Venting I have nothing to live for

[imissrachel]

Honestly I'm a hopeless romantic. There is meaning in love to me. I survive exclusively to be in a happy loving relationship. I work to support that goal. I only enjoy things when I'm in that environment with my person. I held myself from that trying to get myself together and this woman jumps into my life pushing down all my walls. And the relationship has been the most toxic thing I've ever experienced in my life but there is nothing in this life I want more than for her to have chosen me. And she is gone… again. Like I'm a nobody. I wish someone would kill me because I'm too much of a b to finish it. I've drank bottles of visine… tried to hang myself… tried to drown myself and I keep failing. Now I just feel empty and I have nothing. I hate myself and I hate this world for making me want something so badly that doesn't want me. The world is always so evil and it just seems targeted like I've done something. And maybe I have failed at all of the attempts to bargain with God but honestly I'm freaking dying of confusion about what I'm supposed to be doing half the time. My brain is breaking and it hurts. I hate life so much guys. I know we all do but I'm just so exhausted with this.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Yeah that is the difficulty with needing other people for happiness, it will inevitably hit an obstacle that you can't control. Were the failed attempts due to SI or things going wrong during the attempts?

 

[imissrachel]

Some things going wrong and some SI.

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

I recently went through a breakup, and it's totally destroyed me. I definitely became a romantic throughout our relationship (to the point that I, a materialist through and through, started believing in true love and soul mates), so imagine my shock when she breaks up with me and starts dating someone else on the same day, sells/throws away everything related to me, cuts off contact entirely, blocks me from cat pictures, and doesn't repay the $2000 she owes. And says that she doesn't think I have a future and implies that I'm not attractive. Of course, I was, in many ways responsible for the breakup. I was a bad partner in a lot of ways. I go back and forth on entirely blaming myself. But I did trample over her a lot, I was mean to her, I was manipulative. Nonetheless, I had tied my entire concept of myself up in my relationship with her, so I currently have no sense of self and have been questioning if the world even exists.

Love is very powerful and very dangerous. I don't think it's hyperbole to call it the greatest emotion. It is simultaneously entirely selfless and completely selfish. It is capable of causing the kindest and cruelest actions. It brings people together and rips them apart. It can be the greatest motivator, and the strongest roadblock. It's very scary, and I can't fault anyone who has been broken by love.

 

[losing hope]

In the same boat as

Love is very powerful and very dangerous. I don't think it's hyperbole to call it the greatest emotion. It is simultaneously entirely selfless and completely selfish. It is capable of causing the kindest and cruelest actions. It brings people together and rips them apart. It can be the greatest motivator, and the strongest roadblock. It's very scary, and I can't fault anyone who has been broken by love.

I totally agree with this. If I had one wish, Love/ a soulmate would be the thing that saves me from ctb'ing. However love has also put me in this position of being 90% ready to ctb with SN by my side.

Drugs is like a diet version of love, but obviously you pay a VERY high price for the relative security of getting constants (love) high on demand. Which is in the form of addictions & health consquences etc

 

[MonroeSummers]

Heartache seems to be the one thing consistent in this life. It breaks, splinters, cracks the core of you. You choke, you feel overwhelmed and you pray for the day when it all goes away. Empty nothingness, void. Neither thinking, hurting, hoping, breathing, existing...not a molecule not an atom, just nothing. Forever

 

[divinemistress36]

Nobody is coming to save us its a hard fact to accept. I use to think love is what was going to save me its all an illusion