I don't know what has happened to me over the past few years. I started life out so happy; I did well in school, I had friends, everything was so perfect. Then the bad thoughts started and I just started losing my grip on everything. It feels like I lost the person I was gradually over the years. I lost my skills in school and faded into obscurity in teachers eyes, my friends all clearly saw me as an afterthought, I was getting more and more sucked down a dark path. But no-one would believe any of that because I don't seem like I'd feel this way. I started watching some really immoral stuff to punish myself, I'm self destructive on a really awful path.
Now at this point of my life, I'm going out way too often and just drinking away to feel something. My friends don't understand fully what I'm feeling and just say I should cut down my drinking as if that'll make anything better - drinking makes me feel anything which is so depressing. The last little bit I've been meeting up with men twice my age for stuff and I'm honestly just feeling like a prostitute. Every part of my life is controlled by someone else, whether that is people nagging for me to do work, the inability to get out of here due to the pressures everyone puts on me or me just trying to do what other people want me to do.
I just want to do something that I'm fully in control of, and I don't know how to do that. I can't fight this crushing pressure by just standing up to others because I'll always be crushed again and then lose control. I just want it all to stop. But I don't feel powerful enough to stop anything, or fight for anything. I feel like I'm stuck because I'm knocked down so easily. If I could fight the fear I'd end things but I don't think I'm strong enough to.
Now at this point of my life, I'm going out way too often and just drinking away to feel something. My friends don't understand fully what I'm feeling and just say I should cut down my drinking as if that'll make anything better - drinking makes me feel anything which is so depressing. The last little bit I've been meeting up with men twice my age for stuff and I'm honestly just feeling like a prostitute. Every part of my life is controlled by someone else, whether that is people nagging for me to do work, the inability to get out of here due to the pressures everyone puts on me or me just trying to do what other people want me to do.
I just want to do something that I'm fully in control of, and I don't know how to do that. I can't fight this crushing pressure by just standing up to others because I'll always be crushed again and then lose control. I just want it all to stop. But I don't feel powerful enough to stop anything, or fight for anything. I feel like I'm stuck because I'm knocked down so easily. If I could fight the fear I'd end things but I don't think I'm strong enough to.
