I just do'nt know how to be happy.

[continuing]

I guess that the biggest thing for me right now, is that I just don't know how to get rid of the bad feelings, not even sadness, but anxiety, depression, feeling off and so on, it's like my brain was made for making me feel sad.

The funny thing is, I don't have anything to be sad about in reality, I have a job, my life is tranquil, I even got my boyfriend who I know loves me,but my brain just keeps going in the wrong direction.
Like for my boyfriend for exemple, i know i like him, i know i would be happy with him, but theres this other guy i keep thinking about it, he doesnt like me, i know that, i even know he has a crush for someone else, but even with that my brain just dont see it, you know, i feel so bad and ashamed of myself for even thinking about this, and is just one of the examples of those things i do, just to keep me down, like i wished for so long to someone to love me, and know that i have, my brain do this.

At this point i think i just need to accept the reality that I can't be happy, or that at least i dont have any idea how to be happy, i keep looking forward and i just see me being bad at the end, and if is to be like that, i guess i would just cut it off as soon as i can, like i actually prefer taking away the chance i have to be happy in the future, just not to risk myself being miserable.

Right now i would kmyelf, i just don't do it cause i don't have anything that does this instantly yet, i keep thinking about my boyfriend, poor of him, but at the same time, there's no much things in my life i like that just makes me want to continue, sometimes i think i just not fit to be a human being.

 

[nicotineinvestor]

I feel like this on and off too. I've stopped judging my brain for making me have feelings for other people than my partner. That's just how it works, it's mysterious, and that's just how it is. I just live the fantasies in my dreams, and then wake up to kiss my partner, whom I wouldn't trade for anybody. I'm also struggling with feeling genuine feelings of happiness, but for me it's the whole emotional spectrum. I just don't feel much anymore, because I've been dissociating through life. But I'm working on it, and try to let myself be in my body through the itty bitty sensations of emotions that slip from my giant protective wall.

 

[continuing]

I feel like this on and off too. I've stopped judging my brain for making me have feelings for other people than my partner. That's just how it works, it's mysterious, and that's just how it is. I just live the fantasies in my dreams, and then wake up to kiss my partner, whom I wouldn't trade for anybody. I'm also struggling with feeling genuine feelings of happiness, but for me it's the whole emotional spectrum. I just don't feel much anymore, because I've been dissociating through life. But I'm working on it, and try to let myself be in my body through the itty bitty sensations of emotions that slip from my giant protective wall.

Thanks for the reply, sorry you've to endure this feeling as well it sucks, my biggest fear is just waking up in the future, looking back in all the oportunuties i had to be happy that i let away, and just realizing i am still feel bad and now is too late, like i said i prefer ending now than risking, is just too much

 

[Celerity]

It is very hard to let go of something we want but can't have, especially when that something is a someone.