I hope when I die she feels how I felt when she left, and I hate myself for it

[everlastinghistory]

I hope when I die she cries the way I cried for her. That she wishes it was all a nightmare and she could wake up and everything would be normal again. That she cries to the point of throwing up within 15 minutes of waking up in the morning. That she can't function in daily life properly because all she can think about is the regret and pain she's feeling. I hope she wishes she never abandoned me. That she cries every night wishing I could come back. I hope she spends hours staring at walls mumbling that she wants me back and she wishes she never said any of the things she said in our last conversation. I hope she feels the exact same fucking pain I felt and still feel because of her.

I know I shouldn't wish this on her. This feeling is pure torture and I love her more than anything. The idea of her experiencing it hurts me but at the same time I want her to understand what she put me through. Obviously I don't want her to be in pain. I just want her to understand. I want her to get it. For her to experience it. To know it's not just losing someone random. It's everything. I want her to realize how much it really hurts.

I hate myself for it but I can't help it. I want her to understand. I want her to feel what I felt. For her to suffer the way I have. To realize the feelings she really caused.

It's cruel and I hate that I would wish something like that on her… But I really can't help it. There will always be a part of me that wants her to suffer the way I have. There is also a part of me that is a lot more significant and wants her to be really fucking happy without me. But I can't help but also hope she feels how I felt when she left…

 

[gizzreid]

i feel the exact same way. i secretly hope that him not being able to tell me anything (because i am dead) hurts him as much as me not being able to tell him anything (because he ghosted me) feels. i hate myself for thinking this way too, as angry and emotional as i am right now towards him i know he doesn't deserve the pain he's going to feel soon because of me, but i also subconsciously want him to feel it.