Venting I just feel like the only way out of my pain and problem is through committing suicide.

[nitrogenous]

Hello everyone,

I used to be quite active in the forum a month back and was even able to somehow convince my brain that I can recover and get help. I found SaSu really helpful and I really appreciate everyone's help. However, because my best friend knew about it, she gave me the ultimatum that I had to get off the website to remain in contact with her. It was such a hard decision as she is my only network and is in fact, my emergency contact.

At first, I obviously didn't want our friendship to end, so I complied with her conditions, however lately, I've been feeling that I'm about to end my life anyways and I would love to reconnect with the people here.

A lot of things have happened to me this past month, first of all, I have received my SN (50g) which would be enough for my plan + backup shot. I have only been able to keep myself safe as I've been heavily distracting myself and sabotaging myself using other ways that would eventually lead to me feeling horrible and wanting to end everything.

There's really no hope for me anymore, I've just lost my only protective factor, which was work, as someone reported to my workplace that I was manic when I was on shift. This simply wasn't true at all, as it was just hours after I ordered the means (they don't know this) and being accused of mania when I wasn't have impacted me in a way where I couldn't feel happy anymore at all (anhedonia). This not only challenges me emotionally, but also financially as this was my only source of income.

Moving forward, with 0 income, I'm going to go back to my old state in which I'm going to be financially incapable of keeping up with my expenses. Historically, when this happened to me, I resorted in attempting suicide, but due to my lack of knowledge and impulsiveness, I survived. Even back then, I wasn't able to get any help at all. Trying to get financial aid only results in me being "not vulnerable enough" and asking my GP and hospital to help dispense my meds only led to refusals, as if they expected me to not only starve and be homeless, but also have crazy withdrawal effects from my meds.

I really think that I'm not being taken seriously by anyone and that perhaps, they are taking my gesture of wanting to end my life as a threat or even worse, a sarcastic joke. I confronted this to my GP, only for her to say "is it because you're not in hospital, because we're not sending you to the ambulance a lot". That just triggered my anger as it's not like I want to be hospitalised, I just want people to actually care about me and help me when I needed help (not just with their words saying they are there for me, but with their gestures or actions).

She even confronted me several times as to why I haven't taken my means yet, as if I have to keep on giving her a valid reason to not take it. With my personality of how I always tend to go to great lengths to prove people wrong, this made me think that I should just end it all to prove that I'm being serious about wanting to end my pain and suffering.

I really do want to end it all, but I'm afraid of failing as I always do, of not having enough preparations (I'm on weekly supply and getting meds for the SN protocol would be extremely hard) and on top of it of the pain. I know some people who survived reported minimal pain, but then what about the people who was close to dying or actually died? Did they also experience minimal pain? I also am very prone to puking and as far as I can do, I can only get Ondansetron for it and Diazepam/Quetiapine for the other meds. I'm also starting my masters in two weeks time, and I feel like I need to give it a go before ending my life… although still, it wouldn't solve any of the problems and pain I have currently, if any would just add to the stress and fear of failure academically.

I'm not sure what to do, I just wanted to vent and would love if I could get any response just to see other people's thoughts and perspective.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I'm sorry about all this. From having your friend give you an ultimatum and you having to yield because your social support system consists solely of her to losing your job because of allegations about your performance that were not true to just being in a sort of Norman's land where you can't get the support you deserve and are left by the wayside.

I understand the desire to be taken seriously but don't center your motivations for suicide in other people.

There is an ocean of content to look up regarding SN to come to your own conclusions.

But it seems worthwhile to make a go of getting your masters.

 

[nitrogenous]

T

I'm sorry about all this. From having your friend give you an ultimatum and you having to yield because your social support system consists solely of her to losing your job because of allegations about your performance that were not true to just being in a sort of Norman's land where you can't get the support you deserve and are left by the wayside.

I understand the desire to be taken seriously but don't center your motivations for suicide in other people.

There is an ocean of content to look up regarding SN to come to your own conclusions.

But it seems worthwhile to make a go of getting your masters.

Thank you so much for the insight! I think it is true, right now I'm mainly furious about everything and I think of suicide of more of a revenge, but again I guess I should think more about me and not be too blinded by what others think or say. I do really wish there's hope in the future and that I can live a good life, but for that to happen I suppose I have to endure everything now and maybe reassess in the near future once I really have lost all motivation and purely want to end my life because of me, to get myself the peace I deserve.