Venting I have nobody that i can call my friend

[Leonard_Bangley39]

Over the span of my life, I've met lots of people. But not a single person besides my sisters have stuck around long. I didn't get to experience long lasting friendships from early childhood to adulthood. Growing up I switched schools a lot for varying reasons like behavioral issues or moving to a new state.

I didn't get to experience college life and have lots of fun, going to parties, dating, hanging out with classmates, roommates, meeting people. My first year of college has to be online because i didn't have a car or any way of getting to campus, plus i had no way of affording dorm life. After i think not even a month i dropped out because the online classes were terrible.

I got along ok with my coworkers at the jobs i worked, but i never stayed long at many of those jobs. And i never felt like any of them could be my friend, i just got along cause it made work easier, never had any contact with them outside work.

The only people i could even remotely consider to be my friends were the people online that i messaged with. They were the only people outside of my family that i spoke about my issues with. Hell, I barely tell even my family anything.

and last night i ended up driving away one of my only friends because of my constant behavior. They couldnt put up with me constantly complaining, being negative, and shitty to them. And I know he's right, I'm a shitty, unstable piece of shit and it's nobody's responsibility to put up with me.

I know I should change, but change just feels impossible. It's not right, but it feels like this is just what I am. I can't take it.

I have nobody.

I deserve nobody.

Nobody deserves me.

Im on the bus home from work, once I get home im going to buy some bandage wraps and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and cut my arms until theres no space left to cut. I just wish I was someone who was worth loving, worth befriending. But I cant change.

 

[chudpolonais]

I feel the same way. the last time i was ever involved in a friend group was maybe in elementary school, after that, there was literally no one in my life that wasn't either middle aged or my dog. i've lived my entire life as an outsider and it's even worse now that i'm a NEET.

please get me out of here already

 

[behindtheveil]

I understand what you are going through. I used to feel the same way. Someone in their 60s once told me that whatever life gives you during our early years, it tends to take away gradually. And if you will have even a single person to talk to once you have grown old (forget the friendship part), you should consider yourself lucky. I could never relate to that thought of wisdom during my younger years, but as I grow older, I can see that saying becoming true every day.

 

[MephiticShadow]

Friends just let you down and hurt you anyway. Maybe we are better off without them

 

[Lasuba]

A few years ago, I also worried about this, until I tried to kill myself for the first time (in a completely stupid way), because of other people. I was extremely attached to them, and I always wanted something similar to a companion, someone who would stay in my life, but at some point, I believe when I ended up in a psychiatric hospital, something in me changed when I saw those people completely forgotten by society, who also had no one and didn't care.
It was from then on that I learned to like being alone, that it's much better to have no one than to think you have several friends who you think care about you, but in reality they don't give a damn.
Over time I accepted that my destiny is to die alone in the "Kodokushi" style, and I really don't care.