burninghill
Experienced
- Dec 2, 2025
- 230
Since I have decided to attempt suicide again, I wanted to make another one of these posts. I will not write notes, so I plan to give my parents access to my SaSu account as I have posted here very frequently and therefore I think that its a valuable archive of my suicidal thoughts.
There is no TL;DR, if this post is too long, just don't read it.
I plan to attempt suicide on either the 12th of June. 8pm has been the time I have used for my 'practice' and all previous attempts, but in the summer that is not dark enough, so I will be attempting suicide at 11pm. I plan to decapitate myself under a train. Yes, I have considered the ethics and probability of being caught as it relates to this method.
I have lost all of my friends in the past year. I went through a very rough time last year when I tried to commit suicide for the first (and second) time. I spent all of my free time posting my self-harm on the internet and being snappy towards my friends. I was cruel and ghosted them all because I was sure that I would die, I was sure I'd never be 20. They did not accept me back when I apologised, which I understand.
I stopped cutting myself after that, but I fell back into it recently (more out of habit than anything). I have to be very mindful of photos and who takes them and where they go. I live with my parents and the last time they caught me cutting myself I was 15, so I cannot be seen with new scars or wounds.
I thought cutting myself would help me get some kind of help, I was 'doing it for attention' if you will. I'd hang out with my friends with arms cut elbow to wrist all the way around like a cuff. During this time, one person, in passing, said 'oh- are you good? Are you sure?' I said yes and dismissed it. It was in public and infront of everybody so I didn't exactly feel safe, but even in private I think I'd have said the same thing. Its ironic to beg for help and then not accept it.
My boyfriend noticed recently but does not make a big deal of it, he says that as long as our relationship is stable, then it's okay. This response makes me angry, because things really aren't okay. Our relationship isn't really okay, either. I feel disconnected from him in the same way I do everyone else and I hate that sometimes talking to him feels like a chore, I don't want to be intimate with him either, which I think is a bit annyoing on his end. I know these things are just happening because I'm depressed, but that doesn't make me feel better.
I feel bad that I'll add to the losses he's had in his life, he seems to feel very deeply about me and he's lost a lot of immediate family. I'll only be adding to his grief but, honestly, I am okay with that. I'm not sure why he cares so much about me, we haven't known eachother for that long, but he really does deserve the best. I wish I could be better for him.
Similarly to my mum, I know it will destroy her when I die. She tells me that I saved her and she has been through monumental amounts of trauma in her life that I'll only worsen. She has also expressed signs of suicidal ideation, so I'm not sure how my death will play out in regards to her mental heath. Again, I'm okay with this. I love her so incredibly, but I can't live just to keep other people happy, it isn't honest.
I have spent the last year in bed, barely surviving uni and falling out of love with art. I drink almost daily as a substitute for DPH and can barely hold my own head up most days. I don't shower unless my hair is so gross that dry shampoo doesn't help (in this case, I usually stand clothed outside of the shower and put my head under the water), or I'm seeing my boyfriend. I only keep up on brushing my teeth because I am very insecure about them.
I think I'm destined for suicide, I have had thoughts of killing myself and hurting others since I was 13-14 and I think that means something. I think that I'm supposed to kill myself, maybe fo some greater purpose or plan. I can only hope theres a purpose, anyway.
I don't hate living, I just hate who I am. I am ungrateful, callous and unattractive. I used to believe that I would be reincarnated in some way, like evrything goes black for a moment before switching back on again. When I attempted last, I was very scared that there would be nothing after death (a fear I'd never had before) and that caused me to stand. I'm not sure if it was by subconcious knowing something I don't, or my brain doing anything it could to get me up. Either way, I have taken some time to consider this possibility and have come to accept it.
I don't want to live a life that revolves around my own self-destruction. I think the longer I live, the worse that I will get. I don't think I will get to 30 without acting on an intrusive thought that will hurt somebody else. These thoughts have gotten worse since I became suicidal, but I will be okay.
Ontop of all of this, I have been suffering with some kind of depersonalisation? Everyone just looks like fucking meat. Every time I look at myself I just see a sack full of organs and fluid. When I see people, all I can do is imagine them split open. It's so disgusting. It has been making life unbearable.
I haven't had any doubts recently, but sometimes I do wish that somebody would empower me. Tell me that this is the right choice, that I can do it, but at the end of the day I know it's down to me.
Ontop of my account, I am leaving a USB stick which documented my last attempt and has video diary entries submitted here and there. I may make another post like this closer to my date.
There is no TL;DR, if this post is too long, just don't read it.
I plan to attempt suicide on either the 12th of June. 8pm has been the time I have used for my 'practice' and all previous attempts, but in the summer that is not dark enough, so I will be attempting suicide at 11pm. I plan to decapitate myself under a train. Yes, I have considered the ethics and probability of being caught as it relates to this method.
I have lost all of my friends in the past year. I went through a very rough time last year when I tried to commit suicide for the first (and second) time. I spent all of my free time posting my self-harm on the internet and being snappy towards my friends. I was cruel and ghosted them all because I was sure that I would die, I was sure I'd never be 20. They did not accept me back when I apologised, which I understand.
I stopped cutting myself after that, but I fell back into it recently (more out of habit than anything). I have to be very mindful of photos and who takes them and where they go. I live with my parents and the last time they caught me cutting myself I was 15, so I cannot be seen with new scars or wounds.
I thought cutting myself would help me get some kind of help, I was 'doing it for attention' if you will. I'd hang out with my friends with arms cut elbow to wrist all the way around like a cuff. During this time, one person, in passing, said 'oh- are you good? Are you sure?' I said yes and dismissed it. It was in public and infront of everybody so I didn't exactly feel safe, but even in private I think I'd have said the same thing. Its ironic to beg for help and then not accept it.
My boyfriend noticed recently but does not make a big deal of it, he says that as long as our relationship is stable, then it's okay. This response makes me angry, because things really aren't okay. Our relationship isn't really okay, either. I feel disconnected from him in the same way I do everyone else and I hate that sometimes talking to him feels like a chore, I don't want to be intimate with him either, which I think is a bit annyoing on his end. I know these things are just happening because I'm depressed, but that doesn't make me feel better.
I feel bad that I'll add to the losses he's had in his life, he seems to feel very deeply about me and he's lost a lot of immediate family. I'll only be adding to his grief but, honestly, I am okay with that. I'm not sure why he cares so much about me, we haven't known eachother for that long, but he really does deserve the best. I wish I could be better for him.
Similarly to my mum, I know it will destroy her when I die. She tells me that I saved her and she has been through monumental amounts of trauma in her life that I'll only worsen. She has also expressed signs of suicidal ideation, so I'm not sure how my death will play out in regards to her mental heath. Again, I'm okay with this. I love her so incredibly, but I can't live just to keep other people happy, it isn't honest.
I have spent the last year in bed, barely surviving uni and falling out of love with art. I drink almost daily as a substitute for DPH and can barely hold my own head up most days. I don't shower unless my hair is so gross that dry shampoo doesn't help (in this case, I usually stand clothed outside of the shower and put my head under the water), or I'm seeing my boyfriend. I only keep up on brushing my teeth because I am very insecure about them.
I think I'm destined for suicide, I have had thoughts of killing myself and hurting others since I was 13-14 and I think that means something. I think that I'm supposed to kill myself, maybe fo some greater purpose or plan. I can only hope theres a purpose, anyway.
I don't hate living, I just hate who I am. I am ungrateful, callous and unattractive. I used to believe that I would be reincarnated in some way, like evrything goes black for a moment before switching back on again. When I attempted last, I was very scared that there would be nothing after death (a fear I'd never had before) and that caused me to stand. I'm not sure if it was by subconcious knowing something I don't, or my brain doing anything it could to get me up. Either way, I have taken some time to consider this possibility and have come to accept it.
I don't want to live a life that revolves around my own self-destruction. I think the longer I live, the worse that I will get. I don't think I will get to 30 without acting on an intrusive thought that will hurt somebody else. These thoughts have gotten worse since I became suicidal, but I will be okay.
Ontop of all of this, I have been suffering with some kind of depersonalisation? Everyone just looks like fucking meat. Every time I look at myself I just see a sack full of organs and fluid. When I see people, all I can do is imagine them split open. It's so disgusting. It has been making life unbearable.
I haven't had any doubts recently, but sometimes I do wish that somebody would empower me. Tell me that this is the right choice, that I can do it, but at the end of the day I know it's down to me.
Ontop of my account, I am leaving a USB stick which documented my last attempt and has video diary entries submitted here and there. I may make another post like this closer to my date.
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