I have all the material for CTB and my brain reacts

[universe]

I have always wanted CTB. I have been convinced for about a year that I am at the end of my life, like a terminal phase. Having SN was the easiest but for the drugs, it was more complicated. I started thinking about setting a date. In reality, I don't want to see 2023. From that moment when things became concrete, everything changed. My health is screwed up: sore throat, nausea, vomiting (I can't digest anything anymore), shivering, shaking and a lot of fatigue. I am much more prone to anxiety, panic attacks, hyper-ventilation. My skin is hard, pulled, aged, my hair is dull and dry, as if extinguished. My sleep is disturbed, I have trouble falling asleep and my nights are never fully satisfactory. Maybe it reflects the mental state I'm in, and because my body has understood that it may be living its last moments.

Also my brain tells me to go to church, you never know there is a God. I want to go there 3 times a week (although I'm not a believer, I've never been to church in my life).
All these changes frighten me. I have always more or less mastered things, and approached the CTB with a lot of rationality. I'm afraid that the SI will wake up now or not be able to go through with it. I'm struck by the terrible machine that is the human being: the suffering of life is not enough, the body and the brain also get involved, at the worst moment. Already the desire for CTB is difficult to live with, it becomes worse just when one wants peace. It's really hopeless. Yet another problem to tackle. Perhaps the biggest obstacle for my wish to come true...

Fun fact: I was about to go to a psychiatric hospital voluntarily like isolation, drugs and all the stuff.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do really dislike how even know we want to die it can still be difficult to leave all of the suffering behind. In an ideal world dying would be as easy as just choosing to never wake again. Existence can be so awful and cruel which is why the thought of eternal sleep is so comforting. I have also always wanted to ctb. I wish you freedom.

 

[theboy]

It is the SI

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Prolonged depression can bring on a host of physical ailments.

 

[universe]

It is the SI

Yes that must be it, and it terrifies me. I feel like it's changing me.

 

[Hollowillow]

I have always wanted CTB. I have been convinced for about a year that I am at the end of my life, like a terminal phase. Having SN was the easiest but for the drugs, it was more complicated. I started thinking about setting a date. In reality, I don't want to see 2023. From that moment when things became concrete, everything changed. My health is screwed up: sore throat, nausea, vomiting (I can't digest anything anymore), shivering, shaking and a lot of fatigue. I am much more prone to anxiety, panic attacks, hyper-ventilation. My skin is hard, pulled, aged, my hair is dull and dry, as if extinguished. My sleep is disturbed, I have trouble falling asleep and my nights are never fully satisfactory. Maybe it reflects the mental state I'm in, and because my body has understood that it may be living its last moments.

Also my brain tells me to go to church, you never know there is a God. I want to go there 3 times a week (although I'm not a believer, I've never been to church in my life).
All these changes frighten me. I have always more or less mastered things, and approached the CTB with a lot of rationality. I'm afraid that the SI will wake up now or not be able to go through with it. I'm struck by the terrible machine that is the human being: the suffering of life is not enough, the body and the brain also get involved, at the worst moment. Already the desire for CTB is difficult to live with, it becomes worse just when one wants peace. It's really hopeless. Yet another problem to tackle. Perhaps the biggest obstacle for my wish to come true...

Fun fact: I was about to go to a psychiatric hospital voluntarily like isolation, drugs and all the stuff.

If the @universe dies... Are we all going to die? A little part if me will, friend. Pm me? (Not chat)

I'm sorry that you are suffering... How did it start? It sounds like the effects of malnutrition (c, b, magnesium) but also poison like me...

Trauma can burn out our reserves & it takes mega doses of nutrition to catch up.

I went to the psych ward, being abandonned to cry while they laughed together, denied human rights... I did 5 attemps soon after & have crippling agoraphobia now...

Would not recommend...

Prolonged depression can bring on a host of physical ailments.

Actually it's the other way around

Bad nutrition & exhaustion, physical pain, mental pain (warnings)

 

[universe]

It's really the fact of having seriously considered dying at the end of the year. For trying to set a date. All of a sudden, this kind of thing appeared when, however, I think about dying every day. Really strange.

But it is true that mental suffering tends to impinge on our health. I didn't need that more even if already physically it wasn't in great shape.