unfortunately I have to agree with this sentence very strongly. being involuntarily confined to a psychiatric yard can be extremely traumatizing.
I'm isolating because of depression. I'm already medicated. SNRI's which helped depression but exacerbated a health condition caused by long Covid. I have ADHD which is somewhat helped by ritalin. I was sectioned for a week nearly a year ago after hanging myself. Got cut down by police. Then they prescribed lorazepam and zopiclone. Also i'm dealing with the aftermath of domestic abuse and other trauma. I'm paranoid because my abuser works in the mental health trust. I'm paranoid because I don't know how to tell anymore who to trust and because depression means that I can't hide how pathetic and useless I am.
The problem is I don't know if I can lie about it. I may not intend to right this second but I have a plan, a method and my only focus right now is getting my affairs in order and organising and disposing of my possessions. I'm not entirely sure I want to be helped at this point. I have done the therapy, taken the meds, I achieved things. But if it always comes back to this. If trauma is always lurking. Well I don't have the energy anymore.
That's actually not true that a person wouldn't know if they have schizphrenia- I knew someone who had it, and bizarre halluciations, etc. are a big clue. A schizophrenic person is often lucid and clear-thinking much of the time, so they can have some understanding about their hallucinations, depending on how bad their case is.
I understand. Feeling tired and not wanting to have to deal with the trauma for the rest of my life is a large part of the reason I want to ctb as well. Is there anything holding you back/any reason you would not want to go through with your plans?
I think fear is holding me back. My attempt was painful and scary. The body's SI kicks in and it took so much to fight through it and yet by extreme chance I was prevented from completing. Guilt for my mother. Not wanting people to think I went through with it because I didn't love them. It's because I can't love them the way they deserve. Depression takes away any ability to do the basic things which make us human, to love, to cooperate, to help, to trust, to contribute. But most of all the thing that's stopping me from going right now is that I'm determined to sort all my paperwork and dispose my belongings so that my mother doesn't have to deal with cleaning up the remnants of my life. And while depressed and physically limited by long Covid it's a slow and tedious process.
I've been using them sporadically to deal with ptsd anxiety which has helped with panic. As my depression has become worse my nightmares are returning so despite constant exhaustion I'm needing the zopiclone to help with the fear I have of going to sleep. I have very low doses and use them responsibly so don't have issues with withdrawal or rebound anxiety. I don't drink, take drugs, use caffeine so they really just replace what I might otherwise use to self-medicate. On the one hand they help stop ruminating or enduring the constant pain of air hunger and panic of anxiety attacks. On the other hand they prevent me thinking clearly enough to solve any problems or start processing trauma.
I can't guarantee that you'll have the same experiences I did, but when I was unmedicated my depression also took away my ability to feel the things required for being human. It took a while to find a medication combination that worked for me but eventually I did and I'm actually functioning in a way I wasn't able to before. I'm not trying to sell you on this or anything, I know it doesn't work for everyone, and I think it's ultimately up to you if these reasons you've listed here are enough to decide whether or not to go on. But if you do feel like these reasons are enough to give "recovery" another shot,, I think it might be worth trying it to see if it works. At worst, you'll have wasted time but you can always ctb later, but there's a chance it might work out. I am not sure if your nightmares are caused by PTSD, but I used to have really awful trauma nightmares every single night, I tried all of the non-medical cures I could find like exercise and cognitive restructuring, the only thing that actually worked for helping me with them was getting prescribed prazosin. Again this is ultimately your decision and I am not trying to pressure you either way, but I think it's good to know as much information as possible before making a choice this important. I've had a lot of horrible experiences with people working in psych but there are people who genuinely care out there as well. I hope you're able to find peace.
