life comes down to if you have someone you were romantically involved with at your funeral then you need to up your game and make it a about them not you

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Real, we would take a bullet for each other without hesitation type of love.

You'd have no problem finding that type of love here, I guarantee it.

 

[Unlucked]

Tfw no protective bf to protecc till death do you part. I honestly thought I had that kind of love with my ex, he preached about dying for me and stuff, then he turned out to be a massive coomer/sex addict and he was secretly cheating the whole relationship. But like damn if there's guys out there who will love you through any difficulty props to them, that's true love right there. Although some people would say that kind of self sacrificial love is toxic, and is a breeding grounds for narcissists to take advantage of you. So do tread with caution if you do get into a relationship, and make sure the person you love will give you that back in equal measures. I read your post and thought that you sounded alot like I used to be, but honestly that kind of flowery idea of love is nice in theory but unrealistic. Careful of the narccisists who prey on people who have ideas of love like that, they will milk you dry either emotionally or financially or physically (sex related stuff).

 

[PapaSuicide]

Me too!!!!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Same...

 

[Mohkinstsis_falls]

Honestly, i've never related harder.

I think the way i deal with that feeling is to project that love and positivity outwards, i guess in the hopes that it comes back to me.

 

[naiad]

The thought of dying knowing that I belong to no one, that no romantic relation will attend my funeral because I wasn't good enough to pick someone decent or keep the good one (there was only one good one) around...It makes me feel like a failure.

Ohh I feel you. Send big hugs.

 

[StringPuppet]

I kind of wish I could not care about love at all. I hate how something supposedly so amazing can also become the source of so much grief for so many people, like for people who can't find love, people who are stuck in bad relationships with someone they once loved, people who are heartbroken, etc etc.