I have all the materials to kill myself now, but I don't know if I can do it.

[SuicideByBelt]

I have SN and meto.

All day every day, I just think about the past. My brain continually analyses past people, places, events and I have a compulsive habit of talking to myself which caused me to get into trouble at work.

Reliving past experiences continually means I never truly let go. Instead I continually feel the highs and lows of the past. I can't stop this.

I've been fixated on a specific YouTuber for 6 years. I've thought about him every day. In 2014, my friends noticed I had an odd obsession. There's no rational reason why I'm obsessed with this person over prolonged periods of time.

I'm 24 now and things from when I think about things that happened when I was 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 every day.

I was hurtful and destructive as a teenage - put no effort into school, bullied others - and it makes me guilty every day.

I've had 10 sessions of EMDR but nothing has changed.

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."

― Steve Maraboli

It appears I'm stuck with this mindset and will never get out of it. I believe it is fundamental to my chemistry. I don't believe anyone truly understands what I'm going through - professional mental health team included.

I feel stuck. My brain continually fixates on the past, I left my job, I don't feel ready to study again. Just a struggling NEET.

But my parents are so loving. They really like having me home. It'll ruin them if I go kill myself. They'll never forgive themselves, and it'll leave a hole in my family. But I feel like killing myself what I've gotta do.

:(

 

[theguineapigking]

Hi. I don't have any experience with the things you've stated other than talking to myself...basically I say things out loud to myself,rather than thinking them in my head like many people would.

I just wanted to let you know I'm here if you need to talk. I know your brain has many problems(not an insult) and it is very difficult to overcome mental barriers. Have you tried any meds at all? Maybe some kind of desensitizing medication?

I have mental problems too(different than yours). I know it is absolutely agonizing and you feel trapped in your own body and mind.

All I can say is to talk with your parents and keep trying to get help. Maybe there's something out there to help you. I know it's hard as hell. But if you have any part of you than genuinely wants to live,and can imagine doing so for many years,maybe it's worth it to keep trying! You said your parents are loving. Mine are too. Not everyone is lucky enough to have this. So use it to your advantage and perhaps talk to them more(if you don't already) about your problems. Maybe it can help you cool down in the short run to talk to someone who is compassionate.



I'm sorry again for your pain. I know suicide is tempting. I don't know if life is really worth it for everyone. But I can say that it may be worth trying for a bit longer. See if you can get anywhere. Give yourself a good and fair chance before you decide suicide is your best option.

Again,I'm here if you need to talk. I will reply if you respond to my post.

Best wishes.

 

[SuicideByBelt]

Hi. I don't have any experience with the things you've stated other than talking to myself...basically I say things out loud to myself,rather than thinking them in my head like many people would.

I just wanted to let you know I'm here if you need to talk. I know your brain has many problems(not an insult) and it is very difficult to overcome mental barriers. Have you tried any meds at all? Maybe some kind of desensitizing medication?

I have mental problems too(different than yours). I know it is absolutely agonizing and you feel trapped in your own body and mind.

All I can say is to talk with your parents and keep trying to get help. Maybe there's something out there to help you. I know it's hard as hell. But if you have any part of you than genuinely wants to live,and can imagine doing so for many years,maybe it's worth it to keep trying! You said your parents are loving. Mine are too. Not everyone is lucky enough to have this. So use it to your advantage and perhaps talk to them more(if you don't already) about your problems. Maybe it can help you cool down in the short run to talk to someone who is compassionate.



I'm sorry again for your pain. I know suicide is tempting. I don't know if life is really worth it for everyone. But I can say that it may be worth trying for a bit longer. See if you can get anywhere. Give yourself a good and fair chance before you decide suicide is your best option.

Again,I'm here if you need to talk. I will reply if you respond to my post.

Best wishes.

I'm on venlafaxine and respiradone.

i'd rather live but i'm in so much suffering that it seems not doable. i might go see doctor but i believe what i'm experiencing is fundamental to my chemistry. i believe it is unchangeable - just because it has been consistent for most of my adult life.

 

[theguineapigking]

I'm on venlafaxine and respiradone.

i'd rather live but i'm in so much suffering that it seems not doable. i might go see doctor but i believe what i'm experiencing is fundamental to my chemistry. i believe it is unchangeable - just because it has been consistent for most of my adult life.

Dang. I'm sorry to hear that. I get you probably can't fix the problem 100%. Have the meds helped at all? Have you tried any other meds in the past? Have you been progressive with other possible treatment options besides the 10 sessions? Maybe there is something out there that can help you even somewhat. FYI,valerian root is a natural herb that can relax you. It's not a bad drug or anything like that. It is over the counter and can be bought on amazon or elsewhere. It basically can relax you a bit and take the edge off,especially if you are feeling extra overwhelmed or very upset. It's different than alcohol. I use it when I feel like I'm going crazy.

Do you have any friends you can hang out with...or even better,talk with?


I know I can't do anything to help you. I'm just here more for support. Sometimes it's nice to have someone else to talk to. Also,do your parents know you're considering suicide?Have you discussed that at all?

 

[jgm63]

I'm on venlafaxine and respiradone.

i'd rather live but i'm in so much suffering that it seems not doable. i might go see doctor but i believe what i'm experiencing is fundamental to my chemistry. i believe it is unchangeable - just because it has been consistent for most of my adult life.

I would guess that 50 to 60% of human beings are 50 to 60% "mad", and that might even be a bit on the conservative side.

Although I don't doubt your struggles for one moment, one thing I do think might be happening is I think you might be "over judging" yourself....

Perhaps some of the people you look at and think are doing fine don't have things as easy as you think.
From some of the previous discussions I've had with you, I think you're a pretty awesome person really that has a fair bit going for them.
I feel as though if you found the right thing for you, you would do well at it....
It just might need a bit of time to find what that thing is.

Perhaps you should sample a load of different udemy courses, and "dip your toes" until you find something that "clicks" in some way.
If I remember correctly, if you keep clearing your cookies and browser history, and re-signup with different email accounts, you can keep getting their "introductory offers", so you can get a lot of courses for very good value (perhaps buy 3 or 4 at a time though or you might have to create too many different email accounts).
Maybe even start doing something as a hobby, then figure out how that could become a career.
Obscure things, if done brilliantly, could become viable as a livelihood.
Pick a niche, become the expert at it.
Create a blog.
You could even become "the guy that overcame <your health condition>", and blog your struggles, and make a book about that.
In the meantime you could study to become a therapist to help others with your condition.
There are many different paths you could go down....
Or become the "expert reviewer" of a certain type of product that interests you.
Start learning to make youtube videos, with the help of udemy (see above).
In 3 years from now you might be considered the world leading authority in that.
These are just ideas, so pick one that inspires you.
If you let interest and/or passion drive it rather than obligation, then creative energy can flow, and it might go somewhere good....

Time is still very much on your side (people can and do rebuild their lives at all different ages, often *way* older than you are currently).

Although you might not be able to "completely cure" your condition, I do think you would stand a pretty good chance of being able to manage it, and once you worry less about it, it might lose its grip over you over time.....

However, I realise of course that ultimately it's about how YOU feel, and I realise things are always easier said than done, so I'm not trying to paint any "it'll be a walk in the park" type picture....

Anyhow, I'm just trying to inspire you with some possible ways of looking at things.....

Oh, and before your mind says "I can't do that", and rejects it, please just allow the above to "float around" as a possibility....
You can always reject it later if you're still not convinced.....

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, and I've been there too. I've weighed the costs and benefits of staying alive versus death, and in the end, I still concluded that I am looking for death as well, that life just isn't worth it. I am only alive for an additional year or more, but it's due to borrowed time and some last minute life circumstances that allowed me to stay a little bit longer. However, they don't last and eventually things still suck, so I'm sorta in a similar boat with you, wanting to CTB and knowing that it may be the better option. At any rate, ultimately, you are the only person who can make the decision for yourself and I wish you peace and comfort in whatever decision you decide to take.

 

[SuicideByBelt]

I would guess that 50 to 60% of human beings are 50 to 60% "mad", and that might even be a bit on the conservative side.

Although I don't doubt your struggles for one moment, one thing I do think might be happening is I think you might be "over judging" yourself....

Perhaps some of the people you look at and think are doing fine don't have things as easy as you think.
From some of the previous discussions I've had with you, I think you're a pretty awesome person really that has a fair bit going for them.
I feel as though if you found the right thing for you, you would do well at it....
It just might need a bit of time to find what that thing is.

Perhaps you should sample a load of different udemy courses, and "dip your toes" until you find something that "clicks" in some way.
If I remember correctly, if you keep clearing your cookies and browser history, and re-signup with different email accounts, you can keep getting their "introductory offers", so you can get a lot of courses for very good value (perhaps buy 3 or 4 at a time though or you might have to create too many different email accounts).
Maybe even start doing something as a hobby, then figure out how that could become a career.
Obscure things, if done brilliantly, could become viable as a livelihood.
Pick a niche, become the expert at it.
Create a blog.
You could even become "the guy that overcame <your health condition>", and blog your struggles, and make a book about that.
In the meantime you could study to become a therapist to help others with your condition.
There are many different paths you could go down....
Or become the "expert reviewer" of a certain type of product that interests you.
Start learning to make youtube videos, with the help of udemy (see above).
In 3 years from now you might be considered the world leading authority in that.
These are just ideas, so pick one that inspires you.
If you let interest and/or passion drive it rather than obligation, then creative energy can flow, and it might go somewhere good....

Time is still very much on your side (people can and do rebuild their lives at all different ages, often *way* older than you are currently).

Although you might not be able to "completely cure" your condition, I do think you would stand a pretty good chance of being able to manage it, and once you worry less about it, it might lose its grip over you over time.....

However, I realise of course that ultimately it's about how YOU feel, and I realise things are always easier said than done, so I'm not trying to paint any "it'll be a walk in the park" type picture....

Anyhow, I'm just trying to inspire you with some possible ways of looking at things.....

Oh, and before your mind says "I can't do that", and rejects it, please just allow the above to "float around" as a possibility....
You can always reject it later if you're still not convinced.....

thank you for this :) always lots of ideas out there

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, and I've been there too. I've weighed the costs and benefits of staying alive versus death, and in the end, I still concluded that I am looking for death as well, that life just isn't worth it. I am only alive for an additional year or more, but it's due to borrowed time and some last minute life circumstances that allowed me to stay a little bit longer. However, they don't last and eventually things still suck, so I'm sorta in a similar boat with you, wanting to CTB and knowing that it may be the better option. At any rate, ultimately, you are the only person who can make the decision for yourself and I wish you peace and comfort in whatever decision you decide to take.

why do you want to die

 

[k75]

The good news is now you have what you need for when you need it. That pressure is off, and you can relax. Maybe just knowing you have it can bring you some comfort while you figure things out.