I have a crush again

[ThatStateOfMind]

I have a crush again, 8 months after a break up. Honestly, it's a strange feeling that I'm unfamiliar with as the last person I had a crush on was my ex, and we got together in October of 2021, broke up in December of 2022. (Fun fact: December is the most common month for breakups, so much for the "most wonderful time of the year"). So it's strange having feelings for someone else, and I have no clue how to proceed.

It's weird reading through my old posts here, and seeing the mental and emotional state I was in soon after the breakup. It's crazy to read my own healing process as it goes. I'm glad you all have been here to support me (even though I've faced some negativity, like someone essentially blaming me for ex's cheating), and help me through this. It was my first breakup and I really saw a future with this girl.

I may pursue this girl if I really want to, I still have a little bit of healing to do first, and I want to get a job first so I can get some money

This, to me at least, seems like a key part of healing and my recovery process.

 

[アホペンギン]

I'm glad you found someone, you still have hope now. If you decide to pursue this girl then I hope both of you have a happy future together. I'm glad you got better since your breakup in December. I send you and your crush my best regards. :)

 

[dandan]

sounds good, on recovery mode. awesome, best wishes
get that job! dont get the one that pays more, get the one you can enjoy more

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm glad you found someone, you still have hope now. If you decide to pursue this girl then I hope both of you have a happy future together. I'm glad you got better since your breakup in December. I send you and your crush my best regards. :)

Thanks, this crush is actually someone I knew in high school, and was a friend with and I recently saw her again, and some sort of crush resurfaced. My ex, when we were together, said she knew more than 10 people who liked me before we were together and I think this crush may have actually been one of them. I'm a clueless dude though lol.

Best regards to you as well!! Thanks for this positive reply!

sounds good, on recovery mode. awesome, best wishes
get that job! dont get the one that pays more, get the one you can enjoy more

Thank you!! I hope I do, it's a substitute teaching job and I'm waiting to hear back. It doesn't pay much, but it offers flexibility and I think I'd enjoy it quite a bit.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Hello. I'm writing here to update I guess? Not a very pleasant one, but still related to this thread. I figured

"I got a new crush, I'm gonna try to slowly pull away from my ex, so if I get with someone new, they won't have to worry about her".

That was my thinking so I decided to send a tad long, but well worded message to her explaining that I can't wait forever for her to come back, and I don't want to be delusional in waiting if it never happens, and that I'd like to remain friends but that's it.

She then saw the message at around 10 PM (after she got off work I presume), and called me after reading it, crying and saying that she still wants to be with me but is split between me and this guy she's with. I told her that's a bad place to be in but I can't hold out forever and she basically said it'll happen soon.

Honestly, even if she leaves him, I don't know if I'll want her back. I worry that there's too much baggage to unpack between us. I have to choose between someone new and her. The main thing I'd lose in not going with her is the familiarity and comfort, and honestly her amazing family. (They were great, and she isn't an awful human, her actions were unquestionably awful though)

I guess I just wanted to unpack that here with this update. I might make a separate post detailing further but that's about all I wanted to say currently. Any advice?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

To be honest, I don't think it'll ever be possible for you to have a truly healthy relationship with her, platonic or romantic.

Familiarity and comfort can be deceiving and can hide a lot of toxicity and stifle happiness.

I'd advise you to stay strong and hold to the course you're on lest she topple all the progress you've made.

 

[SexyIncél]

She then saw the message at around 10 PM (after she got off work I presume), and called me after reading it, crying and saying that she still wants to be with me but is split between me and this guy she's with. I told her that's a bad place to be in but I can't hold out forever and she basically said it'll happen soon.

Oh, you :)

Bask in your power. You increased your bargaining power. Because you have a possible alternative to her now. You can walk away from any deal with her & pursue that alternative option. She has to be better than that

As your crush materializes further, your bargaining power over your ex increases

(The fancy term for that concept is BATNA, as explained in this slim negotiation 101 book that'll help you in virtually any deal in life)

You've also worked on yourself. That raises your value to her. And presumably you're her best alternative to a guy who's cheating on her & gonna leave her ass

It's like you're both employers. The one she's at... gonna fire her ass eventually. She wants to prepare you as her soft landing

I advise you to do nothing different. What she does rn has no bearing on your optimal strategy — she's flaky, disloyal & confused. Hopefully, her response's only effect is to give you a confidence boost. Wise to still investigate that crush of yours, and all other opportunities

 

[olearius]

Humans are complicated. And cheating is awful, but multi-faceted - it often underlies communication issues, unhappiness, and interpersonal stresses (job/school). That being said, your ex is 100% responsible for their actions. I don't know the backstory here.

But basically, any relationship problem, including cheating can be addressed and solved and worked through. It takes genuine commitment and work - everyone has to be actively working on their communication always.

If this is something you don't think your ex is ready for, if you don't want to, or if you're just uncertain, I think it's time to let go and move on. Your ex can be a chapter in your life representing growth, healing and change. You can cherish all the good and bad and still move forward and continue to heal. Go for the crush! It's new, exciting and instead of opening old wounds, you get to discover someone new and they get to discover who you are now, instead of who you were.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

To be honest, I don't think it'll ever be possible for you to have a truly healthy relationship with her, platonic or romantic.

Familiarity and comfort can be deceiving and can hide a lot of toxicity and stifle happiness.

I'd advise you to stay strong and hold to the course you're on lest she topple all the progress you've made.

Yeah, my brain is a mess right now tbh, many emotions clouding clear thought. I'm trying to stay strong and keep my eyes ahead. I don't know if she'd ever cheat again and I don't want to feel that ever again.

Oh, you :)

Bask in your power. You increased your bargaining power. Because you have a possible alternative to her now. You can walk away from any deal with her & pursue that alternative option. She has to be better than that

As your crush materializes further, your bargaining power over your ex increases

(The fancy term for that concept is BATNA, as explained in this slim negotiation 101 book that'll help you in virtually any deal in life)

You've also worked on yourself. That raises your value to her. And presumably you're her best alternative to a guy who's cheating on her & gonna leave her ass

It's like you're both employers. The one she's at... gonna fire her ass eventually. She wants to prepare you as her soft landing

I advise you to do nothing different. What she does rn has no bearing on your optimal strategy — she's flaky, disloyal & confused. Hopefully, her response's only effect is to give you a confidence boost. Wise to still investigate that crush of yours, and all other opportunities

Yeah, it feels like the balls in my court now, as I have an alternative and she doesn't. It's hard for her to be better than this person. I don't know if she likes me. I plan on trying to find out, as she was someone I knew in high school and had a crush on, but never pursued because my friend also had a crush but never got the balls to ask her out.

Although I think she'll be the one to leave her current boyfriend, I don't think he'll leave her. He called her at 3AM crying after watching a gore video ffs. (Not saying those videos aren't bad but why watch one at 3AM!?!?).

He and her are simply incompatible and I think she's figuring that out now, and thinking about cutting free of it, expecting me to accept her easily. A month or two ago, I would've probably done so, but now I have realized I have other options and those other options have done me no wrong.

And thank you for giving me a good word for her: Flaky. That describes her perfectly.

Anyways, I plan on trying to talk to this crush more, which is only possible at her place of work, and trying to see if it's possible that she still likes me (as I think she did in high school) or at least to catch up over some food or something.

Humans are complicated. And cheating is awful, but multi-faceted - it often underlies communication issues, unhappiness, and interpersonal stresses (job/school). That being said, your ex is 100% responsible for their actions. I don't know the backstory here.

But basically, any relationship problem, including cheating can be addressed and solved and worked through. It takes genuine commitment and work - everyone has to be actively working on their communication always.

If this is something you don't think your ex is ready for, if you don't want to, or if you're just uncertain, I think it's time to let go and move on. Your ex can be a chapter in your life representing growth, healing and change. You can cherish all the good and bad and still move forward and continue to heal. Go for the crush! It's new, exciting and instead of opening old wounds, you get to discover someone new and they get to discover who you are now, instead of who you were.

For a little backstory (it's a bit outdated) but here: Click here for backstory.

My heads in too many places to think this through clearly, and we've talked about working through it but she's flaky, as I stated before. She'd have to leave her current boyfriend and even then, although possible, I don't know how likely she is to actually work through it and never do it again.

Currently, the crush seems like a better option for sure, but I'm still so unsure in general. I guess that's how life is sometimes though. I really appreciate the advice. I've been trying to look at things through a different lens but I can't figure out why she cheated no matter what way I look at it. If you decide to read that post I linked here, it might clarify things and maybe you might even see a reason that I'm missing.

 

[TorturedSoul999]

I have a crush again, 8 months after a break up. Honestly, it's a strange feeling that I'm unfamiliar with as the last person I had a crush on was my ex, and we got together in October of 2021, broke up in December of 2022. (Fun fact: December is the most common month for breakups, so much for the "most wonderful time of the year"). So it's strange having feelings for someone else, and I have no clue how to proceed.

It's weird reading through my old posts here, and seeing the mental and emotional state I was in soon after the breakup. It's crazy to read my own healing process as it goes. I'm glad you all have been here to support me (even though I've faced some negativity, like someone essentially blaming me for ex's cheating), and help me through this. It was my first breakup and I really saw a future with this girl.

I may pursue this girl if I really want to, I still have a little bit of healing to do first, and I want to get a job first so I can get some money

This, to me at least, seems like a key part of healing and my recovery process.

I'm glad that you're doing better. My relationship was significantly longer than yours and I'm quite older so I'm not sure if I'll be able to recover the same.

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

I guess I just wanted to unpack that here with this update. I might make a separate post detailing further but that's about all I wanted to say currently. Any advice?

It might sound rude, but after one girl you don't have much experience. You don't know what a healthy relationship is, because you don't have much to compare it with. Your story reminds me of my first relationship, where my ex didn't show true love too. I thought it was normal... You're clearly her backup option. So my advice, definitely pursue the crush. It's a clean sheet which can grow into something beautiful. See what this crush has to offer.

and I want to get a job first so I can get some money

Don't overthink, be confident and go on a date. Women like men who know what they want, not the ones who are hesitant.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm glad that you're doing better. My relationship was significantly longer than yours and I'm quite older so I'm not sure if I'll be able to recover the same.

Yeah I guess I do have age on my side. I'm also glad we weren't together for longer so not much time was wasted due to her cheating.

It might sound rude, but after one girl you don't have much experience. You don't know what a healthy relationship is, because you don't have much to compare it with. Your story reminds me of my first relationship, where my ex didn't show true love too. I thought it was normal... You're clearly her backup option. So my advice, definitely pursue the crush. It's a clean sheet which can grow into something beautiful. See what this crush has to offer.

Don't overthink, be confident and go on a date. Women like men who know what they want, not the ones who are hesitant.

No offense taken, you're right. I don't have much experience at all, and no basis for what a healthy relationship is.

Also, that's one of my fears, that I'm her second option and it seems to show here. I may not be the best but I deserve better than being a second option, a backup. I think the clean sheet of this crush is a definite pro of this.

That last sentence is hard though, I'm not very confident, I am anxious and overthink a lot, and now I have trust issues thanks to my ex.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah I guess I do have age on my side. I'm also glad we weren't together for longer so not much time was wasted due to her cheating.

No offense taken, you're right. I don't have much experience at all, and no basis for what a healthy relationship is.

Also, that's one of my fears, that I'm her second option and it seems to show here. I may not be the best but I deserve better than being a second option, a backup. I think the clean sheet of this crush is a definite pro of this.

That last sentence is hard though, I'm not very confident, I am anxious and overthink a lot, and now I have trust issues thanks to my ex.

Pursue the other girl. Or at least stop holding out hope for your ex. You are a cat and the kind of ideal life you envision with your ex is like the dot on a wall from one of those laser pointer things. No matter how much you chase that damn dot you won't catch it.

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

That last sentence is hard though, I'm not very confident, I am anxious and overthink a lot

Yes, I know it's not easy. I'm having similar issues, but sugarcoating it doesn't help. I don't know your history. but try to work on yourself and meanwhile try to go for the crush. Assume that she already likes you and go for it. Even if it doesn't work out, you still gain more experience from it.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Yes, I know it's not easy. I'm having similar issues, but sugarcoating it doesn't help. I don't know your history. but try to work on yourself and meanwhile try to go for the crush. Assume that she already likes you and go for it. Even if it doesn't work out, you still gain more experience from it.

That's what I'm planning. I want to focus on getting a job first and foremost. It's a complicated situation but to explain shortly, I applied to be a substitute teacher, but I must complete some sort of training beforehand. I thought it would be around august when schools started, but for some reason it's in September.

This will also give me time to clear my head and gain some confidence going forward.

Pursue the other girl. Or at least stop holding out hope for your ex. You are a cat and the kind of ideal life you envision with your ex is like the dot on a wall from one of those laser pointer things. No matter how much you chase that damn dot you won't catch it.

Yeah I agree tbh. I try to envision some sort of happy future but it's not really that realistic. I feel oddly comforted now that I don't have her as my only option and I have a crush. Like I said previously, it feels like the balls in my court. I recently told my ex I'm taking some time to myself and I won't message her often, and I haven't messaged since unless it's to reply to a message, but I don't plan on starting conversations for a bit.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah I agree tbh. I try to envision some sort of happy future but it's not really that realistic. I feel oddly comforted now that I don't have her as my only option and I have a crush. Like I said previously, it feels like the balls in my court. I recently told my ex I'm taking some time to myself and I won't message her often, and I haven't messaged since unless it's to reply to a message, but I don't plan on starting conversations for a bit.

Even before you developed this crush you never had her as your only option.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Even before you developed this crush you never had her as your only option.

This is true, but in my perception, it was. I perceived it that way initially.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

This is true, but in my perception, it was. I perceived it that way initially.

I'm glad that changed.

 

[olearius]

Yeah, my brain is a mess right now tbh, many emotions clouding clear thought. I'm trying to stay strong and keep my eyes ahead. I don't know if she'd ever cheat again and I don't want to feel that ever again.

Yeah, it feels like the balls in my court now, as I have an alternative and she doesn't. It's hard for her to be better than this person. I don't know if she likes me. I plan on trying to find out, as she was someone I knew in high school and had a crush on, but never pursued because my friend also had a crush but never got the balls to ask her out.

Although I think she'll be the one to leave her current boyfriend, I don't think he'll leave her. He called her at 3AM crying after watching a gore video ffs. (Not saying those videos aren't bad but why watch one at 3AM!?!?).

He and her are simply incompatible and I think she's figuring that out now, and thinking about cutting free of it, expecting me to accept her easily. A month or two ago, I would've probably done so, but now I have realized I have other options and those other options have done me no wrong.

And thank you for giving me a good word for her: Flaky. That describes her perfectly.

Anyways, I plan on trying to talk to this crush more, which is only possible at her place of work, and trying to see if it's possible that she still likes me (as I think she did in high school) or at least to catch up over some food or something.

For a little backstory (it's a bit outdated) but here: Click here for backstory.

My heads in too many places to think this through clearly, and we've talked about working through it but she's flaky, as I stated before. She'd have to leave her current boyfriend and even then, although possible, I don't know how likely she is to actually work through it and never do it again.

Currently, the crush seems like a better option for sure, but I'm still so unsure in general. I guess that's how life is sometimes though. I really appreciate the advice. I've been trying to look at things through a different lens but I can't figure out why she cheated no matter what way I look at it. If you decide to read that post I linked here, it might clarify things and maybe you might even see a reason that I'm missing.

I went and read the backstory and all the further replies.

I don't wanna say you're young and you don't know because that's condescending. It sounds like, your relationship with your ex was good on your side of things, and I'm the kind of person who trusts a person's lives experience. I'm *also* someone who likes to meet someone where they are.

And I'm sorry your ex hurt you so badly that you now have trust issues. My best advice - find various hobbies to try (art - painting, sewing, costuming, drawing, 3D modeling, etc, music - play an instrument or more than one, hike, learn to rock climb or a sport if you don't already, get involved in natural sciences ((seriously women love this one lol)) ie. rocks, fossil hunting/collecting, growing plants, etc) and even if you don't super love it stick with it for awhile. And do more than one! More than one in each domain.

This will develop your confidence and introduce you to tons of different kinds of people. People you share interests with will be the best friends of your life. And you might find another crush.

Don't make your job your personality. I can't speak for all women. If the only interesting thing about you is what you do for money, chances are we aren't going to have great conversations (granted you and I share a unique experience of being on SS - this inextricably links us in a way, unlike if we met in passing). This advice isn't to suggest you *must* be interesting for women or to be liked, rather those things naturally come from having a wide variety of hobbies and skills.

Finally, you don't have to be in a relationship, now or ever. You do need to be okay with being alone. A partner should add to your life, but you shouldn't *need* them for your basic needs (physical, mental and emotional). They should enhance all these aspects of your life, just as you should for them.

You seem like a really thoughtful person and you seem very bright. I hope you are able to move forward and give your crush a try.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I went and read the backstory and all the further replies.

I don't wanna say you're young and you don't know because that's condescending. It sounds like, your relationship with your ex was good on your side of things, and I'm the kind of person who trusts a person's lives experience. I'm *also* someone who likes to meet someone where they are.

And I'm sorry your ex hurt you so badly that you now have trust issues. My best advice - find various hobbies to try (art - painting, sewing, costuming, drawing, 3D modeling, etc, music - play an instrument or more than one, hike, learn to rock climb or a sport if you don't already, get involved in natural sciences ((seriously women love this one lol)) ie. rocks, fossil hunting/collecting, growing plants, etc) and even if you don't super love it stick with it for awhile. And do more than one! More than one in each domain.

This will develop your confidence and introduce you to tons of different kinds of people. People you share interests with will be the best friends of your life. And you might find another crush.

Don't make your job your personality. I can't speak for all women. If the only interesting thing about you is what you do for money, chances are we aren't going to have great conversations (granted you and I share a unique experience of being on SS - this inextricably links us in a way, unlike if we met in passing). This advice isn't to suggest you *must* be interesting for women or to be liked, rather those things naturally come from having a wide variety of hobbies and skills.

Finally, you don't have to be in a relationship, now or ever. You do need to be okay with being alone. A partner should add to your life, but you shouldn't *need* them for your basic needs (physical, mental and emotional). They should enhance all these aspects of your life, just as you should for them.

You seem like a really thoughtful person and you seem very bright. I hope you are able to move forward and give your crush a try.

Wow, you don't even know how much I appreciate this reply. And the fact that you read the backstory. Anyways, now to reply.

I am young, it isn't very condescending in my opinion because it's true. I'm 19, nearing 20. The relationship with my ex was decent, towards the end it was awful but she was probably considering leaving me or cheating at the time.

I actually want to pursue hobbies soon. I have a job training on the 7th of September and should have a decent part time job after that (substitute teaching) while also attending college. I'm doing 17 credit hours so I just hope my free time isn't too limited.

As far as hobbies, I've considered fitness (like going to the gym), hiking, maybe learning how to work on a car some more. I'm already learning the piano slowly but surely (probably won't do much on that until I'm more into adulthood and not living with my mom and get a better keyboard). Natural sciences sound interesting, especially growing plants as my aunt is into that and can probably teach me a thing or two. Ultimately my mind is everywhere and that's too many hobbies to keep up with but life is also about experimentation and I'll cycle through hobbies throughout adulthood anyways.

I have another crush currently. I am just trying to develop courage to talk to her and conversate better.

Also my job in the future if I get what I want after college, isn't exactly a woman magnet: Software Engineer. I'm not super into work anyways, I only see work as a way to get money and live; rather, I'll seek fulfillment outside of a job in the aforementioned hobbies.

And I know I don't have to be in a relationship but I would really like to tbh. Being single feels like a huge drag sometimes and I miss the feeling of companionship and now, having a crush is exciting. I don't need one; but I'd really like one.

Thanks for the thought out reply and compliments at the end. I hope everything works out for me and this crush and I can try each other out, see how the relationship goes if she says yes.

Note: if she says yes, I will certainly update here, I just gotta grow the balls and talk to her first lol. We've talked previously but still, I get anxious.

 

[olearius]

Wow, you don't even know how much I appreciate this reply. And the fact that you read the backstory. Anyways, now to reply.

I am young, it isn't very condescending in my opinion because it's true. I'm 19, nearing 20. The relationship with my ex was decent, towards the end it was awful but she was probably considering leaving me or cheating at the time.

I actually want to pursue hobbies soon. I have a job training on the 7th of September and should have a decent part time job after that (substitute teaching) while also attending college. I'm doing 17 credit hours so I just hope my free time isn't too limited.

As far as hobbies, I've considered fitness (like going to the gym), hiking, maybe learning how to work on a car some more. I'm already learning the piano slowly but surely (probably won't do much on that until I'm more into adulthood and not living with my mom and get a better keyboard). Natural sciences sound interesting, especially growing plants as my aunt is into that and can probably teach me a thing or two. Ultimately my mind is everywhere and that's too many hobbies to keep up with but life is also about experimentation and I'll cycle through hobbies throughout adulthood anyways.

I have another crush currently. I am just trying to develop courage to talk to her and conversate better.

Also my job in the future if I get what I want after college, isn't exactly a woman magnet: Software Engineer. I'm not super into work anyways, I only see work as a way to get money and live; rather, I'll seek fulfillment outside of a job in the aforementioned hobbies.

And I know I don't have to be in a relationship but I would really like to tbh. Being single feels like a huge drag sometimes and I miss the feeling of companionship and now, having a crush is exciting. I don't need one; but I'd really like one.

Thanks for the thought out reply and compliments at the end. I hope everything works out for me and this crush and I can try each other out, see how the relationship goes if she says yes.

Note: if she says yes, I will certainly update here, I just gotta grow the balls and talk to her first lol. We've talked previously but still, I get anxious.

Wow 17 credit hours is a lot! Good for you. It sounds like you have some wonderful opportunities ahead of you. You should feel really proud of yourself for knowing what you wanna do and having a solid plan to follow through.

College and work will also help you develop skills and confidence and even lead you to some hobbies, all of which will help in the relationship domain.

Yes I understand not being in a relationship is tough. And I'm married, and have been for almost 12yrs now, so it's easy for me to sit here and talk about being comfortable with being alone. I certainly didn't mean to dismiss the challenges of being single. I just wanted you to hear from someone that security in yourself and your identity is so important. I think you're gonna be alright long term. You really do seem considerate and measured in what you're doing.

 

[SexyIncél]

It might sound rude, but after one girl you don't have much experience. You don't know what a healthy relationship is, because you don't have much to compare it with. Your story reminds me of my first relationship, where my ex didn't show true love too. I thought it was normal... You're clearly her backup option. So my advice, definitely pursue the crush. It's a clean sheet which can grow into something beautiful. See what this crush has to offer.

Don't overthink, be confident and go on a date. Women like men who know what they want, not the ones who are hesitant.

Yeah, it's interesting that word "healthy"! I used to consider it so boring, like like eating plain salads. But once you experience a healthy relationship, you realize it just means a social environment that heals mental pains & stresses. Like anxiety, overthinking, mistrust...

It may not last. Put an emphasis on healing fast. In a way that reduces your strain on the other person

And I agree: girls want a guy who knows what he wants. It's obvious once you think about it. Because people desire that shock of recognition. A guy who thinks "Ok, this girl is worth my attention/energy/time/money. The more she's ready, the more I'll prioritize her"

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

Yeah, it's interesting that word "healthy"! I used to consider it so boring, like like eating plain salads. But once you experience a healthy relationship, you realize it just means a social environment that heals mental pains & stresses. Like anxiety, overthinking, mistrust...

It may not last. Put an emphasis on healing fast. In a way that reduces your strain on the other person

And I agree: girls want a guy who knows what he wants. It's obvious once you think about it. Because people desire that shock of recognition. A guy who thinks "Ok, this girl is worth my attention/energy/time/money. The more she's ready, the more I'll prioritize her"

That's not what I meant at all.

 

[SexyIncél]

That's not what I meant at all.

Then oops

 

[iwanttoleave2000]

No idea how people get a single girl to want to be with them. Let alone multiple.

 

[SexyIncél]

No idea how people get a single girl to want to be with them. Let alone multiple.

Useful sources I've discovered:

• Orion Taraban
• Alexander Grace (highly insightful, though his explanations of underlying social/psychological mechanisms leans too much on evo-psych)
• HealthyGamerGG

The first two guys learned to hack women's minds, as former pickup artists. Then moved to more enduring relationships with higher-virtue gals

They lack the usual poor & meanspirited advice that lonely men usually get nowadays

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Wow 17 credit hours is a lot! Good for you. It sounds like you have some wonderful opportunities ahead of you. You should feel really proud of yourself for knowing what you wanna do and having a solid plan to follow through.

College and work will also help you develop skills and confidence and even lead you to some hobbies, all of which will help in the relationship domain.

Yes I understand not being in a relationship is tough. And I'm married, and have been for almost 12yrs now, so it's easy for me to sit here and talk about being comfortable with being alone. I certainly didn't mean to dismiss the challenges of being single. I just wanted you to hear from someone that security in yourself and your identity is so important. I think you're gonna be alright long term. You really do seem considerate and measured in what you're doing.

Thanks, I know 17 credit hours might be hard but I feel prepared! I want to take control of my life, take it by the horns. I don't want to feel like I don't have control and college has assisted with that, as it will open doors in the future.

I'm actually hoping I will gain some confidence, as it certainly wouldn't hurt in the relationship sector, as you stated.

As much as I don't enjoy being single, it does have its upsides. I'm not spending a good chunk of money on dates, gifts, etc. I did that with my ex. Hell, on Valentines Day, I spent a whole paycheck on her (the paycheck wasn't huge but it was one whole one on just gifts).

No idea how people get a single girl to want to be with them. Let alone multiple.

Honestly I couldn't tell you. I was just myself and apparently my ex knew multiple people who liked me at some point or another. I don't know if you're a guy, but I am and I agree with the statement that guys are clueless when someone likes them, and maybe some have liked you at some point.

Ultimately, anything I tell you would be anecdotal and YMMV, but just try to be yourself, I suppose.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really hope this new crush develops. Sorry to sound cruel but- your ex knew you still cared for them all this time. They could have come back if they wanted to. I think they liked the idea of having that option- which is why they got all upset when they realised they may no longer have it. I'd say you're worth more than that though. I think when we care for people and put them up on a pedestal, we're grateful for any scraps they give us but really- you deserve more than scraps. More than being a standby. So sorry if that sounds harsh. I just don't think it's fair when people muck about with other people's feelings though and keep them dangling on a string. Maybe I've just got entirely the wrong impression here- in which case- I apologise for insulting your ex. Still- I think people who give their all deserve other people that reciprocate that. I really hope this goes well for you.

 

[MeltingBrain]

I have a crush again, 8 months after a break up. Honestly, it's a strange feeling that I'm unfamiliar with as the last person I had a crush on was my ex, and we got together in October of 2021, broke up in December of 2022. (Fun fact: December is the most common month for breakups, so much for the "most wonderful time of the year"). So it's strange having feelings for someone else, and I have no clue how to proceed.

It's weird reading through my old posts here, and seeing the mental and emotional state I was in soon after the breakup. It's crazy to read my own healing process as it goes. I'm glad you all have been here to support me (even though I've faced some negativity, like someone essentially blaming me for ex's cheating), and help me through this. It was my first breakup and I really saw a future with this girl.

I may pursue this girl if I really want to, I still have a little bit of healing to do first, and I want to get a job first so I can get some money

This, to me at least, seems like a key part of healing and my recovery process.

Good luck ! No pressure to woo her though, take your time .

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I really hope this new crush develops. Sorry to sound cruel but- your ex knew you still cared for them all this time. They could have come back if they wanted to. I think they liked the idea of having that option- which is why they got all upset when they realised they may no longer have it. I'd say you're worth more than that though. I think when we care for people and put them up on a pedestal, we're grateful for any scraps they give us but really- you deserve more than scraps. More than being a standby. So sorry if that sounds harsh. I just don't think it's fair when people muck about with other people's feelings though and keep them dangling on a string. Maybe I've just got entirely the wrong impression here- in which case- I apologise for insulting your ex. Still- I think people who give their all deserve other people that reciprocate that. I really hope this goes well for you.

Nah I think I'm just deluded by my feelings for her which still linger, so I don't take offense to what you said at all. At the very least, I'm going to college in person soon, and if this crush doesn't develop, I could very well meet someone there as well.

Good luck ! No pressure to woo her though, take your time .

Thanks! I definitely am not putting pressure on myself. The fall semester of college starting today has put enough of that on me already.