I have two days left

[kittycat089bunny]

I can't take this anymore, so I've finally come to the decision of taking my own life. I've finally accepted this choice, even though it's been so hard.
I don't want to die, but I can't go on living like this anymore so my only option is to ctb.
I hate that this is happening when I'm so young. I hate everything that has happened to me. I just hate this life. I can't wait to be free and finally at peace.

 

[randomz]

I know how you feel, as I am kinda in the same spot but could you explain a little more what led you to this point? Or if you want to talk to someone (which actually helps) you can always PM me.

 

[Jean4]

We aren't trying to stop you, and are here for you. Do you want to talk about what is going on?

 

[kittycat089bunny]

I know how you feel, as I am kinda in the same spot but could you explain a little more what led you to this point? Or if you want to talk to someone (which actually helps) you can always PM me.

Thank you. I'll sum up my story. Some major contributors are:
•homeless age 10 & 16
•having an alcoholic, emotionally abusive mother
•sexually assaulted twice age 11
•witnessed a lot of domestic violence between my brother & mother's boyfriend and mother & step dad
•lived in a house full of alcohol domestic violence from 2016-2017
•dealt with my stepdad having cancer and him passing away this year
•severely bullied from ages 12-14
•diagnosed with PTSD, depression & anxiety
•no one taking me seriously (especially mother, but it's too late now)
•living in poverty my whole life

a few other things too. All of that happened and I'm only 18. My whole life has been taken away from me because people couldn't control themselves. Everything from the past has messed me up and I can't handle it anymore. I can't do anything. I can't sleep or eat or function normally. All I think about is suicide and I want to end it already to make everything go away.

 

[Starrywaters]

I'm so very sorry that you weren't afforded with better circumstances. Every one of the contributing factors are difficult to deal with even in isolation - you are incredibly strong to have endured them all.

Nobody is here to talk you out of your decision but we are here to listen, support you and allow you the space to make your own choices.

If you do go ahead with your plans remember that you don't need to be alone; you can start a thread here and we can talk to you and not let you be by yourself if that's something that would be helpful to you.

 

[Apathy79]

Hypothetically, if you were to somehow get a job and move out of that house, would you still want to ctb?

18 is so young - there's so much that can change and so fast. My 18yo self is virtually unrecognisable from the person I am now, and statistically I've still got half my life to go. It sounds like your childhood has been terrible, particularly from 11 on, but I just wonder if you could somehow extricate yourself from that place whether there would be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

Hypothetically, if you were to somehow get a job and move out of that house, would you still want to ctb?

18 is so young - there's so much that can change and so fast. My 18yo self is virtually unrecognisable from the person I am now, and statistically I've still got half my life to go. It sounds like your childhood has been terrible, particularly from 11 on, but I just wonder if you could somehow extricate yourself from that place whether there would be light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that 18 is really young. I hate how I'm so young and thinking about this. Moving out is not a possibility at all. Not for another 2 and a half years anyway. I can't wait that long. The past haunts me every single day. I've lived enough of life to know that it's not for me.

 

[Apathy79]

I don't know what to say. I just want to give you a hug and cry it out with you.

The situation sucks really beyond what I can imagine. What gives me hope is you don't want to die, you've been so strong so far, and I've seen people your age in horrific circumstances turn it around.

But everyone has their breaking point. Whatever path you choose, we'll love and support you through it.

 

[Jean4]

I'm not trying to stop you. I just wanted to say, I relate. I have the majority of things you had. My sexual abuse was at age 4 and he gave me a sexually transmitted disease.

As I said. I'm 51 and have been where you are. If you want to talk, I am here. If you do choose to follow through, let us know please so we can be there for you with love.

 

[Sensei]

I can't take this anymore, so I've finally come to the decision of taking my own life. I've finally accepted this choice, even though it's been so hard.
I don't want to die, but I can't go on living like this anymore so my only option is to ctb.
I hate that this is happening when I'm so young. I hate everything that has happened to me. I just hate this life. I can't wait to be free and finally at peace.

Do you have any relatives living somewhere else? If you are not allowed to move, maybe you could run away? If death is your only other choice, you have nothing to lose.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

Do you have any relatives living somewhere else? If you are not allowed to move, maybe you could run away? If death is your only other choice, you have nothing to lose.

nope basically everyone on my dads side isn't here anymore, and my mums side hate us. I honesty would run away if I had the money to, but I'm so poor that I can't even afford food, let alone running away somewhere. It is just a tough situation.


thank you to everyone who has replied so far. It is comforting to know that I am not alone right now

I'm not trying to stop you. I just wanted to say, I relate. I have the majority of things you had. My sexual abuse was at age 4 and he gave me a sexually transmitted disease.

As I said. I'm 51 and have been where you are. If you want to talk, I am here. If you do choose to follow through, let us know please so we can be there for you with love.

thank you so much. I appreciate you being so kind

 

[BPD_LE]

What country are you from @kittycat089bunny There may be charities that can help you out of your current housing situation.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

What country are you from @kittycat089bunny There may be charities that can help you out of your current housing situation.

I'm from the U.K.

 

[Ark]

I am so sorry for what you have endured. It is a testament to how strong you are that you made it this far and are able to share your story with us.

Whenever someone says they don't want to die it makes me wish I had the means to help them somehow. Can I ask why you can't move out for so long?

 

[Sensei]

thank you to everyone who has replied so far. It is comforting to know that I am not alone right now ❤

You know, there are many clever people here. Talk to them and I'm sure they will find a solution for you.

I'm from the U.K.

Now, I'm not from the UK, but surely NHS must have some kind of social support service?

 

[BPD_LE]

I'm from the U.K.

Then there are definitely charities that can help you if you reach out to them. I can PM you some info if you like. I've been in a similar situation to you and people helped me get out and eventually get a place of my own. It may give you more space emotionally to assess what you want to do.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

I am so sorry for what you have endured. It is a testament to how strong you are that you made it this far and are able to share your story with us.

Whenever someone says they don't want to die it makes me wish I had the means to help them somehow. Can I ask why you can't move out for so long?

well I live in poverty, so I could never have the money to move out myself. I can't juggle a job and college. I have had to drop a subject at college, and I have to retake the whole year next September. That would mean I would be in college from now-September 2021. In 2021 I could go to uni and move out. Until then, I don't think it could happen.

 

[Hunter100]

well I live in poverty, so I could never have the money to move out myself. I can't juggle a job and college. I have had to drop a subject at college, and I have to retake the whole year next September. That would mean I would be in college from now-September 2021. In 2021 I could go to uni and move out. Until then, I don't think it could happen.

Since you're 18 can you apply for some government assistance? If you can call a social worker they can maybe provide you with some help. I'm pro choice BUT considering your age and the fact that you haven't been able to see what life could be like if you got away from the situation you're in and got some therapy.... you could have a chance. Just please look at your options before you chose something so permanent. If you need any help finding services I would be happy to give you some information or help you find some. Sometimes in life we are too beaten down to help ourselves and need a little support and push. Whatever you decide I hope you can get some peace.

 

[Moonicide]

Like many people have said, please look into resources before going down the ctb route if possible. I am so sorry all of this happened to you at such a young age, love. I can relate to that a lot and I hate how much it breaks us... It's one of the many reasons why this forum exists. But if you find yourself still thinking about life, wondering what if, then please see it through before ctbing. Whatever you choose in the end, we will be here to support you, validate, and listen to your story and experiences.

Sending you all the love I have, hugs included.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

Thank you everyone. May I ask why I should so strongly reconsider ctb as I'm young? Someone who is 20, 30, 40, 50 or even 50+ could still have so many years left. I just feel like I've been through enough trauma to last me a lifetime, and in my 18 years of life I can tell that it isn't for me. Of course there are some parts that I enjoy, but the emotional pain and baggage is too much for me to handle and I feel death is my only option

 

[Ark]

This is just my opinion. I believe it is each person's choice no matter what. And I support that completely. But, I also believe that if there is any chance at all of finding a way to diminish one's pain, or to enjoy life, then those options should be considered heavily. And given a chance to flourish even. Life is a one chance thing, if there is a chance to enjoy it why not try? Once again this is just my personal opinion. I support each person's right to choose no matter what.

 

[6ixxy]

Would you mind if I PM'ed you? I'd like to try and help in any way possible.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

Would you mind if I PM'ed you? I'd like to try and help in any way possible.

I messaged you

 

[c824767]

Thank you everyone. May I ask why I should so strongly reconsider ctb as I'm young? Someone who is 20, 30, 40, 50 or even 50+ could still have so many years left. I just feel like I've been through enough trauma to last me a lifetime, and in my 18 years of life I can tell that it isn't for me. Of course there are some parts that I enjoy, but the emotional pain and baggage is too much for me to handle and I feel death is my only option

I think the pressure from college adds to your trauma....

 

[kittycat089bunny]

I think the pressure from college adds to your trauma....

perhaps yes. I've dropped one subject, and if I'm alive next September then I would be retaking all 3 subjects. I haven't been for about 2.5 months though because my mental health is so bad and I can't cope with college right now. As it currently stands, it looks like I'm never going back.

 

[c824767]

maybe try these people. https://papyrus-uk.org/

no one wants this to happen: https://www.theguardian.com/educati...icise-bristol-university-over-student-suicide

 

[Sensei]

May I ask why I should so strongly reconsider ctb as I'm young? Someone who is 20, 30, 40, 50 or even 50+ could still have so many years left.

Because it's easier to change your life when you're young than when you're old, and because you don't have much life experience yet and might make a rash decision.

 

[kittycat089bunny]

well I've messed up a bit. Earlier I was going to book a hotel stay for 2 nights to do it but I forgot until now, but just as I was going to do it now the prices have gone way up. Now I'm either going to have to find a different hotel, pay the expensive price or do it somewhere like a forest. Sigh.

 

[Sensei]

well I've messed up a bit. Earlier I was going to book a hotel stay for 2 nights to do it but I forgot until now, but just as I was going to do it now the prices have gone way up. Now I'm either going to have to find a different hotel, pay the expensive price or do it somewhere like a forest. Sigh.

By "do it", do you mean end it?

 

[kittycat089bunny]

By "do it", do you mean end it?

I do