I have no reason to be so depressed

[willow_tree]

I feel like most of the people on here have some tragic story so I feel guilty for being so suicidal. I have a pretty good life set up for me. I am a freshman at University with multiple leadership positions, a high honors student athlete, double major. I'm also taking multiple minors and learning Arabic. I have an internship as a freshman and I have lots of loving friends and family. I don't really have a good reason to be so depressed. I had a normal childhood. I honestly don't know why I am so messed up. But I've been depressed since I was really young. My parents didn't find out until I was 17 when I had an almost-successful attempt, except it didn't work bc it got found out too quickly. I did go into a coma and almost die, but then I lived. I mean, I even have my own business. Everyone around me thinks I am this happy, bubbly person, but I am so suicidal. I don't know why I am and I honestly feel so guilty about it. But I feel like everyone around me would be SO much better off if I was dead. I know people love me, but I pity them for loving me and I feel like their love would be so much better off put into others. Everything honestly feels sureal. Today was my birthday and I really didn't think I would even be 19. I didn't want to be and I was upset about not being able to CBT by now. But my friends through me a surprise party and so many people wished me a happy birthday. I feel like I am living a lie and I don't know what to do.. I am also terrified of failing again because the hospital was actually so awful and I went through so much pain. If anyone has incite I would really appreciate it.

 

[lost_one]

I am so sorry you feel that way, unfortunately depression is one of those diseases that doesn't need a reason to exist, idk what you want to do.

But I wonder? Are those thing you described the things you want? have you ever stopped to consider it? also it is important to have someone to to talk to about these things, this place is one of them, but it doesn't replace actual human contact.

I bit you good luck whatever you decide. You are not alone at the least, if we cannot help we can listen, and understand.

 

[Freebandzgang]

I am very similar to you im a junior in a pretty high end university, I have people that care about me and support me however the tremendous mental suffering i go through on a daily basis due to my bad depression and anxiety make it impossible to live, I have multiple major panic attacks every day, Life is too much for me. I had a big attempt planned, I gave away most of my money, I told everyone goodbye but i failed my attempt, now im stuck here more depressed than ever. It feels like im trapped in hell rn.

 

[deadbidaylight]

First off, welcome to SS. I'm so sorry that your pain has brought you to us, but I'm confident you can find solace, support, and solidarity in this community.

On paper you sound extremely successful and fortunate. But I am here to tell you that all those things aren't going to make things better for you if you're not well. You don't get a letter in the mail that tells you that you've done everything right and you must be happy. I wish it was the case, but unfortunately as you know, it's not.

I will be vulnerable here by telling you that I can absolutely relate to your situation. I also feel guilty for being sick and suicidal. I had a great upbringing, no trauma, I live in a great country and have awesome parents and support system. I had every opportunity at my fingertips. And it doesn't matter. I am still constantly fighting a war inside my head. I often don't trust myself and have to get my partner to physically keep an eye on me to keep me alive because I don't *want* to die. But sometimes the thoughts get so dark and overwhelming I almost can't control it.

Please, if I can offer you any advice, don't be ashamed of feeling the way you feel. There's no magic formula for who should be suicidal or depressed or not. We are all human, we all feel, we all fail and we all succeed. And at the end of the day, all our caskets are the same size. I'm glad that you've come here and opened yourself up to us, that's a great first step. Thank you for that.

Have you sought any treatment in any form before for your depression? Is it something that you would consider if it could give you a chance at a happier future?

Please be kind to yourself while you navigate these troubled waters. We will do our best to help in whatever way we can.

 

[gothbird]

First, let me get this out of the way bluntly: You do not need to be tragic to be suicidal. You do not have to have a reason that people would nod solemnly at. Brains don't work like courtroom dramas. You are allowed to be in pain even if your resume looks golden. You are allowed to not want to be here, even if people love you.
This is one of the cruelest things about invisible pain: it doesn't need a villain. There's no fire to point to, no wreckage. Just a continuous pain that no one can see but you. And that dissonance—between how people see you and how you feel—can make you feel even more broken. Like you're betraying your own life.

You're not.
You're just carrying shit that doesn't show up on paper.

A few things stood out to me:

"I don't really have a good reason to be so depressed."

There are a thousand subtle, chemical, emotional, existential reasons people fall into this state and many of them don't come with headlines. Chronic depression, certain neurodivergences, unresolved grief, philosophical despair, biological predisposition—these things don't care how shiny your transcript is. Some people are wired for pain. And that's not a character flaw.

"I know people love me, but I pity them for loving me."

That sentence hits hard. I know it. That feeling like their love is wasted, like you're some black hole they've latched onto without knowing it. But their love isn't pity, even if yours is. People see things in you that you're not capable of seeing right now. That's not lying. That's their perspective. Let them have it.

"Everything feels surreal. I feel like I'm living a lie."

That's often a symptom of depersonalisation, which is incredibly common in suicidal ideation. You're here but you're not here. It's like being trapped behind your own eyes. That doesn't make you fake. It makes you overwhelmed. It makes you deeply, deeply tired.

"I am terrified of failing again."

That fear is real and valid. The hospital system, especially after an attempt, can be dehumanising. I won't pretend otherwise. That experience alone can make someone more traumatised than before. But let me say this: the fact that you're afraid of pain—physical, emotional, or existential—doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Wanting peace does not mean you're willing to suffer endlessly to get it. And that's okay.

If you're still here after all that (and you are) it's not because you're a fraud. It's because something in you is still trying to understand. Still trying to be honest.
You're not messed up. You're not a waste. You're just hurting in a world that doesn't always give people language to say so unless we can tie it to trauma or tragedy.
You don't need to prove your pain to anyone here.
You already did, just by writing this.

 

[willow_tree]

I am so sorry you feel that way, unfortunately depression is one of those diseases that doesn't need a reason to exist, idk what you want to do.

But I wonder? Are those thing you described the things you want? have you ever stopped to consider it? also it is important to have someone to to talk to about these things, this place is one of them, but it doesn't replace actual human contact.

I bit you good luck whatever you decide. You are not alone at the least, if we cannot help we can listen, and understand.

I mean the thing is I am such a passionate person. I love with my whole heart and I love to learn. I can get so fully immersed into it and enjoy it. And then there are times I wake up so upset I am alive, and I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through knowing me. I am also currently in therapy. I really thought I was getting better but these past few weeks have been so bad. Its so weird. Like I like what I do but I hate the fact that I am the person that gets to live my privileged life, because I don't deserve it. I just joined this today actually. I found this site trying to search for a better way to CBT because I was unsuccessful last time.

 

[Freebandzgang]

First, let me get this out of the way bluntly: You do not need to be tragic to be suicidal. You do not have to have a reason that people would nod solemnly at. Brains don't work like courtroom dramas. You are allowed to be in pain even if your resume looks golden. You are allowed to not want to be here, even if people love you.
This is one of the cruelest things about invisible pain: it doesn't need a villain. There's no fire to point to, no wreckage. Just a continuous pain that no one can see but you. And that dissonance—between how people see you and how you feel—can make you feel even more broken. Like you're betraying your own life.

You're not.
You're just carrying shit that doesn't show up on paper.

A few things stood out to me:


There are a thousand subtle, chemical, emotional, existential reasons people fall into this state and many of them don't come with headlines. Chronic depression, certain neurodivergences, unresolved grief, philosophical despair, biological predisposition—these things don't care how shiny your transcript is. Some people are wired for pain. And that's not a character flaw.


That sentence hits hard. I know it. That feeling like their love is wasted, like you're some black hole they've latched onto without knowing it. But their love isn't pity, even if yours is. People see things in you that you're not capable of seeing right now. That's not lying. That's their perspective. Let them have it.


That's often a symptom of depersonalisation, which is incredibly common in suicidal ideation. You're here but you're not here. It's like being trapped behind your own eyes. That doesn't make you fake. It makes you overwhelmed. It makes you deeply, deeply tired.


That fear is real and valid. The hospital system, especially after an attempt, can be dehumanising. I won't pretend otherwise. That experience alone can make someone more traumatised than before. But let me say this: the fact that you're afraid of pain—physical, emotional, or existential—doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Wanting peace does not mean you're willing to suffer endlessly to get it. And that's okay.

If you're still here after all that (and you are) it's not because you're a fraud. It's because something in you is still trying to understand. Still trying to be honest.
You're not messed up. You're not a waste. You're just hurting in a world that doesn't always give people language to say so unless we can tie it to trauma or tragedy.
You don't need to prove your pain to anyone here.
You already did, just by writing this.

Your writing is so incredibly good i am speechless.

 

[willow_tree]

First off, welcome to SS. I'm so sorry that your pain has brought you to us, but I'm confident you can find solace, support, and solidarity in this community.

On paper you sound extremely successful and fortunate. But I am here to tell you that all those things aren't going to make things better for you if you're not well. You don't get a letter in the mail that tells you that you've done everything right and you must be happy. I wish it was the case, but unfortunately as you know, it's not.

I will be vulnerable here by telling you that I can absolutely relate to your situation. I also feel guilty for being sick and suicidal. I had a great upbringing, no trauma, I live in a great country and have awesome parents and support system. I had every opportunity at my fingertips. And it doesn't matter. I am still constantly fighting a war inside my head. I often don't trust myself and have to get my partner to physically keep an eye on me to keep me alive because I don't *want* to die. But sometimes the thoughts get so dark and overwhelming I almost can't control it.

Please, if I can offer you any advice, don't be ashamed of feeling the way you feel. There's no magic formula for who should be suicidal or depressed or not. We are all human, we all feel, we all fail and we all succeed. And at the end of the day, all our caskets are the same size. I'm glad that you've come here and opened yourself up to us, that's a great first step. Thank you for that.

Have you sought any treatment in any form before for your depression? Is it something that you would consider if it could give you a chance at a happier future?

Please be kind to yourself while you navigate these troubled waters. We will do our best to help in whatever way we can.

Thank you! I mean already reading some of these replies has made an impact already. I am not used to being understood at all. I have a really nice therapist, I really like talking to her. Unfortunately, I had a bad experience right before college opening up to my psychiatrist about suicidal ideation. I thought I was brave and doing the right thing, but she pink slipped me, sent me to the mental hospital. The experience was so traumatizing. I remember just repeating over and over that I was 18, and I wanted to leave. I was stuck in there for over a week, and told I would never succeed at University. Everyone there was much older than me, and I had to have an officer outside my door at night because the older men were watching me and catcalling me. One lived right across from me and continuously asked me to come to his room. He also would take my food. It was genuinely some of the scariest things I've been through. Especially when the officers would leave, and I was not allowed to shut my door. I was wide awake with fear every night I was in there, just pretending to be okay so they would hopefully let me out. Anyway, for that reason I am very hesitant to open up about suicidal ideation to a therapist and the thought of it scares me so much, even though I know it could probably help. So I mention it sometimes, but I am so so scared of being sent away, because school is the only thing that keeps me here.

I mean the thing is I am such a passionate person. I love with my whole heart and I love to learn. I can get so fully immersed into it and enjoy it. And then there are times I wake up so upset I am alive, and I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through knowing me. I am also currently in therapy. I really thought I was getting better but these past few weeks have been so bad. Its so weird. Like I like what I do but I hate the fact that I am the person that gets to live my privileged life, because I don't deserve it. I just joined this today actually. I found this site trying to search for a better way to CBT because I was unsuccessful last time.

First, let me get this out of the way bluntly: You do not need to be tragic to be suicidal. You do not have to have a reason that people would nod solemnly at. Brains don't work like courtroom dramas. You are allowed to be in pain even if your resume looks golden. You are allowed to not want to be here, even if people love you.
This is one of the cruelest things about invisible pain: it doesn't need a villain. There's no fire to point to, no wreckage. Just a continuous pain that no one can see but you. And that dissonance—between how people see you and how you feel—can make you feel even more broken. Like you're betraying your own life.

You're not.
You're just carrying shit that doesn't show up on paper.

A few things stood out to me:


There are a thousand subtle, chemical, emotional, existential reasons people fall into this state and many of them don't come with headlines. Chronic depression, certain neurodivergences, unresolved grief, philosophical despair, biological predisposition—these things don't care how shiny your transcript is. Some people are wired for pain. And that's not a character flaw.


That sentence hits hard. I know it. That feeling like their love is wasted, like you're some black hole they've latched onto without knowing it. But their love isn't pity, even if yours is. People see things in you that you're not capable of seeing right now. That's not lying. That's their perspective. Let them have it.


That's often a symptom of depersonalisation, which is incredibly common in suicidal ideation. You're here but you're not here. It's like being trapped behind your own eyes. That doesn't make you fake. It makes you overwhelmed. It makes you deeply, deeply tired.


That fear is real and valid. The hospital system, especially after an attempt, can be dehumanising. I won't pretend otherwise. That experience alone can make someone more traumatised than before. But let me say this: the fact that you're afraid of pain—physical, emotional, or existential—doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. Wanting peace does not mean you're willing to suffer endlessly to get it. And that's okay.

If you're still here after all that (and you are) it's not because you're a fraud. It's because something in you is still trying to understand. Still trying to be honest.
You're not messed up. You're not a waste. You're just hurting in a world that doesn't always give people language to say so unless we can tie it to trauma or tragedy.
You don't need to prove your pain to anyone here.
You already did, just by writing this.

I have actually never felt so understood in my whole life. It really seems like no one understands me but I feel like this was worded so perfectly. Thank you so much.

I am very similar to you im a junior in a pretty high end university, I have people that care about me and support me however the tremendous mental suffering i go through on a daily basis due to my bad depression and anxiety make it impossible to live, I have multiple major panic attacks every day, Life is too much for me. I had a big attempt planned, I gave away most of my money, I told everyone goodbye but i failed my attempt, now im stuck here more depressed than ever. It feels like im trapped in hell rn.

I'm sorry that you are stuck in that situation. Honestly its times like that, that just don't feel real. I remember giving a lot of stuff away, but now I am scared to do that because I am worried someone would notice. How does it feel to go through the motions of life like that? I mean I know how it feels for me but I'm curious. Junior year is a lot further into college than I am, I mean i don't intend to make it that far.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Thank you! I mean already reading some of these replies has made an impact already. I am not used to being understood at all. I have a really nice therapist, I really like talking to her. Unfortunately, I had a bad experience right before college opening up to my psychiatrist about suicidal ideation. I thought I was brave and doing the right thing, but she pink slipped me, sent me to the mental hospital. The experience was so traumatizing. I remember just repeating over and over that I was 18, and I wanted to leave. I was stuck in there for over a week, and told I would never succeed at University. Everyone there was much older than me, and I had to have an officer outside my door at night because the older men were watching me and catcalling me. One lived right across from me and continuously asked me to come to his room. He also would take my food. It was genuinely some of the scariest things I've been through. Especially when the officers would leave, and I was not allowed to shut my door. I was wide awake with fear every night I was in there, just pretending to be okay so they would hopefully let me out. Anyway, for that reason I am very hesitant to open up about suicidal ideation to a therapist and the thought of it scares me so much, even though I know it could probably help. So I mention it sometimes, but I am so so scared of being sent away, because school is the only thing that keeps me here.


I have actually never felt so understood in my whole life. It really seems like no one understands me but I feel like this was worded so perfectly. Thank you so much.

I'm sorry that you are stuck in that situation. Honestly its times like that, that just don't feel real. I remember giving a lot of stuff away, but now I am scared to do that because I am worried someone would notice. How does it feel to go through the motions of life like that? I mean I know how it feels for me but I'm curious. Junior year is a lot further into college than I am, I mean i don't intend to make it that far.

Therapy doesn't work for everyone. I have tried multiple times and I just feel like they are so disingenuous. They are paid to act like they care. I'm sure lots of them do, but it's hard to discern one from the other. I have never talked about suicide with any of them due to the fear you have experienced about being in the psych ward. It's hard because they encourage you to be open and honest, and when you're most vulnerable they lock you up. I think they do it out of genuine concern, but I don't think they realize what places like that do to people like us. It seems like everyone has to fake being okay to be let out. That doesn't sound like a system that's working at all.

I am on a few different medications for my issues and they really do help me a lot. They aren't a cure, but it makes my life a lot more livable. It's taken me years of trial and error for ones that work for me so that's sometimes a hurdle too. But perhaps an option for you if you'd like to be able to recover.

Just know, you are not alone in your feelings. There's soooo many of us facing the same battles as you, and as all consuming as they can be, we are here to lift each other up and support as best we can. For me, knowing there's others who feel the same as I do makes me feel so much less isolated and alone. I hope you'll be able to get that from here too. If you ever need to chat, my dms are always open.