Venting I have never felt happiness in my life

[ireallylikemangoes]

Since the day I was born I have never felt happiness in my life, I've only felt anger, despair, sadness, fear, jealousy. If you ask me what happiness feels like I wouldn't be able to tell you because I simply have not felt it, the concept of being happy is completely foreign to me and I always feel fake when I respond with phrases like "I'm glad that…." or "I'm happy for you…" because I'm not glad, I'm not happy, I feel nothing at all and that makes me weirdly guilty, I hate not being a normal person

I still feel sympathy and empathy as I will feel guilty if I wronged someone and I will try to help people who need it, but I would not feel anything if the people I helped were feeling better, I would just stop feeling bad for them

Every time something remotely inconvenient happens to me, my mind will immediately jump to suicidal thoughts. These thoughts have become a regular part of my emotional process and I sometimes fear if I will do something impulsive due to them (I do not want my corpse to look damaged in any way so I am leaning on overdosing as my ctb method, yet my impulses favor jumping which leaves the remains looking like the sauce you put on spaghetti )

I wonder if it a good idea to speak to a mental health professional about my lack of happiness, and if I should also speak about my emotions jumping from one extreme(absolutely no emotion) to another(impulsively suicidal)

Thank you for reading my garbled brain ramblings, best wishes

 

[SilentSadness]

That sounds terrible for you, it's so horrible to live in a world where happiness is a fleeting illusion. Suffering is constant and vivid and completely overlooked by most people. If you talk to a mental health "professional" I recommend you don't mention your ctb thoughts but I guess it could be helpful if you are looking for platitudes. I can't say I've never felt happiness but every time I do it's very temporary and feels empty, I guess it's unnatural unlike suffering. I hope you find peace from your unhappy situation. If you are looking for some kind of alleviation from your ctb thoughts you might want to post in the Recovery section.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I wonder if it a good idea to speak to a mental health professional about my lack of happiness, and if I should also speak about my emotions jumping from one extreme(absolutely no emotion) to another(impulsively suicidal)

That suggests to me that you have never received mental health treatment, is that right? If so it is probably worth trying since you have expressed openness to it.

I don't know what happiness is either. They say you should focus on finding contentment rather than joy but that seems inaccessible to. I know it's hard to motivate yourself in the organic way that the average person does when your thoughts turn to suicide after every negative experience.

 

[ireallylikemangoes]

That suggests to me that you have never received mental health treatment, is that right? If so it is probably worth trying since you have expressed openness to it.

I don't know what happiness is either. They say you should focus on finding contentment rather than joy but that seems inaccessible to. I know it's hard to motivate yourself in the organic way that the average person does when your thoughts turn to suicide after every negative experience.

I have received mental health treatment in the form of an involuntary admission to the psych ward once and I am also medicated with antidepressants(although that probably made it worse as I now self harm and have actively planned ctb but they seem to not want me to get off my medication), my experience is what drove me away from seeking help once more, I do not trust any therapist and I don't know how far I can get without being admitted again

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I have received mental health treatment in the form of an involuntary admission to the psych ward once and I am also medicated with antidepressants(although that probably made it worse as I now self harm and have actively planned ctb but they seem to not want me to get off my medication), my experience is what drove me away from seeking help once more, I do not trust any therapist and I don't know how far I can get without being admitted again

I understand your wariness about therapists. What were the circumstances of your forced admission? Perhaps there are things you can do to prevent it from happening again.

 

[ireallylikemangoes]

I understand your wariness about therapists. What were the circumstances of your forced admission? Perhaps there are things you can do to prevent it from happening again.

Attempted ctb on impulse

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Attempted ctb on impulse

Do you think you have firmer control over those impulses?

 

[ireallylikemangoes]

Do you think you have firmer control over those impulses?

I have better impulse control than before and I also do not have any access to high places, that puts my risk of impulsive ctb very low, though I still want to overdose